You wake up tomorrow to any amazing and true headline you want, what is it?

Oredigger77 wins Powerball in $85mm drawing as sole winner.

This Time it IS Aliens: Proof of Life Detected Outside Our Solar System

President Trump Declares War On The Bering Sea.

And your share of the 7+billion doses of the vaccine are in a drug store near you, free of charge and everyone should be inoculated by the end of September, 2020. :wink:

“Proven Cure for Covid! 1500mg Vitamin C+100mg Zinc!”
“Major/Minor Conflicts Cease - All Factions Vow to Resolve Issues by Rock-Paper-Scissors”
“Previously Unrecyclable Plastic Easily Converted into Cheap Clean Fuel Source”
(I’m also ok with an “amarinth Wins Powerball” headline.)

Russian pee pee tapes found and broadcast.

Well, if the only rule is that the genie won’t allow us to wish for harm/death of Trump, I think I’d like tomorrow’s headline to be “Prince William and Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton welcomed a son, Prince George, earlier today”

“Straight Dope Message Board users come to tentative agreement to look into the fact that human slavery in European African Colonies might have in fact been bad”

In a staggering miracle, the fires ravaging the American West are all out and everything that was destroyed has come back – trees, buildings, wildlife, people, livestock. The whole episode turned out to be a very bad dream.

“Cape Town man mysteriously acquires every power Superman has ever exhibited in comics or film, at the greatest strength depicted. Promises to be a benevolent God-King. Magic and Kryptonite still fictional.”

Ziva and DiNozzo have rejoined NCIS.

Comey admits taking $50 million to re-open 2016 Hillary investigation
“Trump fired me when I demanded he pay up,” says former FBI head.

Man granted unlimited wishes, Genie claims he was tricked.

Cafe society edition:

Amy Winehouse announces 2021 tour schedule.

Same story, different newspapers.

^^ That is probably my favorite general benefit-of-all-mankind headline.

For purely selfish reasons I want:
USCIS Announces Dependents of Visa Beneficiaries will not Age Out Due to COVID-19 Processing Delays

Translating for those not in the know:
If you apply for a visa for your fiance/spouse, their unmarried dependents under the age of 21 get a visa as well so long as that visa is approved prior to the child turning 21. With processing delays it is looking like Iggyette may age out, missing the deadline by a couple weeks at present pace of processing. This could delay her visa by YEARS.

“New vaccine found that cures all viral ailments, cancer and congenital stupidity. New antibiotic found that cures everything, including male pattern baldness, haemorrhoids and congenital stupidity. . Both readily available and dirt cheap.”

“New beer found.that really does make you better looking and more intelligent.”