Young friend who cannot talk about anything but herself

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I’ve got a friend who is considerably younger than I am - in her mid-twenties. She’s a nice enough girl, bubbly, and fun to be with, and her heart’s mostly in the right place, but I often find myself rolling my eyes really hard at her.

She seems to be completely incapable of talking about anything except herself. It’s hard to describe, because of course everyone always offers their own opinion on stuff, but - she’ll give her opinion, but never ask questions about other people’s opinions or facts, or even anything that’s going on with other people. Her only contributions are “this is what I think” or “This is how this in some way relates to a fact about my life” (ie if two of us are discussing something that happened on the third, instead of discussing the thing that happened she’d pipe in with “Oh! The third! That’s my cousin’s wife’s birthday!” Okay, hun, fun fact but not really relevant to the conversation.)

She also hella overshares. If you ask her how the online dating is going, she’ll go into detail about the latest fella, where they went, what they did, how well they got on, and read you the fascinating text exchange they had after the date. Or, read you the nasty email she got from someone who she turned down, and her reply to it, and his reply to her, and her reply to that reply, and so on.

It’s like she feels like she doesn’t exist unless she’s the focus of attention? I dunno. On one hand, she is an entertaining storyteller - but on the other, she really needs to learn how to have a dialogue that isn’t focused on her.

On the third hand, I also think that part of my reaction to her is exacerbated by the societal expectation that women aren’t supposed to talk about themselves, and that if she were a guy it might not even be noticeable, or if it was I’d just blow it off as how he is. But on the fourth hand, even if that’s the case, it is something that women are judged harsher for in our society, so she should probably be aware that it’s a potential problem?

I kind of want to give her a copy of “How to Win Friends & Influence People,” because that’s still a hella good book on how to have conversations. But I don’t know if she’d read it.

I dunno. Maybe she’ll outgrow it. I can’t say for sure that I didn’t have the same problem when I was younger. But I’d love some advice on how to let her know that this it’s a potential problem - or if I should.

2

Could indicate a basic character flaw (e.g. she’s self-absorbed or narcissistic), or could be a learned conversational style (e.g. she grew up in a large family where everyone had to compete for attention by talking about themselves).

3

Mmm. I know she’s the youngest, and has two or three older sibs, one of whom died when she was quite young, but I don’t think that it was a huge family.

Part of what makes me even think about talking to her about it is that I don’t think she’s even aware that it’s a thing she does, let alone it being a problem. So it might help - or it might quash her spirit - or it might do nothing at all.

4

I work with someone who is like this, and I’ve concluded the same. My hypothesis is that she is so self-absorbed that she can’t see her self-absorption, because that would require being able to see herself as others do. In other words, be less self-absorbed. People with this kind of interpersonal problem are especially susceptible to the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Going out of your to way to point out her penchant for self-absorption will likely not do anything productive. But if she ever comes to you for advice about a problem that possibly stems from this, she might be open to hearing you then.

5

If you find a cure for it let me know :wink: I have coworkers that age who would happily sit and talk about themselves 24-7. Even when they talk to each other it’s not a conversation, it’s taking turns to monologue. (“I can’t believe there was another shooting in Paris. It’s so sad, it’s such a beautiful place.” “My brother and his wife live in Boston. After the marathon was bombed they were stuck in the house for a week!” “I wanted to go to Paris for our honeymoon but Brian doesn’t have a passport so we ended up going to Vegas.” “I don’t know why they published another cartoon of Mohammed. They had to know it would piss the terrorists off again.”)

I don’t know if it’s because <crabby old lady> people that age are used to sharing every little thing about their lives on social media </col> or they’ve grown up enough to have opionions about the world but haven’t quite gotten the hang of conversational give and take yet.

6

Well, in my office there is a man in his 50’s who converses like this, and it drives most of us (young and all) crazy. Not because he doesn’t engage us, but because he drones on about subjects that interest no one. He is totally oblivious to social cues of boredom, and he hasn’t figured out that we aren’t all that intrigued about the habits, opinions, and preferences of his wife and kids.

So I don’t think this is a problem limited to the social media generation.

7

I’ve realized that this is a problem my daughter has. Case in point: I told her a few days ago that my dog is very sick and is going to die soon. She looked at the dog and in a tone of wonder, said, “Huh. I’m sadder than I thought I would be.” <change subject> No condolences offered, but we’re all used to Alex being rude. I honestly don’t think she sees it.

I have often thought of getting her a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”!

8

Please don’t say “hella”, thank you.

Is your friend attractive? Attractive people get away with it more than average or below-average people. If she’s attractive, then it probably works for her and anything you say is not likely to change her behavior. If she isn’t, then its probably going to drive a lot of people away and you should mention it to her and maybe things will improve. But as I’ve found out with people, you can point out all the faults they have, real or imagined, but if they don’t see it as a problem, they won’t change

9

I think people really don’t know how they come across. Everyone thinks they are adequately introspective. But everyone obviously isn’t.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve learned so much in therapy, but I think people can become more self-aware if they are given the right cues. The difficulty, I think, is that it’s hard to tell someone they have a problem if they don’t have a clue whatsoever.

I hate to say this, but sometimes a little shame works. An exasperated sign, obvious eye-rolls, or some other cue can alert her that she’s said something wrong. If she asks about it, that’s when you can say, “It’s hard talking with you sometime. Here’s why…” If you say it with enough grace and tack, maybe she’ll listen and absorb.

Subtle body language isn’t going to do it. You’ve got to be a little “mean” to get the signal to her.

10

Let’s all talk about me!

11

I have a friend like this also.

I don’t think it occurs to her that the minute details of her life are not of interest to me in the same way as they are of interest to her. I did finally point her self-absorption out in a lighthearted (or at least my attempt at lightheartedness) manner. She had prattled on for about an hour, and when she finally took a breath, I interjected with, “And how are you, Aspen? What’s been going on in your life?” It stopped her cold, and we were then able to discuss the one-sided nature of our conversations in a more forthright way. Ever since our frank discussion, she has been great about asking how I am and what’s going on with me. I still let her go on, but she has become much more mindful of monopolizing our conversations. It has allowed the friendship to once again flourish.

Might could hella work for you, too.

12

A lot of this would depend on how invested you are in the relationship.

Is this issue big enough to possibly break your relationship with her? If she is happy with herself what might her reaction be when you try to fix her?

Are you forced to spend time with her? At the very least you can limit your interactions with her or when you’ve had enough you find something else to do in a place that doesn’t include her.

If you want to go further you can get eye-rolley and ask how her comments relate to the conversation at hand. Then escalate to serious sit down talks about what your concerns are with her if you choose.

Is she like this all the time or with other people? Maybe you are one of her few outlets for what is going on in her life.

Again I think the answer may be subjective, a minor acquaintance should have minor work put into a relationship.

13

Whatever you do, don’t make it so the scales tip the other way!

I have a “friend” (well, ex-friend. I’m over her.) who spends a lot of time talking about other people. Well, complaining about other people. Putting down other people. Really saying nasty stuff about other people. And then every story ends with like a “Aren’t they just awful??” stare except usually I find that in the stories she tells, she is the one being awful. And it makes me think that she goes around saying awful things about me and it’s all very uncomfortable.

Oh, and she is also self-centered and has her head up her ass. But she takes it out on other people. Maybe that’s what self-centered people switch to in their 30s?

14

Maybe tactful discreet subtlety isn’t the most effective response here.

Instead, put you hands over your ears, cast your eyes to the ceiling, and say moderately loudly,
“You! You! You! Everything is You You You! All you talk about is You You You! I’m tired of hearing all day about You You You You You You You You!”

15

What was that thing? – “A bore talks mostly in the first person; a gossip, in the third; and a brilliant conversationalist, in the second”.

16

I think there are two kinds of people who fall prey to this:

  1. self-absorbed types. No much you can do with them.
  2. introverted/awkward types. These guys can be corrected. They’re mostly talking about themselves because they aren’t really sure what to talk about and are mostly just hoping to be involved in some way - any way - in the conversation. Conversation is a learned skill, after all, and not all of us find it natural.

Monstro’s suggestion is that you might need to be a little mean. I don’t know if mean is the right word, but I definitely agree that subtle will probably not work with these folks. On the other hand, I think there are non-mean ways to say “Are you aware of how you converse with people? And I’d like to spend a little while talking about this thing that happened to me, thanks.” Type #1 people don’t care about your feelings, but Type #2 people will probably appreciate the advice/feedback.

(And, heck, a person who talks about themselves and overshares will probably be delighted to spend half an hour analyzing why they talk about themselves too much. I don’t know if that will be progress, though.)

17

If she is “bubbly and fun to be with,” and has friends, I doubt there will be any convincing her there is a problem to correct.
Maybe you should adapt your own style when conversing with her instead. You don’t need to wait for an invitation to give your opinion, let alone be peeved that she hasn’t asked. Nor do you have to ask her anything about herself and then be annoyed at her going on at length, since she’s volunteering plenty as it is.
If she asks for a critique of her personality, by all means be honest, but otherwise what is there to gain in trying to make her behave more likeably when people already like her?