A few years ago, my breasts looked worse than cow udders. Cow udders would have been an improvement to my then breasts. Tired of horrible breasts (and ones that hurt my shoulders, neck, back, etc.) I had a breast reduction. What were once sagging, too-big, stretched and pendulous body parts are now actually somewhat nice. I’ve never regretted having a breast reduction (mine were also big, so I don’t know if that’s the situation here), and having it improved my self esteem by about a billion. Over time, they’ve “settled” and aren’t a perky as they once were, but my self esteem is still pretty darn high.
Dragonboy’s a dick, and, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to either contact a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. It sounds to me like he may be somewhat dutiful, but he doesn’t love you. I’m sorry, but, as a husband, I have to say that I worship my wife, she worships me, and we’ve done so through many body changes on both sides, some positive, some negative. That should have no impact on your response to each other, if there’s love. Harsh reality time.
After trying to talk to him last night, I fear that you are right. I beginning to thing that divorce is the only option I have.
I have always known that marriage is not a fairytale, I never expected a knight in shining armor, but I never expected to spend my life in so much emotional pain and depression either.
But I’m scared of being alone. We’ve been married for 12 years and I was only 19 when we got married, so I guess I’ve never really been by myself.
It was a rather long and heated discussion. He told me that he didn’t want to get married in the first place and only asked because he knew that I wanted it. He says he never thought that marriage was this much work, he thought it was just two people living together and doing their own thing. He says that he’s to tired everyday to spend time to make this work. He can’t seem to understand that sex is about both of us, not just making him happy and he will not accept any responsibility for anything he’s done to hurt me.
I guess this is a long time coming, Scarlett is correct some of the shit is even posted here.
I seem to be rambling, I’m very upset right now. Thanks to all of you for the support you’ve given.
Sounds like you’ve already wasted 12 years with this jerk; no need to waste any more is there? You’re 31 (if I did my math right), and just coming into your sexual peak (if Dr. Ruth wasn’t lying); don’t waste your best years on this turd. Quick, somebody move this to the pit…my PG rated curse words are drying up fast.
Dragongirl, I recommend the book “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. When I was getting a divorce, I found it helped me take my jumble of thoughts and put some order to them. I consider my ex to be one of the biggest jerks I’ve ever met, but I don’t think even he would have said something so awful! That was really beyond the pale. And if he’s refusing to take any responsibility for his actions, well… I doubt he’s going to change, because he apparently doesn’t want to.
One thing I can tell you… I was afraid of being alone too. But it didn’t take me long to realize that it was better to be alone forever than to be stuck with a mentally abusive jerk who didn’t respect me. One day after my estranged husband was being a particular a***e (My first day back to work after my mother died, he calls me up and starting screaming at me and demanding half my tax return, after he was going to force me to file separately), I said to myself "By God, I may be alone, but at least I don’t have to put up with his st anymore." Also, I found that I wasn’t alone for that long (even though I did go through a year of dating hell before I found someone worthwhile.)
IANAL, so take this with a grain of the material of your preference, but if he didn’t want to get married then and doesn’t want to work on it now, you have grounds certainly for a divorce but possibly for an annullment.
Being alone for a while may be exactly what you need right now. I know several people that have “taken time off” after a bad relationship and used it to get their head on straight and find themselves again. Maintaining a relationship (even a good one) can be a lot of work, and that’s an extra burden that you don’t need. I hope you can find a way to free yourself and rediscover the beautiful person you are. You may find solitude a relief and a blessing. And an enriching new life experience.
And it may seem like a cliché, but I and many of my friends have found that what seems like a setback may often lead to even better things. You’ll never know what’s on the other side of that door unless you open it. And I think a lot of us here will agree that you have nowhere to go but up.
(You haven’t mentioned your kids and how a breakup might affect them, but let me just say that the six months that my mother kicked my dad out of the house were the most peaceful and pleasant of my childhood. I wish they had lasted longer.)
I’m cheering for you to find the strength to do what’s best for YOU.
You may be doing your children a favor by leaving him, consider that. What kind of a role-model is he right now as he insults you and thinks of your marriage as a duty not a loving relationship. Does he treat the kids like he treats you? Kids heal, I promise you. My parents divorced when I was eight and it was the best thing my mother ever did. My father also physically, verbally, and emotionally abused us so getting away from that was the kindest, most loving thing she could have done.
So that stated, do what is best for you and remember that your kids will heal. I wish you all the good luck in the world and be strong! You shouldn’t waste any more time with him, he will NOT change. He doesn’t seem to care but, dragongirl, we DO…
The thing about deciding not to have some in your life in that way anymore is that it is very painful, but very freeing. And that you will suddenly discover that you are much pickier about who you’ll decide to share big parts of your life with.
Marriage is not a fairy tale…in some ways you sound like me in my first marriage. I knew it wouldn’t be perfect. I knew I’d have to work on it. I knew that men often take a while to grow up and become responsible…so I put up with all sorts of shit. Marriage is not a fairy tale, you do need to work at it, people have imperfections – all true. But if two people are not working at it, if two people aren’t putting up with each others imperfections, it ain’t gonna work.
I am not a big fan of divorce…but but you are doing the right thing He is emotionally abusive. Get a good lawyer and dont’ feel guilty or anything like that. You are scared and that is so understandable. But I know that it is going to feel a lot better to be alone for a while then to be with someone who makes you feel horrible.
You have family and friends and perhaps some dopers in your area to help you through this right?
You are on my prayer list for the time being until I hear everything has worked out!! Take care of yourself.
dragongirl, there’s a lot of folks out here rooting for you. You sound like a thoughtful and intelligent person who is just waking up to the fact that the course you have been pursuing in your life may be going in the wrong direction, and, more importantly, that you have the power to do something about it. Congratulations on that.
Whatever course you do choose, though, whether it be a temporary separation, divorce, or even to stay together with counseling, try to keep in mind that your worst enemy right now is bitterness. Keep in mind the good times you’ve had, the lessons you’ve learned. I’m not saying to forget the negative aspects – learn from them, absorb their lessons, but don’t let them drag you down. Please do not take the attitude that you’ve wasted 12 years of your life. They’ve only been wasted if you’ve failed to improve as a human being. Pursue counseling, especially if you find the emotional strain is getting to you.
A brief separation told my ex-wife and me all that we needed to know about the reality of our marriage – that we were better off not living together. And our separation has been a time of healing for us both. An important aspect of that, though, was a fierce determination on both of our parts to avoid being bitter. In so doing we’ve avoided putting our daughter through the emotional meat grinder of bickering parents. We have not forced our friends to take sides. We have not felt the need to throw out one another’s gifts, to photoshop eachother out of pictures, or to sabotage one another’s prospects for happiness. And 18 months later, we’re both happier than we’ve been in years. Although our daughter lives with me full-time, we all hang out together most every weekend.
Good luck, dragongirl. Stay strong, and stand up for yourself. But if you do decide on a divorce, be as kind as possible without sacrificing your dignity. You’ll be making a difference in your own life, as well as that of your husband, your kids, your family, and your friends. I hope and pray that dragonguy will return the favor by behaving in the same way.
I think it’s pretty much a given that he’s an ass for making a cow reference.
I don’t think insulting him back, while it may feel good, will solve anything.
I agree with the counseling suggestions, and if he refuses to go, you need to get out of that relationship. Imagine your 13 year old daughter coming home with a new haircut and says “hey daddy, how do you like my new haircut?” and he doesn’t think and says “wow, you look like a boy”. That can screw a kid up. Words hurt, as you know, and they can hurt especially from a loved one.
As for ‘putting him in a hard situation’, any answer such as "honey, why don’t you pay attention to my breasts… " “well, I don’t find them as sexy as I used too, but if it means a lot to you I’ll make more of an effort to pay attention to them… I’m sorry” (this is a similar answer I got to a similar question from my boyfriend).
Tell him with no reservations that you were very hurt and that you think it’s indicative of more problems in your marriage.
dragongirl don’t let the fear of being alone influence your decision.
I’ve had to start my life over more than once and I have revelled in the times I have spent on my own. It may seem a frightening thought atm but try to think of all the positive aspects and don’t dwell on the negatives. I also found a renewed happiness and enjoyment with my kids because I was happier and more relaxed.
As you can see we are all right behind you, good luck with whatever you decide.
“I never wanted to get married”?! “I didn’t think marriage meant work”?!
I’m speechless.
I’ll be sending good thoughts and prayers. Especially for wisdom and courage. I think you need to get out of there. Remember, you’ve always got thousands and thousands of friends here who’ll support you. God guard you.
I’m a bit in shock for you. I hope it gives you some comfort–I’ve been reading the postings and see a consensus here.
When I was in high school, I was a quite a bit overweight. Not only did I feel unattractive, I felt invisible. During all of this, I had a friend, a girl who was on the heavy side also. Once I told her I despaired of ever meeting someone and being intimate with them. I felt so ashamed of my body, and so self-conscious. She enabled me to feel good about myself, and my physique. Ironically, it was her belief in me that helped me to become more active, and in turn, start changing physically.
It was because of that experience that I never looked down on people whose bodies were not the same as our advertising media would prefer. I can be attracted to the person, and have/give a great experience sexually because I’m not locked into body image.
You can never be as alone by yourself as you can with someone who is supposed to love you. I found that out with my first marriage. It sounds like you’ve spent 12 years taking care of him. It’s time to take care of yourself.
He told me that he didn’t want to get married in the first place and only asked because he knew that I wanted it.
He says he never thought that marriage was this much work, he thought it was just two people living together and doing their own thing.
He says that he’s to tired everyday to spend time to make this work.
He can’t seem to understand that sex is about both of us, not just making him happy and he will not accept any responsibility for anything he’s done to hurt me.
Any of those (unless the first one is followed by “but I am so glad I did!” or the second one is followed by “but it is so worth it, I love you hon”), is grounds for a good metaphorical asskicking.
All of them together, grounds right there for couples therapy.
All of them together combined with the udders dig and “this has been going on for years” is grounds for packing his bags for him.
I hate to see people settling for shitty relationships when I know myself how good a relationship can be. I know how shitty they can be too since my parents taught me. Do your kids a favour, get a divorce. If they actually hear any of this shit then you might be doing them an even bigger favour and getting rid of bad role model behaviour (in this bit I mean you too).