Co-worker on the viscosity of cement used to coat parts: I’ve never seen it get this thick.
Me: i should have this powerpoint project done in 30 seconds i swear…
Her: Heard that one before
I’m at a bar serving beer in liter and half-liter mugs. One friend is trying to get another to order one more beer:
Friend: Fine, but I’ll only do a small one.
Me: That’s most emphatically not what she said.
I’m at work. My boss is trying to put on some safety gloves:
Boss: Man, these gloves are supposed to be mediums but I think they’re actually larges. Dang it! I’m not used to this much finger.
Me: That’s what she said.
At the gym the other day, my friend was doing rack pulls. His program specified a 4" lift, and since our gym doesn’t have such a rack, he was lifting off of stacked plates.
He went and asked his girlfriend, and then came back shaking his head.
Him: How many inches would you say that is?
Me: That’s what she said!
Him: I just asked my girlfriend, and that’s what SHE said!
I’ve presented my sister with a steak right off the grill, she says…
her >“THAT’s a thick piece of meat!”
me > That’s what she said!
she then pressed her finger onto it…
her > “And HOT too!”
me > and she said THAT, TOO!
(while fiddling with a thumb drive case)
Him: Weird…It’s just as tight both ways…
Her: That’s what she said
(while trying to recall something)
Him: “Oh! It just came to me-”
Her: That’s What She Said
Classic Duality Comedy (emphasize twice)
(At The Counter of a Convenience Store)
Him: “Did you want a bag of jerky?”
Her: “Oh…I heard ‘And’”
Him: “That’s what she said…”
One cashier to another: “If you see someone with big blue balls, just let them through.”
So my in-laws bought my daughter this bag of long balloons with a little straw that you put into the balloon’s opening to blow it up. When it’s full, you let go of it with the straw still inside and the steady release of air causes it to fly around the room comically.
The first time my husband and I tried to do it, he was having trouble inserting the straw into the balloon. After watching him wrestle with it for a minute or so, I said “This seems like a two-person job. Let me spread it open and you can stick it in then.”
Coworker, fiddling with stack of paper and 3-ring binder: “It’s too big! I just can’t get stuff it all in!”
Johnny Bravo: …
There’s on a song in rotation on the CBC, “That’s What She Tells Me,” by Cedar Park. Vocals are country corny, and the title is the refrain. eg; Never thought I would be so afraid (that’s what she tells me) / Only hope has been keeping me up (That’s what she tells me) / I’m afraid she’s already given up ('cause that’s what she tells me)
There’s a bridge that changes up the pattern: “It isn’t very hard / to lower down my guard.” I like to sing “That’s what she tells me” in a camp cowboy voice over the second half of that. I am easily amused.
Two sisters comparing rocking chairs, one comfortable and one not: “You can have that one. It’s way too big for me. This one fits my butt perfectly.”
A friend of mine was staying the weekend with us at a third friend’s house. We were there for the week, but he was just there for the end. Late one night, as we were getting ready to leave the next morning, the homeowner commented on the late hour and our early departure time the next day.
“Oh, don’t worry,” said my friend, “I’m not packing much.”
Line and scene.
This isn’t quite on topic but it’s close enough i found this:
10 He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
9 She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.
8 He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
7 He said… “Two inches more, and I would be king.”
She said…“Two inches less, and you’d be queen.”
6 On wall in ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere.”
Written just below it: “I do not.”
5 He said… “Shall we try a different position tonight?”
She said…"That’s a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4 Priest… “I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.”
She said…“Who’s gonna look?”
3 He said… “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said… “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”
2 He said… “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.”
She said…“Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”
… and the number one “He Said…She said”…
1 He said… “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She said… “I would, but you’re never there.”
Some Funny Examples From The Site
Now make sure you use your fingers to hold the juice in.
And you were directly under her the entire time?
You’ve got like four or five jammed in there!
once I finish up with him, I’ll get started on you
I was told it was bigger than this
I Know How Long The String Is
They taste so good in my mouth
It was big, black, and scary
My back door is wide open.
You’re pushing the wrong button!
I’ve never had one of those before.
I need two men on this!
Stop beating that thing!
I can help you if you want.
If it won’t go in, bang it harder.
I paid for this little thing?
My mother is coming
I’ll Add one…
Can you pass me that box?
It’s incredibly likely I’ve told this story before…
I’m at RenFaire, home of innuendo and pansexual flirting. At the time everyone still thought I was innocent and sweet, so I have no idea how this happened.
It’s almost noon, the assistant guild master and I are the only ones in the guild site.
Me: Where’s your wife?
Him: She’s up making lunch.
Me: Yeah, I should go eat myself.
Him: I didn’t realize you were that flexible.
Me: … >smacks him<
On vacation with some friends and the power went out at the house we were renting.
We went the store to buy flashlights. I saw one that had a college logo on it so I picked that one out for me. As my friend is paying for the flashlights the clerk is putting the flashlights in a bag.
Me: “Wait, I want to grab mine.” (so she doesn’t put it in the bag)
Friend: “So do I, but let me pay for these damn flashlights first.”
When we got out to the car we were both laughing like 10 year olds after a fart joke. Our wives thought we were nuts.