I’m even worse with plugging in USB devices; it takes me *three *attempts.
My other curse is that I cannot hang anything (such as a towel, shirt, whatever) on a hook without it tumbling to the floor after I am satisfied it is secure. Often even after I have retreated a step or two.
mmm
I’m cursed to always be behind the self absorbed idiot when in line at the grocery store check-out. You know the person, they have their phone out, doing Og knows what, while the clerks rings up an enormous cart full of goods. Only after all the items have been entered does this walking waste of skin think to bring out a means of paying for them. Chatting away constantly with the clerk, the poor trapped soul on the other end of the phone or maybe just the voices in their head, they make a an impressive show of being as slow and rage inducing as possible. Naturally, after the finish the payment and get the receipt, THEN they remember that they have coupons.
Look for this person. I’ll be next in line - wondering if I the bananas in my cart are hard and green enough to plunge through their heart.
When at a restaurant, I nearly always get either a wobbly table or a wobbly chair. I’m halfway convinced it’s not confirmation bias.
Regarding a 50/50 chance of a good result, you’ve got to remember that there are two sets of odds for each event. The mathematical odds (50/50) and the real world odds. The real word odds vary inversely as the importance of the event increases. For instance, if you bet say $1,000 on the flip of a coin, the mathematical odds say that you have a 50/50 chance of winning. Hah, foolish mortal! You will find that the real world odds are roughly a million to one against you.
I know this from many experiences.
This is probably why Russian Roulette is so dangerous.
Waiters will come to the table to ask “how is everything?” only when my mouth is stuffed full of food and I can only summon a “mmpfok!”
Ramey’s used to be Piggly Wiggly, you say?
You wouldn’t happen to know what’s Piggly Wiggly NOW, would you?
Try betting black/red; see if that changes your luck…
Sounds more like they’re allergic to you.
Ha! White, it’s the new red.
I am cursed by the deities that control traffic lights. It doesn’t matter if traffic is heavy or light, cross-traffic waiting or not… the light will turn red five seconds before I get there, forcing me to wait several minutes for the whole thing to cycle around before I have green again.
The worst part is seeing the next light up ahead turn green while I’m still waiting for mine, and knowing full well that IT will turn red right when I get to it.
No wonder it takes me 30 minutes to drive five miles across town.
Same here. I’m convinced that there are sensors placed way back from the lights in our town that make the light turn yellow while you’re just too far away to make it. It’s especially noticeable at night, when a green light will stay green for minutes at a time, but just as I’m approaching, it’ll turn yellow.
“Your life will be happy. Or manageable. Always one or the other.”
You must be new to the world of high-stakes chess betting.
My husband can bring home four $1 scratch-offs, let me choose which three I want, and he will win on his single, while I lose on all three of mine.
Someone will always turn out in front of me on a clear road, and drive unbearably slowly. They will appear from nowhere, and they will not wait until I pass to turn onto the road, even though there is no one behind me for miles. This happens at noon. It happens at midnight. These mystery cars are my curse.
We were cursed by the same Maniacal Traffic Fairy who is laughing at us from a meadow somewhere. I have this, too. People will also floor it to pass me, only to slow down and turn right in front of me. With a mile of clear road behind me. And I am not a poky driver, as a matter of fact, I am often bit speedy.
I also have the uncanny ability to attract the biggest, stupidest, jacked up and/or blinged out truck/SUV to park right next to me, usually on my left, so that I have no hope of being able to see in order to back out of the parking spot. I have tried to remedy this or at least lessen it by parking in the farthest reaches of the lot, where there are acres of empty spaces, only to return to my car, and find that Skeeter or Tyrone has parked their Titan extended cab or land yacht Escalade right next to me. On the left.
Cosmic powers are at play here. That’s my only explanation. We consider microwave ovens to be disposable, at this point. I think I bought 3 last year.
I’m a single guy, so when I go to the supermarket, I know exactly what I want and where it is. I don’t run, but I make a bee-line to each item, drop it in the cart and hit the checkout.
I come up to an aisle that has a particular item that I want. Though the aisle is long, there is no one in it as I glance down its length. As soon as I enter one end of the aisle, someone else immediately enters the other end.
It makes no difference the time of day, whether it’s an old man using his cart as much for support as transport for his groceries, or a mother with a loosely gathered litter of noisy, runny-nosed offspring – they somehow head right to the section of shelving where my goal sits waiting patiently for me, and proceeds to part directly in front of it, spread out and overlapping it beyond my reaching capabilities, and commence to studying the section with intense concentration or taking the rest stop to slap a kid upside the head or finish up that marathon tweeting session.
Frustrated, but not surprised, I move on to the next aisle that has something I need, and as I peek around the corner and look down it, I see no people or carts in sight. Only cobwebs and an odd tumbleweed give any indication that this aisle is indeed open and filled with product, so, with extreme trepidation, I push my cart down the aisle and speed up to a sprint.
Before my last foot completely enters the aisle, another cart and person rounds the corner at the other end and starts making its way toward the shelf I so desperately need to get to on my hunter-gathering excursion. I feel a growing thrill of triumph as the shelf I need is much closer to me than the other person, and they are not moving near as fast as I toward the goal.
You ever see one of those scenes in a movie where the camera plays with perspective and the person on the screen seems to be almost standing still, but the background behind them zooms up in a surreal and frightening manner?
That is what I experience as I foolishly try to get to the shelf before the other person does. Somehow, without seeming to move a muscle, the person is there in front of the shelf, their cart and carcass taking up far more space than seems possible given the physical constraints of the appearance they exhibit. As they settle in to checking every price and reading every label, I slink off down the aisle, humbled, wondering why I thought this shopping day would be any different than all the rest.
As I slowly shuffle up towards the checkout lanes, head hung low, one eye starting an erratic twitch, I pick out a free and open lane, only to be blocked by a small boy standing before the last-chance item display of gum, breath mints and packaged candy, slowly perusing them like a connoisseur choosing a fine wine.
He looks up at me as I push my cart up within inches of him and I clench my teeth and give him a snarl. A quick look of wide-eyed surprise and he vanished down the checkout lane like a flushed rabbit.
Yeah, I should just offer a polite “Excuse me” and lean in for the item I want, but I just figure I will come back around again before I leave and see if the shelf is accessible then.
But I never remember to come back around, my mind consumed with getting out of the store and on my way home.
I frikkin’ hate shopping.
^^^nice!
When I read the thread title, I thought this was about phrases you use when you can’t drop an f bomb or other lovely language. Forgive me, it’s been a long day 
. So my contribution is nuts in a bucket.