This isn’t true? 
The olive thing reminded me of the well-known theory that: if you like snakes, you hate spiders and vice versa.
I also have the theory that the most scary looking, smelly, strange and creepy homeless individuals are actually manifestations of God. He just wants to find out who the REALLY good people are based on how they treat him in this form. Anybody who insults him, sneers at him, or turns up their nose instead of smiling is destined for hell.
Mine is serious.
A while back I read of a Doper who got a cold, but was forced to do a few hours of hard physical manual labor anyway on the 2nd day of the cold. The next day, his cold felt like it was on the 7th or so day.
Then, the next time he got a cold, he worked out for a very long time. His cold was cut short again.
The 3rd time, he was “lazy” and went to the sauna, thinking maybe heat was responsible. Didn’t work. Conclusion: hard physical workouts somehow give the immune system a good boost.
I’ve since adapted his strategy. When I get a sore throat, I now run 15 miles. Haven’t had a sore throat develop to a cold in over an year–the year before I had a cold at least every other month. Other factors may well play a role in this; I also moved to a different state around the same time. But, it’s not hurting so far; we’ll see if it holds out.
So it’s YOUR fault they took away my cherry coke? I kill you!
Based on what evidence, if any? Any way to guarantee that someone will be gay or not?
Certainly marketing experts sometimes behave as though this were true; but however stupid the herd is, it sometimes stampedes in directions no one could guess or divert.
I remembered mine! I claim Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton are the same person. I thought they had never appeared together in a movie, but looked it up on IMDB and came up with a true American masterpiece. (I still stand by my theory, thinking in such a horror movie, he could pull a Haley Mills and play two roles at once.)
I’ll support you on that one - I’ve maintained for years that the two Bills are really the same person.
Cosmetic manufacturors discontinue anything I love the moment I find the perfect mascara, lipstick ( ok, I haven’t found it yet in 25 years) etc.
They hate us.
Oh, and it is nigh on possible to find unscented deoderant/anti persperant in the usual brand you like. You have to bend over ( literally and figuratively) to get the shit brand that makes your pits feel lumpy and dry, (where your pit rubs against your arm and ‘catches’) becasue the pit juice makers of the world are dedicating their science to making your pits smell like Rain Forest, Spring Rain, Cotton, and a variety of floral and candy-ish stink.
They hate us, too.
And bra makers immediately ( as in before you leave the fitting room with The BRA to End All Bras!) discontinue it so that when that one dies a slow agonizing stretched out death, you will have to endure the humiliation of trying on a bra in front of those goddamn heartless carny mirrors in the dressing rooms. And what the hell is up with nipple placement in said bra’s? HUH???
Anything geared towards women is made by people who HATE women.
Strangely, I do not feel any better sharing Mein Kampf.
This isn’t my own crazy theory, but this happened at work yesterday and I just had to share. The following conversation takes place over the phone between myself and an 82-year-old lady.
Me: Hello, this is -me- from -where I work-. Your biopsy report showed a basal cell skin cancer, and because of the location (your upper lip), the doctor wants you to see a plastic surgeon to have it fully removed.
Old Lady: Oh! Oh my goodness! You know, it was caused by my husband’s mustache.
Me: No, ma’am. These kinds of skin cancers are known to be caused by sun exposure.
OL: Oh, no. You see, my husband had a mustache. And I remember the prick of it.
Me: Hmm. Well, I’m sure it pricked you. But I don’t think it caused your skin cancer. Many studies have shown that basal cells are caused by the sun.
OL: That’s crazy. I haven’t been out in the sun in years.
Me: Yes. But actually, most of your sun damage probably was inflicted before age 20. You went out in the sun when you were a kid, didn’t you?
OL: Yes.
Me: Okay, so here’s the name and number of the surgeon. Do you have something to write with?
OL: I’m watching TV right now, and there’s Tom Selleck. Those partners have to be told! This is dangerous!
Me: Hehheh, yes, probably so. At any rate, are you ready for the name and number of the surgeon I’ll refer you to?
OL: Oh, I’m so nervous about this. The bastard. Not the surgeon, dear, my dead husband.
:eek:
Pens turn into coat hangers. I can never find a pen when I need one, but I can always find a damned coat hanger.
Sharpies, other markers and bottels of White Out dry out once they’re placed in a desk drawer.
Nail polish is a scam. It will only look nice if you spend lots of money to have your nails professionally painted. What you buy in the store is the same stuff that White Out and markers are made of and does the same drawer=>dry trick.
There is a race of aliens among us who possess the ability to always appear neat, wrinkle free, well groomed and clean. They come from the planet Immaculon 7, and are impervious to sweat, wind, and dry cleaning bills. They are here to make me feel shabby and remind me that I have bad hair.
And they do this to distract the public’s attention away from more important, real conspiracies. Yes, I saw that Duckman episode too.
This one is neither crazy or irrational. That hair gel that got rid of frizzies and made my hair smooth? I loved it and it was discontinued. That hand lotion that wasn’t too greasy or too smelly? Gone.
I’ve believed it for years, and it also applies to TV shows. If I tell someone how much I like a certain TV show, it gets cancelled before the next episode airs.
I also believe in Male Pattern Blindness. My husband suffers from a severe case of it - he needs the Q-Tips. They’re in the linen closet. Can’t find them. Third shelf, on the left. Still can’t find them. On the left, maybe behind the Dixie cups - move something and look. Still can’t find them. I have to get up and go look. There they are - third shelf, on the left, right next to the Dixie cups.
I also believe Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton are the same guy. You cannot convince me otherwise.
Women go for assholes who don’t care about them because they can fuck longer without cumming (because they don’t care about them). They don’t like guys who actually care about them because they know (those guys) would be thrilled to fuck them and blow their wad too soon.
Some cats are born drunk, and they sober up and stay hung over until death.
Deja voodoo is when someone casts the same spell on you again.
Someone has stolen my identity. He doesn’t buy anything on my credit, he just goes around doing stupid stuff.
Mud and curbs are subtly mobile, and they are attracted to newly shined shoes.
You know how, when you’re a little kid, time seems to go sooo slowly. “In a minute” takes forever, “an hour or two” lasts for days, and you know that “next year” will never come. Then, as you get older, things start to speed up. By the time you’re in you’re thirties you’re saying, “Wow, this month just flew by!” and in your 50’s it becomes “The kids grew up overnight!”
Well, by the time you get old, you have to start making adjustments for that flying time. One way many people do this is by sloowwingg waaaay doooowwwn to try to compensate for the speeding time. Therefore, that 80-year-old you see driving about 10 miles an hour down the interstate is really going about 75, once you adjust for the “time flies” factor.
Now* this* one I like. 
[Moderator Underoos On]Maybe just a bit too heavy for IMHO, IMHO. You’re not posting in The BBQ Pit.[/Moderator Underoos On]
While I am a fan of Duckman, I honestly had no idea they did an episode on this idea and I came up with it independently.
There is a segment of the population that is genetically unable to approach a work station, whether it is a convenience store or a library reference desk or a hotel front office or a Wal-Mart or whatever, unless there is only one person there. This is why no matter what business you are in you can have a co-worker at your side and go for hours without any customers/patrons/guests/etc., but the minute after your co-worker goes on break the place explodes will be mobbed.
I believe that the digital alarm clock began as a scientific attempt to quantify and indicate the smallest possible unit of time measurable. This is why the power can be off for less than 1/1000th of a nanosecond, so short a time my computer does not go down and my TV stays on, but every alarm clock in the house is flashing 12:00.
I believe that Helen Keller was faking. The whole deaf/blind act was something she and her Irish maid Annie Sullivan cooked up to get a seat on a crowded train and it just grew from there.
I believe that the Kennedy men Joe 2, JFK, Bobby and JFK 2 were all killed by Rose Kennedy who was secretly the inspiration for Livia in I CLAUDIUS. How she got her grandson several years after she died involves a pledge made by Maria Shriver that also insured Rose’s canonization.
I believe that Mormonism was a religion created by a devious blacksmith to sell his new invention, the bicycle.
I believe that when flight attendants tell you “IN the event of an emergency your seat can be used as a flotation device”, they’re just guessing and hoping.
I believe that most illegal aliens are in this country as part of a Third World reality show.
I believe that there is a web sight out there that if you could hack it you would be able to read the headlines for newspapers years from now because all the really big stuff in human history is a script that was written thousands of years ago.
I believe that cats think in Hebrew, except for Manx cats who think only in English haikus.
“I believe that gay white men occur when straight black women reincarnate too quickly.”- my friend Tim
“I believe that the Internet is the nerd version of Israel.”- Sarah Vowell