I am not speaking in generalizations here. Insofar as it pertains to my life, yes, that is true. I really do think that. I’m not saying that I don’t think that anybody ever means what they say when they’re in a heightened emotional state, but I would not consider any promises made while in a heightened emotional state, and/or under duress, to be binding. I swear that I’m not trying to “quibble over semantics.” I just don’t think that that phrase means the same thing to you that it does to me, and I don’t know how to bridge the gap in communication.
Now, we were in a heightened emotional state at our wedding, but the wedding was not when we decided what sort of commitment we were going to make to each other, that’s just when we told everybody else what we’d already agreed on.
I definitely didn’t think you were trying to quibble over semantics–I felt the urge uprising in myself and was attempting to divert myself into a better path!
I’m really surprised you say that, to you, unless an elopement is involved, no promise of sexual exclusivity is made in a heightened emotional state.
In other words, you are saying that all promises of sexual exclusivity made in heightened emotional states are made during elopements.
It seems to me the promise is basically made at the proposal, and re-affirmed at the wedding. Does that seem accurate?
I can’t speak to what I “should” think, or how I “should” feel, but I can tell you that I can’t see anyway that relationship doesn’t end in divorce for me: I couldn’t live with myself if I felt that I was holding my wife back from being her best self, and I am way, way, way too insecure to ever be able to accept an open relationship.
Eh, sort of: insofar as I think that promises of sexual exclusivity are made in heightened emotional states at all, my sense of things is that it most likely happens during occurrences of elopements and/or very short engagements. But, I wouldn’t say it like that, because I feel like the way you said it makes it sound like I think that such promises made under such conditions are a common occurrence, and I don’t.
Not to me. If anything, I feel like such promises are made far in advance of even the proposal. I have no idea how common it is for such things to be agreed upon while either or both parties of a relationship are still in that “love glow” but, in my own (admittedly) anecdotal experience, it’s not common at all.
I’ve always suspected I was a bit of a chick, but I gotta agree with 'mika. A very strong part of me would seek to blame me. Maybe because I’d hate to think I could be blind to someone being that deceitful, maybe because I know I’m not perfect and instinctively believe bad things happen to those who deserve it (I might know better intellectually, but the shock of being cheated on kind of shuts down reason for a while). Frankly I am amazed at attitudes like the OP has. Not judging at all, but it’s just such a completely alien point of view.
I would be jealous, but also hurt for that fact that I was not good enough for my woman, that she never told me she was unhappy, does not find me attractive, and a myriad of other reasons.
To feel jealous does not make you a bad person, it is a normal reaction. Same as if a child was excluded from activities and gifts while their sibling was given gifts and taken places. The child would feel hurt, and who could blame them?
I didn’t catch my ex in the act, so maybe that would have been different, but finding out he’d cheated didn’t bring any of the horror/pain reactions that some describe. I’ve never had a hang up about that part of the cheating. It was the knowledge that he’d cheated believing that it was an action that could cost him our relationship and that wasn’t enough to stop him that was the problem. He valued me so lightly that he gambled on losing me, so I left.
If this Very Serious Talk came out of nowhere, I wold be confused. And frankly, upset. I would wonder how he came to this decision, what prompted it, how he felt about me, if he was bored… Etc! Random out of the blue announcement of wanting to have sex with others would be extremely distressing. There would be a succession of Additional Very Serious Talks, I imagine.
If it grew organically, so to speak, as a development that both of us were open to exploring…well, that would be different.
I would assume they were already involved with someone and they were telling me this because they were 1) tired of sneaking behind my back, 2) under the impression that I didn’t care enough our relationship to be bothered by this, or 3) stupid enough to think I wouldn’t see the truth for what it is.
I would rather my spouse just admit that they didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and drop the whole “you’ll always be my number 1 girl” silliness. People who are accustomed to monogamy can’t typically handle sharing their partner with others without suffering.
My current SO and I will have been in a committed relationship for seven years this October. It’s probably too long of a story to tell, so to make it short; he basically told me that I had to commit to him, or we were through. I loved him, and said yes, despite my misgivings.
Three years ago, I had almost that same Very Serious Talk with him. Pretty much word for word. He works out of town for two to three weeks at a time, and I more or less wanted to operate on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of basis. I would not flaunt the guy in front of him. I would not even see the guy when he was home. I was met with not just a no, but a resounding “Hell no!!”
Four days ago, I discovered that my “very committed SO” has been having sex with someone else for at least two years!! :mad: :mad: :mad: (He doesn’t know I know.) What am I going to do about it?
I’m going to pretend that he said yes to that Very Serious Talk.
And all of those expectation and reactions can be said without suggesting that people who aren’t monogamous are inhuman and lack empathy.
No.
I don’t agree. *Every *exclusive relationship I’ve been in (which is most of them) had that promise somewhere around the third date. That conversation usually begins, “so…are we, like, exclusive?” and usually ends in sex and giggles. Definitely still a time of heightened emotion and excessive oxytocin.
