I often zing my husband, concerning the size of his reproductive organ; now, don’t misunderstand. He’s really just fine, and he always takes these comments in the vein they’re meant.
Anyway: a couple of weeks ago, I had a stomach bug; almost everything I ate went right through me. Nonetheless, one night near bedtime, I commented that I was hungry.
Husband: Well, you should try eating something small.
Me: Even when I’m sick you’re trying to get a blowjob?
He smacked me on the butt (which is his usual response to these comments).
I was a junior in high school in darkest New Jersey, playing volleyball in gym class. On the other team is the notably trashy girlfriend of a football player – suicide blonde, rail-thin, snapped gum like it was Chinese New Year, swore like a sailor, and dumb as a donut spare – and she keeps angrily complaining about us when she misses the ball and it hits her. She thinks we’re trying to hit her, but it’s really that she can’t get out of her own way. After a bunch of volleyball strikes to her person, she yells to a passing gym teacher, “They hit me in the ass and the tits!” And I mutter so only my team can hear, “At least we went after the smallest targets.”
How she heard me, I don’t know. But after gym class I saw her huddled up to her boyfriend, pointing at me as I left the gym, and he nodded. Oddly enough, nothing ever happened. (I was a geek but at least as big as him.)
Him: “Don’t make me get my can!”
Me: “Can of what?” (as if I didn’t know what he was leading into)
Him: “My can of whoop-ass!”
Me: “Bah. You couldn’t open that can if it had a pop-top!”
We have a number of Russian speakers at work. I printed out your phrase and showed it to one cow-orker. I didn’t think she was a prude by any means. I told her the context of the phrase so she was prepared for some kind of insult told in jest. Nonetheless, you should have seen her reaction!
Her face dropped and almost turned white. She looked up at me with this look of disgust. For a fleeting moment I actually thought she was going to slap me. She told me to tell whoever wrote this that it’s disgusting, and told me never to show her anything like that again. She would not translate it.
Sounds like Mexican Spanish, where “fuck your mother” is the WORST insult imaginable. Like, N-bomb force. It’s to the point where the word “madre” (the standard Spanish word for “mother”) is a curse word. If you want to refer to someone’s mother in a nice way, you either have to say “mamá” or else “su señora madre” or “su santísima madre” (your lady mother, or your most sainted mother).
Confirmed: I showed it to another cow-orker who hemmed and hawed before he finally whispered, “It means ‘motherfucker’.” After I returned to my desk, he popped by five minutes later and said, “Actually, it means ‘fuck your mother.’”
He’s a bit shy, but he didn’t blanch like she-cow-orker did. Not sure if she reacted that way out of prudishness or because the phrase has similar cultural ‘weight’ as Mexican/Spanish as matt_mcl described.
My family was camping once with some friends. We were trying to figure out what we could pool together to make dinner; one woman spoke up: “I have chicken breasts.”
My dad: “Well, we can’t all be perfect.”
On another camping trip, early in the morning, a couple guys were sitting by the campfire and drinking coffee. Somebody walks out of his tent and wanders over, looks down at the two guys, and said, “Wow, you didn’t get any beauty sleep at all last night, did you?”
My mother said this once, and I’ve never forgotten it because it was just so incredibly over the top and bizarre, and I don’t even remember who she said it to or why:
“You’ve got your head shoved so far up your twat you’re looking out your asshole, and let me tell you, that’s a pretty shitty outlook.”
I started to type this all out, and as I did, I was certain I had posted it before. So I just went and stole the content out of my post on a similar subject:
Two of my prouder moments:
I had a coworker that I’ll call Beth who was notable for two things: her pleasure in detailing her sexual exploits, and her confidence that she was the best at whatever she did (in or out of bed). She would regale us with story after story of strange things she did in strange places, etc. but one of her favorite topics, (and, presumably, activities) was oral sex.
So one day Beth, Lisa (the office manager) and I were discussing high school, when I mentioned that I had played flute in band.
Beth: Oh, I played flute, too.
[And no, it does not involve the phrase “Skin flute”]
Me: Really? I miss playing, I really enjoyed it.
Beth: Yeah well I was really good at it.
Me: I wasn’t too shabby either, I don’t think.
Beth: Yeah but I mean, I was really, really good.
Me: ::nods:: OK [I figure I’ll just drop it because she’s starting to irritate me]
Beth: I mean, I was considered the best in my -
Me: Yeah, Beth, you know I have no doubt that you could outblow me any day.
The stunned look on her face was absolutely priceless - shocked silence followed by hysterical laughter. Lisa was at her desk, laughing so hard she was in tears.
My ex-husband, his best friend and I are sitting around chatting - I think it was the first time I had ever met the friend. We land on the subject of ex’s famous temper. His friend is needling him about it goodnaturedly. The ex feigns indignation and protests loudly, “I don’t have a temper!”
I smirked and said “Yeah, because you keep losing it.”
I’ve had a few snappy comebacks that I’m proud of. All true, all my own work.
To someone that commented that he was trying to develop his sense of humour : Don’t worry, you’ll be a wit one day. You’re already half way there.
I was working for a small company. There was a guy (Matt) I didn’t get on with very well. He gave his notice to quit the company. Now, the management sent an email to everyone in the company that on a certain date, they would take us all paintballing as a team building excercise, and also that the same day would be Matts last at the company, lets all wish him luck etc.
I reponded * “I’m sure we shall all miss him … unless he moves slowly” *
On a newsgroup devoted to discussion of a certain political issue. I was very much opposed to the issue. A certain guy (Dudley) used to post there very much in favour of it. He is fairly well known as a spokesman for a certain organisation advocating the issue. He often appears on TV and in newspapers advocating it. Now, most opponents, and even quite a few of the supporters of the issue think that Dudley is a fool and liar, and his website is full of rubbish.
So, one day someone commented “I must be Dudley’s biggest fan. His website is my favourite hit”
I just had to reply “A clear case of the fan hitting the shit”
Troll : abuse, abuse, abuse
Peter : How childish
Troll : Just trying to bait you, Peter
Peter : A skill at which you are a master.
