Minor historical note here: That was Nancy, Lady Astor, and the conversation went “Winston, if I was married to you I’d put poison in your coffee.” To which Churchill replied “Nancy, if I was married to you, I’d drink it.”
They were friends, but enjoyed their spats over politics.
This has got to be one of my all-time favorites.
my favorite:
You: Boy she was really pissed at you wasn’t she?
Victim: Who?
You: Mother nature.
takes a second or two to sink in…
as in when you were born. 
A guy I used to work with would whistle that whenever Dumb Guy From HR would walk by. He’d also refer to DGFHR as “an idiot savant without the ‘savant’”
Two favorites sighted on the SDMB in the past:
“Go apply a new coat of pretty, you filthy whore.”
“The only way you’ll see medical school is from the inside of a jar.”
From medieval history, there’s Liutprand of Cremona’s verdict on Willa of Arles: “She is the only reason her own mother is not the most vile of women.”
Or Eleanor of Aquitaine on her first husband, Louis VII: “I thought to marry a king, but found I’d married a monk!”
When Richard the Lionhearted was told to marry off his three “daughters”, Pride, Avarice, and Sensuality, he replied, “I marry my daughter Pride to the Templars, my daughter Avarice to the Cistercians, and my daughter Sensuality to the bishops.”
Or Piers Gaveston, the boyfriend of Edward II, who gave the nobles and courtiers mocking names. The earl of Warwick was the “black cur of Arden”, the earl of Gloucester was a “cuckoo’s bird” (a slur on his paternity), and the earl of Lancaster was “the fiddler”. They ended up beheading him for that.
During his later years, William the Conqueror grew a big potbelly, which gave him the impression of being pregnant. While campaigning in France he was injured and laid up in a church to recuperate. The king of France, Philippe I, quipped that William was “lying in”.
Thanks for the clarification. I don’t know where I got my version from but that’s what I always heard. But Mr. Churchill’s wit was second to none.
A friend’s daughter was preparing to give notice of quitting and relocating when she was given notice of termination.
When the paper work was completed and the deed was done she told the person who gave her notice, “Thanks for everything,” leaving them totally dumbfounded.
“It was more that I would have gotten had I qit as planned.”
When I worked as a bank teller, Richard, the obnoxious, flamboyant, abrasive assistant manager, was balancing his drawer after closing. When he finished (well ahead of the rest of us), he said “Of course, my drawer is perfect. Damn, I’m so good, I scare myself!”
Without missing a beat, I muttered “Yeah, you scare the rest of us, too.” That got a good laugh.
Best insult I ever heard from the world of opera was when a singer was having a fight with conductor Arturo Toscanini. She yelled “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m a star!”
To which Toscanini replied, while pointing to himself, “Madame, the stars are dim when the Sun shines.”
For some reason, I have four amazing ones about flight attendants getting the best of evil passengers, though no word on whether these are now-lost apocryphal stories or just jokes. Apologies if you’ve heard them before:
Flight attendant: Please fasten your seatbelt, sir. We’re about to land.
Cassius Clay: Why should I? I don’t need no damn seatbelt. I’m Cassius Clay. I’m Superman! Superman don’t need no seatbelt!
Flight attendant: Superman don’t need no airplane! Now put on your seatbelt!
This is set in post-Apartheid South Africa. An elderly white woman goes to take her seat on a plane and finds herself next to a black man. She immediately goes into a conniption. “How can I be seated next to a kaffir? This is inconceivable! I demand you change my seat at once!”
The flight attendant says, “Well, Madam, there are no other seats available in this class, but I’ll talk to the captain and ask him to authorize an upgrade to first class.”
The flight attendant goes forward to talk to the cabin, then comes back. “Well, it is very irregular, but both the captain and I agreed that it would be intolerable to have to sit next to such a person. Therefore, sir, we’ll be seating you in first class!”
Passenger tries to shove his way through a line.
Gate attendant: Please wait in line, sir.
Passenger: Wait in line?! Do you know who I am?
Gate attendant: (picks up intercom) Attention, passengers: there is a gentleman at gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can identify the gentleman, please come to gate 14. Thank you.
Passenger: Fuck you!
Gate attendant: I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to wait in line for that too.
My best one:
Fellow student - “You suck!”
Me - “Yes . . . but you swallow.”
While I was in high school, that Dian Fossey movie starring Sigorney Weaver came out.
Her - “Have you seen ‘Gorillas in the Mist’?”
Me - “No, but I could watch you in the shower.”
Probably apocryphal, but this is a favorite among pilots:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944 – but I didn’t land.”
“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man”
I have unashamedly stolen this from Blade Trinity -
“You cock-juggling thundercunt!”
I’d use it more often, except it makes me giggle every time.
While engaged in a zinging match with one of my co-workers:
“You’re the Screech of (the name of the restaurant we work in)!”
He was :eek:ing for so long that I thought I crossed the line until he hit my arm and told me to go to hell 
From Shakespeare about the Thane of Cawdor: “Nothing in his life became him like the leaving of it.”
From history: Gladstone and Disraeli were arguing in Parliament. Gladstone said: “Sir, You will either be hanged or die of some loathsome diseaase.”
Disraeli replied “Sir, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Also historical: A woman encountered Churchill who been out drinking. She said “Sir Winston. you’re drunk.”
He replied “Madam, I am drunk but you are ugly. In the morning I will be sober and you, madam, will still be ugly.”
From my life. We were rehearsing a play and one member of the cast was very unpopular. His name was Jeff. A woman was joking and someone told her “to shut the fuck up.” She turned to Jeff, who wasn’t part of the joking and was his usual oblivious self and said “Jeff, shut up.” It got a big laugh from everyone but Jeff who probably still has no clue what everybody was laughing about.
From personal experience. I got an obscene phone call from a man about 3:30 am one morning waking me up. He asked if I had a big dick. I said “Yes, and you’ll never get to touch it, you use useless bastard.” and then I hung up.
For every guy who has seen a woman who thought she was God’s gift to men.
IF ASKED:
Does Spandex, short skirts, and basically any piece of clothing which when seen causes men to automatically have a sexual image implated in their head look good?
Simply reply that No clothing is a right and should be thought of more as a privilage so if you don’t know ask somebody. Rule of thumb is that if you have to ask the question most likely the answer is yes and we lie to avoid looking at you or hearing you complain about things we can’t change. Also, if any man has puked in his mouth and has held up a finger to ask for a moment this means “What your wearing is not for you and should be burned immediatly!!!”
This is to every authoritative figure that thinks what they do is important to society.
Do You Stink Of Stale Donuts and Bacon? YES!!!
Reguardless Of What You May Think? No Speeding Ticket has ever changed a person’s life for the better and STOP asking questions which you are going to change the answer to SUCH AS:
Do You Have Anything You Would Like To Tell Me? NO, except that I am going to leave in a shitter mood and state of mind than when you found me and No I didn’t say I’ve been drinking or that there are drugs in the vehicle. I said I was on the way to the store to buy a drink and refill my coffee MUG!!! JERK-OFF
Overheard at GenCon (the world’s biggest Dungeons and Dragons Convention), at the Hotel McDonalds, as congoers wearing kilts, leather bustiers, cat ears, jester’s outfits, and so forth thronged the restaurant:
Cashier: I CAN HELP THE NEXT PERSON OVER HERE! [sub]except with your mental problems–can’t help you with those[/sub]
I know I’ve had dozens of good zingers (the majority of them being thought of after the golden opportunity had passed) due to the habit my friends and I have of getting into battles of insults and yo momma fights. The only thing I can really remember right now is once during one of these insult wars my freshman year of college, I said to my male friend as we were walking down an NYC street, “I’d suck your dick if it didn’t smell so much like cocker spaniel.”
After I said this, an innocent man we were passing just responded with, “Damn!!” which let me know that, oh yes, it was a good one.
You might have fun in this thread
an apt target one day got '…listen, Merkin breath…"
I do hope they could figure out how to look it up.
My favorite-
When a guy is going on about how he has 12 inches for you or some such crap
“Turn the ruler around sweetpea”