Your zingingest insult!

In My Humble Opinion
81

Actually, that was the Earl of Sandwich and John Wilkes, but you’re right, it *is/I] a classic.

I wish I could claim a memorable zinger of my own, but alas, I can’t. When I was working in the child support establishment division of our county prosecutor’s office, however, I was told the immortal story of Sharon. Sharon was a prosecutor who was speaking to the mom of an alleged deadbeat dad. The mom said, “You can’t hold my son responsible for getting that girl pregnant. He’s so good-looking, girls just flock to him!” Sharon said, deadpan, “Ma’am, that’s not a valid legal defense to paternity. And even if it were, it wouldn’t apply to your son.”

I also like the story of Ben Franklin, who was at a fancy Paris banquet not long after the American Revolution. The British ambassador stood and toasted King George III who, “like the Sun, illuminates the whole world and brings joy and gladness to all.” The French ambassador stood and toasted King Louis XVI, “who, like the Moon, brings us light and beauty even in the darkest night.” Franklin smiled, stood and toasted George Washington, “who, like Joshua of old, commanded the Sun and the Moon to be still… and they obeyed him.”

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill (IIRC): “Here are two tickets to opening night of my next play. Bring a friend, if you have one.”
Churchill: “I’m busy that night. I’ll come on the second night, if there is one.”

Dorothy Parker, on an actress who had broken a leg in London: “She must have broken it sliding down a barrister.”

Dorothy Parker, on Katharine Hepburn: “Her emotional range as an actress runs the gamut from A to B.”

82

Damn! Screwed up the italics. Here’s what I meant to post:

Actually, that was the Earl of Sandwich and John Wilkes, but you’re right, it is a classic.

I wish I could claim a memorable zinger of my own, but alas, I can’t. When I was working in the child support establishment division of our county prosecutor’s office, however, I was told the immortal story of Sharon. Sharon was a prosecutor who was speaking to the mom of an alleged deadbeat dad. The mom said, “You can’t hold my son responsible for getting that girl pregnant. He’s so good-looking, girls just flock to him!” Sharon said, deadpan, “Ma’am, that’s not a valid legal defense to paternity. And even if it were, it wouldn’t apply to your son.”

I also like the story of Ben Franklin, who was at a fancy Paris banquet not long after the American Revolution. The British ambassador stood and toasted King George III who, “like the Sun, illuminates the whole world and brings joy and gladness to all.” The French ambassador stood and toasted King Louis XVI, “who, like the Moon, brings us light and beauty even in the darkest night.” Franklin smiled, stood and toasted George Washington, “who, like Joshua of old, commanded the Sun and the Moon to be still… and they obeyed him.”

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill (IIRC): “Here are two tickets to opening night of my next play. Bring a friend, if you have one.”
Churchill: “I’m busy that night. I’ll come on the second night, if there is one.”

Dorothy Parker, on an actress who had broken a leg in London: “She must have broken it sliding down a barrister.”

Dorothy Parker, on Katharine Hepburn: “Her emotional range as an actress runs the gamut from A to B.”

83

I prefer:

“The best part of you trickled down your mother’s leg.”

84

A friend recently had surgery for diverticulitis (some sort of colon thing) and was not allowed to eat anythinhg with seeds in it, or any nuts. He and his girlfriend are notorious for talking about sex all the time, meaning the sex that they engage in. So, when another friend asked him why he couldn’t have tomatos at a party I said “Because of the diverticulitis, he can’t have seeds or nuts in his mouth, however the seed from nuts is purely discretional.”

Not great, but he did blush.

85

From “Witches of Eastwick” (I think):

You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.

Brutal.

86

I made a good silly joking insult yesterday.

Coworkers are waiting for the bus to go home when I arrive to also wait for the bus. After a minute or two, a light mist starts. I say “Oh, rain!”

A coworker who frequently jokes with me says, “We had this conversation about 20 minutes ago. You’re a little behind.”

I say, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re a big behind!”

:smiley:

87

Once a cow-orker was screaming calling me a “Fucking Bitch.” I pointed out that she was the one wearing a pair of FUBU jeans with a big “FB” on her big ass. People were laughing so hard they were choking.

88

If I want any lip out of you, I’ll rattle my zipper.

89

After Bill Dauterive joined a horrifyingly awful mens chorus:

I wish I could remember the feces/shame/stupidity line when I need it.

90

Back in my schooldays one of my best friends was of the Religious Society of Friends (commonly called Quakers), She would never have entertained the thought of cussing or swearing but, nevertheless, had a wonderful way of putting people in their places.

My personal favorite was “I certainly hope that when thee gets home to thy kennel, thy mother bites thee.”

The Lizard Queen

91

To a man: “Nice shirt - do those come in men’s colors?”

To a woman: “Nice dress - do those come in women’s sizes?”

92

Don’t guess you know this, but in the US, dresses come in two size ranges: Junior/Misses, and Women’s. The first is sizes 0-14, and the second is size 16+. So asking if it comes in women’s sizes is asking if it comes any bigger; not exactly a zinging insult.

Perhaps something more like “That dress is so cute-- I bet your brother would look adorable in it”?

Corrvin
who once chastised a grown man for chasing a baby rabbit by asking him, “Didn’t your mother teach you not to do that when you were a puppy?”

93

My two favourites have been taken, Fuck-start her head and cock juggling thundercunt.

My wife once told me to “piss off hairy bollocks”

94

I can’t remember the exact event, but there was something I went to, likely a gaming convention or rennaissance faire, where there were a few swords about. My (very homophobic) friend starts going on about the swords. I counter and say I’d like to see one that’s a little bigger than the one he’s pointing at.

Him: It’s always a size thing with you!
Me: (purposefully looking downward past his belt) Because it’s -never- a size thing with you.

He literally fell to the ground from the power of the insult.

95

I used to work at the place that sold those tapes. Does that mean I’m a hooked on phonics motherfucker too?

OK, here’s mine. My mom used to be married to an absolute pig. He had no redeeming qualities. One day she was mad at him and ranting about how he was so arrogant and for no reason. She finally spluttered, “He just really thinks he’s number one!” I popped back with, “And he’s really number two.”

This same guy also claimed to put women on pedestals (not true), and I added, under my breath, “So he can see up their skirts.”

96

I don’t know where this originated or if it’s been mentioned, but:

“Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck your self.”

97

Many moons ago, back in high school choir, I had been shunted into the soprano section after a year in alto. Apparently the teacher wanted to ‘increase my range’. It worked, I can’t fault him there, but high schools don’t tend to sing loudly at the best of times. It’s rather tricky when it’s easier for an alto to sing more loudly, but things sound positively dreadful when all you can hear is the alto and tenor sections.

Anyway.

We were all feeling run-down. Choir was the last class of the day, and we all sounded like cats in heat. The soprano section sounded like very uncertain laryngitic cats in heat, I’ll make no bones about that. But in the alto section, we had – and I’ll change her name to protect the utterly non-innocent – Rachel. The altos didn’t sound any better, and Rachel was the flattest among them. Plus, she had a bigger ego than anyone else in the section (which is impressive, if you know choir students).

Rachel let out a heavy huff and wrinkled up her face, making her look even more like a pig than usual. “The sopranos are too QUIET,” she huffed.

I swear the comment I made was under my breath. But in that room, where a bum note could ricochet off the tile floor like a sack of lead dropped in a convent, my comment reached the rafters:

“Rachel, you aren’t quiet enough.”

Silence. Dead silence.

Hysterical peals of laughter, including from the teacher. The only person not laughing was Rachel, who started furiously demanding to know “Who said that?! WHO SAID THAT?!”

Good times. :cool: