You're a virgin!

I’m an 18 year-old male, on winter break from my first quarter at college. This afternoon I and three other 18-year-old males (friends from my old highschool) were occupying two benches in a mall downtown.

A man walks out of a nearby bar and starts smoking a cigarette. A few minutes go by and he says to us, “Look at you people! You’ve got the best seats in the whole fucking mall and you’re just sitting there!” And he imitates our vacuous stares. His point was that we were not girl-watching as well as we should be, and he begins to show us how to do it correctly. “It’s ok,” he says, “I’m 43 years old and look at me!” And he ogles a 15-year-old girl passing by. “It’s illegal, but you can still look!” he says. So the four of us sit there fairly amused about how a middle-aged guy is acting like an immature teenager, as he continues offering us words of wisdom such as, “Don’t go for the degrees! I’m a bartender, that’s where all the action is.”

And then he looks right at me. “Oh, my God, you’re a virgin!” he tells me, “I can see it in your expression.” Then he jokes about finding me a prostitute as I feign amusement and the other three guys laugh. I was considerably offended by his rude, overt treatment of me, especially because I could not deny his uncanny ability to correctly identify the (relatively) “uninitiated” among us four. We all knew he was right, and it made me uncomfortable (I know there’s nothing wrong with virginity, it’s just that this guy made it seem so outrageously pathetic of me, and I was in the presence of three friends for whom sexual conquest is among the most desirable and laudable feats, albeit typical for our gender and age.) I was leaning forward with my hands clasped, not saying a word. Then he imitated my posture and admonished me for it, and instructed me instead to lean back and spread one arm out. But I didn’t budge and merely stared at him indignantly. He cursed my lack of receptiveness and told me to turn my head to the right and look at a girl who had supposedly been looking our way for quite some time, but still I just stared at him, and again he imitated me. (Of anything I did during this episode, I am most proud of myself here when I refuse to sit how he wants me to and look where he wants me to. I was happy to openly ignore the instructions of a disrespectful boor, and rather silently glare at him.) Then a couple of the guy’s friends arrived and his attention was diverted. Soon the four of us went on our way.

So basically my response to his insults was utter silence, and I’m convinced that was probably the best thing to do. There are many ways to justify it, and the guy was so full of himself and condescending toward us that nothing less than a shocking riposte would have pierced his overbearing, tough-guy demeanor. But that’s where I need your help. Inspired by this thread about the sassy Walmart fashion-critic, I’d like to know if you can think up any appropriate responses to this jerk. I know that someone as low-down as he doesn’t even deserve a response, and I got some satisfaction out of my self-control (or, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway), but how could I have verbally defended my honor?

What I want to know is, how did he know you were a virgin?

Well, it takes one to know one…

Depending on how comfortable you are in your sexuality, you could have loudly thanked him for offering to deflower you.

“At least I will get the opportunity to change my status. You’ll be a masturbater for the rest of your life.”

Or, you could have yelled out, “Oh my God! You just stole that sweater from Foley’s? And the security gaurd didn’t see you?!? Hey! Hey, everybody! He’s bragging about shoplifting!”

“You’re a pedophile!”

“Shut up you disgusting, drunken, disrespectful, tasteless mockery of a human. You filthy disreputable reprobate. You vile, vain, villainous mannikin. You dog. You worm. You puling, puking, pig-headed pederast. You filth. You scum. You soft-headed, sacriligous, salad-tossing suck-monkey. You cack-handed masterbator. You clowning, cloying, cloven-hooved cockmocker. You vermin. You louse. You crawling, blood-sucking, diseased tick in the ass-crack of the cosmos. You souse. You winesop. You tosspot. You worthless, stumbling alky. You maggot. You moron. You pinhead. You useless, asinine idiot. You asshole. You bloody-faced, black-toothed, babbling bastard. You slimey puddle of sick. You pandering, perverted, pant’s pisser. Get the fuck out of my sight before I do the human genome a favor and strike a match within ten feet of your paint-peeling butane-breath.”

But silence was good, too.

Not giving him the time of day, all things considered, was probably one of the best things you could do.

You remind me of myself at your age … given different circumstances … and they were students too … oh, hell. Nevermind;)

“I’d rather be a virgin than sleep with the kind of woman that would sleep with you.”

There’s probably a less convoluted way of saying that.

God, it sounds to me like the guy was just busting your balls. I’ve ran into thousand of guys like this and, while I must admit that they’re annoying, I would bet dollars to donuts that he meant you no harm. He was probably just an aging loudmouth trying to feel young by screwing around with some college guys. I usually smile and nod and let out a few laughs until I can somehow get away. Staring blankly at him just makes you look like more of an asshole than he is.

Well, people have told me I look innocent. But I did find it pretty scary how well this guy nailed it on the head, so to speak.

Ah, yes. So simple, yet I didn’t even think of it.

Jesus, Miller. That was… was… a thing a beauty

Without a doubt, SC_Wolf’s response would have been the most crushing course of action.

I don’t give a shit what his intentions were. There’s no excuse for acting like that.

Then so be it. Just because he might not understand the gravity of his words to me doesn’t mean I should pretend to take his words lightly and play along when he’s attacking me. It all goes back to being true to myself and whatnot.

Yes, I’m an 18 year old virgin, and that will change. And I will one day have a real job. At least I will never be a 43 year old bartender trying badly to befriend 18 year old virgin males at the mall by teaching them how to annoy females under the age of consent, which I might add is a misdemeanor. Nor will I ever be a 63 year old bartender in the same position. If you find my virginity so offensive, suck my dick now and be off!

Well, I don’t think he was attacking you but I wasn’t there so I only have your story to go on. I do know this though: if you’re going to let the passing words of a stranger hang on you like this then you’re not only an asshole, you’re a pussy too.

Again, I wasn’t there but it sounds like the guy was making [albeit obnoxious] smalltalk, not pushing you around or threatening you. Certainly not “attacking” you unless of course there’s a part of the story that you left out of the OP.

I’m not particularly defending the guy or trying to put you down but I am somewhat surprised that you’ve never come across his type in the past 18 years. It seems like I have the misfortune to meet one at least every month or so. Grow some thicker skin man, you’re not gonna get very far if you let something as little as this crush you.

You tell him, in no uncertain terms, to mind his own business and stop bothering you.

If he doesn’t, call security.

I don’t really think I’m letting his words “hang” on me, but if that’s what I’m doing, and what you say is true, then I want to be a pussy.

It didn’t crush me. My skin is a lot thicker than it used to be. In the past, it would have crushed me but I have learned a lot since then. I was just trying to think of an appropriate response I could have given other than silence.

Well, you have to think of what kind of guy you’re dealing with here. If you insulted him he would probably just laugh and insult you back, thinking you’ve started some kind of game. Think big dumb dog that thinks you want to play when you’re really just trying to push his nose out of your crotch.

Like I said, I just smile and nod at these guys and remove myself ASAP. I’ve found that to be the best way of dealing with them. YMMV.

Howsabout a quietly extended middle finger while you were glaring at him? A rant may’ve just given him amusement at being able to jerk your chain but a subdued non-verbal cue may’ve done the job.

Think about it… if you rant and rave at the guy, he’ll know he hit a nerve. But that way, you get your point across perfectly well and don’t have to worry about coming off as a thin-skinned psychopath.