If anyone bought me a birthday cake like that I would stab it with a knife and then stab it repeatedly with a fork, crush it to death with my teeth, and eventually poop it out. I’d show that cake who’s boss.
I’m rocking back and forth just reading this!
I had a good friend for decades whose brand new husband was very controlling. I got nothing but bad vibes from this man, and it appeared to me that she was being brainwashed. He flat-out gave me the creeps. It didn’t help when I found out that this mans ex-wife had called my friend before the wedding and warned her about him.
When I would call, at first she would have to get off the phone because he “needed” her for something. He didn’t work, so it was next to impossible to speak to her without him there. He forbade her to make long distance calls (and she was the breadwinner, he was living off of her income). After a while, he was the only one who ever answered the phone, and he always claimed she wasn’t there or was busy.
Once she and I had planned a visit, and hours after she was due to arrive I found out that “he didn’t want her to go” for a completely bogus reason, so she had never left. He claimed he didn’t want her being attacked by a “gang” or some such nonsense (I lived in a very toney Manhattan neighborhood), so she didn’t drive up. She no longer had her own opinion or desires. Everything was X says, X feels, X likes, X wants. I could give a zillion examples, but I knew in my heart that something wasn’t right. When you know someone so well and for so long, you just know when something is off.
After less than a year of this, I became concerned enough to call her parents and speak to them about my suspicions. To my surprise, she had told them that she had driven up, described what a wonderful visit we had, gave them all sorts of phoney news about me, etc. Her mother told me that she suspected that X was listening in to all conversations between them, and that she was full of excuses when either or both of them wanted to visit her. Her parents had figured that if anything was wrong, she would have told me and their suspicions were deflected when they heard all about the wonderful trip she took by herself to see me (which never happened) and how we spoke so often (I could never get her on the phone). Then her parents told me that X had made her quit her job because he was “making good money”. I knew for a fact that X had no assets and that he wasn’t working, so unless he was printing this money in the basement, that was an obvious lie on her part. Her parents were extremely concerned by this point. They literally drove to her house, unannounced, minutes after our conversation.
They pulled up just in time to see X beating the shit out of her, and it turned out it wasn’t the first time. The police had been there before, but my friend always declined to press charges or changed her story because X was sorry and wasn’t going to do it again. Her father called the cops, and it turned out it was X’s third or so domestic violence arrest in the past year. He ended up serving a little time, not much, but long enough for my friends parents to get her the hell away from this guy and try and regain her senses.
Don’t like 'em. Clown cakes taste funny.
I was friends with a married couple T (husband) and V (wife). T was verbally abusive to V at times, and one time when we went to V’s parents house, V and her siblings treated their mother pretty crappy.
I was also friends with two people who were engaged, until the girlfriend broke up because the boyfriend was getting abusive.
My wife’s sister was also with an abusive boyfriend before breaking up and finding a decent guy that she eventually married.
I know that both abusers and those being abused can be men or women, but in my personal experience, and from stories I’ve heard, it seems to be a lot more common for the man to be an abuser, and for the life of me, I’ll never understand women who say things like, “But he really loves me,” or, “He’s really sorry and won’t do it again.” I mean, I understand women who fear what the boyfriend/husband will do if they leave, but there are so many women who just make excuses and either believe that the guy is good at heart, or that they somehow deserve it. This is the 21st century, what the fuck?
Actually, current research shows that men and women are both abusing their partners (and women are MORE likely than men to abuse their children). Men are far less likely to report being abused by a woman, however, and police and courts are far less likely to prosecute abusive women (if they even believe that she’s been abusive).
I read through this expecting a Scary Clown Cake reference. We veered off target and YOU are trying to keep us on topic. Did you miss the memo?!
My husband forbids me to speak about clowns. (j/k!)
I totally believe that relationships like this exist, but they really just boggle the mind. I think one of my biggest weaknesses (in terms of compassion) is that I have a hard time understanding why people stay with lousy partners and I struggle to muster up sympathy for grown adults who allow themselves to be abused. The thing is I KNOW better (cognitively), I understand trauma psychology, I’m just emotionally stuck, maybe because my Mom will shack up with anything that breathes.
I once had a boyfriend shove me and I made it clear in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, we were over. A few weeks later we got into an argument and he held me down on the bed and quasi-choked me to try to prevent me from leaving. As promised, I broke up with him immediately (as soon as I was safe.) He whined, he cried, he stalked, he attempted all manner of romantic gestures, and I just didn’t care. My feelings for him vanished the moment he put his hands on me.
Another thing that I also can’t wrap my head around is how the MAN in this situation managed to maintain such tight control over another person. I mean, wouldn’t it be freakin’ exhausting to have to listen in on every phone conversation and constantly keep track of another person? Seems like a major PITA for the abuser and I don’t get why anyone would choose that. Those are some deep issues right there.
I think the criticisms of the OP are unwarranted and most likely manifested out of boredom. My advice to the OP is let your friend go. Don’t get wrapped up in her drama because she is going to make her own choice and there’s nothing you can do. I don’t know why people allow themselves to get stuck in shitty relationships, but they do. The only thing you can do is save yourself. And she has pretty clearly given you an out, so if I were you, I’d take it.
That’s because crazy batteries never need recharging.
I’ve been hearing this claim for 25 years or more and have never seen convincing evidence it’s true. If you have some cites I’d honestly like to examine them.
To which claim do you refer?
I think women do get away with abuse a lot more easily then men. They either aren’t taken seriously as a threat or the man has too much shame to call it abuse. My mother was very abusive and my grandmother routinely beats the shit out of my grandfather, once put him in the hospital with a concussion. Neither of them has ever had to accept the consequences for their actions – in fact, my mother has convinced everyone she currently associates with that she was abused by her husband, because he got pissed off one day and pushed her and she tripped and hurt herself. She conveniently leaves out the reign of terror she subjected us both to for over a decade, and people buy into her victimization completely.
I am skeptical of the claim, however, that abuse perpetrated by women against their partners happens more often than vice-versa. I would be interested in seeing that research, because AFAIK women are still disproportionally the victims of domestic violence and much more likely to be abused.
We did a thread on women abusing men before; there were cites aplenty in that thread, if I remember correctly, if anyone wants to hunt it up. I don’t think it was a case of women abusing more than men, but women being the abuser far more than people generally acknowledge. I’ll see what I can dig up for cites.
This link has lots of interesting statistics.
From this site:
From this site:
I’ve been researching female on male violence for a couple of years now, and it is heartening to see that these cites and statistics are becoming easier to find. Hopefully the message is getting out; women are abusing men, and it’s no more right than men abusing women.
Yes, it is VERY strange. It’s strange that the narcissist is accusing her “friend” of having borderline personality disorder, a very nasty psych label. Now I don’t want you calling me schizophrenic or anything, but if I had dyslexia (as you stated above that your “friend” does) and someone made a crack about spelling, I’d be pretty offended.
But I think this whole thing is a spoof, right? You couldn’t possibly be as clueless as you’re letting on.
There are no typoes, Moran.
Well, I guess that means women are more evolved because they use tools.
Cough…snort OUCH!!
You do realize you’re going to hell? 
How, I wonder, did the researchers differentiate between “slap, kick [or] punch[ing]” one’s partner and “beat[ing] up” ones partner?
It’s a matter of degree and extrapolation from interviews (extrapolation, primarily due to the difficulties and credibility gaps in self-reporting). Findings are then triangulated with re-interview results that confront the subjects/victims with evidentiary proof. Though the subjects remain in denial, the inner conflict of simultaneously knowing it results in certain categorized physical ticks. People who have been exposed to the type of abuse associated with the former group tend to clap their hands; people exposed to the latter tend to stomp their feet. The lines are blurry (as is common in the social sciences), and there are range of other ticks – including head nodding, finger snapping, hand waving, toe tapping and the like.
Given the primitive and infantile nature of the physical manifestations, a lot of observational research is being done at the elementary school level.