In general, when people tell you what they are like, believe them.
Never date someone and make them your “project” to reform. That happens in the movies, yes, but so do talking animals and people with superpowers. Reforming someone is especially likely to fail if the person you’re trying to reform doesn’t want to change whatever it is you’re trying to change about him or her. Relationships are an “all sales as is, no warranties express or implied” kind of situation.
Pregnancy isn’t the only risk of sex. Not all sexually transmitted diseases are curable. I grew up and got sex ed when HIV was still a death sentence, so I know this. Fortunately, it’s not that any more, but it is something you will be stuck with for the rest of your life, if you get it.
The only time to have unprotected heterosexual sex is when you are trying to have a baby, and both you and your partner are on board with this idea. Otherwise, use a reliable form of modern birth control, and be sure to use it correctly, each and every time.
Relationships are not always WYSIWYG. People change. You might think this contradicts what was said earlier, about not being able to reform people. It doesn’t. People changing and you controlling how someone changes are two totally different animals. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may change, even change significantly, but you’re not going to have control over how those changes happen.
If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to change some minor thing, one of the better ways to bring that about is to ask. Say something like, “Honey, now that we have cats, I don’t want them drinking out of the toilet. Can you please try to remember to put the seat and lid down when you’re done?” This is a lot more effective than hinting around at what you want them to do. Say what you want, don’t make them guess. Say it in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way, but say it.
Just because I think pets are more trouble than they’re worth does* not* mean I’m lacking empathy. I’d rather spend my time, energy, and money helping to make my wefe the happiest person on Earth.
Don’t expect someone to change everything about themselves that you don’t like. If you find someone who is willing to do this, run away. It sounds good at first, but really, there are problems there that are deeper than you want to deal with.
Never move in together, get a pet, make a major purchase together, or have a baby to shore up a failing relationship. It won’t work, and it will make the breakup worse. Orders of magnitude worse, in the case of having a baby.
Exactly this. I have plenty of guy friends I’d never go out with, because there’s no spark or we wouldn’t be compatible in some other way. But the spark would never be enough for me to go out with someone I didn’t enjoy and respect and trust and *like *and all the other things you expect from a friendship.
This, in spades. Please, learn from others’ bad experiences.
He didn’t call his exes crazy, but he sure complained about them a lot. He probably complains about me now. Do I lose any sleep over it? Oh hell no. Should I have seen it sooner? Oh hell yes.
If you keep Ending up in relationships with messed up people, I am sorry to say that You are the problem.
I think this is more of a female issue. A lot of women are hardwired to be attracted to the wrong types of guys.
“Gentlemen! I propose that if we leave this normal woman, chosen at random, in a room with this specimen of man, within 24 hours she will sprout a straight-jacket and be drooling on her toes…!”
Boyfriends who insist on sex without birth control, or who refuse to use a condom when you ask them to, are bad boyfriends.
Boyfriends who try to pressure you into doing something sexually that you’re not comfortable doing are bad boyfriends.
Boyfriends who try to pressure you into having sex when you don’t want to (or, worse, who force you to have sex) are bad boyfriends. What they are doing is rape.
Boyfriends who hit you are bad boyfriends (unless you are both into S&M and it is part of consensual sex). Even if it only happens once and he apologizes profusely afterwards.
Boyfriends who put you down and make you feel bad about yourself are bad boyfriends.
Boyfriends who insist on knowing where you are and what you’re doing at all times are bad boyfriends.
Boyfriends who don’t want you having male friends are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who don’t like most of your friends are bad boyfriends. They don’t have to want to hang out with your friends, but they should not have a problem with you spending time with your friends.
Boyfriends who try to change a lot of things about you, or some major things about you, are bad boyfriends.
These things apply, with the obvious modifications, to girlfriends as well. No significant other who does any of the above is worth staying with.
I second this. My ex had a 5-year-old dog when we met, and I assumed it was a good sign about his heart and his ability to care for another living thing…and then I moved in with them. The dog was a very sweet Beagle, but she had behavioral issues due to being left alone too long/too often. I believe that he loved her, just like I believe that he loved me, but in both cases the love was on his terms and at his convenience.
I, however, did not start peeing on the carpets or licking things excessively.
My exes and I generally parted on good terms, but in every case, there were very good reasons why we parted.
And it’s been just shy of 25 years since I was involved with any of them; I barely remember who they were then, let alone have any idea what their lives might be about now. Being in a room with them would be like standing on a subway platform: we’d all be polite enough to each other, but not have much reason to get a conversation going.
