Vultures will be following you, for some strange reason.
The following fortune cookie will contain the secret to long life, wealth, and happiness.
Oops, it fell off of the table and a passing dog just ate it - fortune and all.
(Outdoor dining of course!)
You will soon be passing a dog. The chili you put on it was out of date.
You will soon be pursued by someone you had a single date with so long ago you no longer recall anything about them. But they remember you.
Mother nature will be announcing a safety recall on your particular kneecaps and L1 to L5 spine segments. Don’t make any plans for the immediate future.
Your future looks gray, with occasional pink and yellow polka dots. See your physician.
In the future, everyone will be trapped in a fortune cookie factory for fifteen minutes.
Next week you will be trapped for several hours in an elevator with Tucker Carlson.
In your next life you will be an elevator. Mostly non-working.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, if all you got is lemons and no sugar, nobody will want to drink it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then add vodka.
(come to think of it, maybe this isn’t necessarily bad advice… )
-“BB”-
You will accidentally inhale a lemon-flavored cough drop, necessitating an extremely inconvenient and expensive visit to the hospital emergency room.
The day after you let your car insurance lapse, you will accidentally total the car of a big Mafia don. He will not be happy.
Your lucky day is June 31. Check your calendar.
You will soon be offered a position as a centerfold model in the Schmuck of the Month calendar.
Your lucky month is Never. Your lucky number is orange. Your life insurance has just been cancelled.
-“BB”-
By the time you read this, the truth serum should be working. What are the nuclear launch codes?
Tonight only, if you steal a car, you will not get caught.
You will be caught on camera picking your nose and it will go viral.