Well, this hambeast avoids that situation by not going on dates with complete strangers, but to each their own.
You make it sound worse an awkward situation.
I just have no sympathy for that. I’ve been on enough first dates with not-so-attractive women that I’m pretty confident in saying that it’s not the hell some people are making it out to be.
Back in the days of newspaper personals, we had to take our chances. You kids and your Interwebs these days. Get off my lawn!
If you don’t care about the other person’s feeling, sure, you can split, but it’s hard to do that without being rude.
Better to be able to cancel altogether, make up some polite, bullshit story, but still spare the other person the experience of disappointing in the face to face.
If she can’t put on her game face and smile and be polite no matter what curve ball she’s been thrown, then maybe she souldn’t be dating in the first place.
I very much doubt that, though.
This. Seriously.
Who are you talking to at this point? You remember that the OP is not the person going on the date, right? Or that showing her friend what her blind date actually looks like doesn’t automatically mean she’ll cancel the date?
While I agree with those who say it doesn’t hurt to give someone you’re not immediately attracted to a chance, this shouldn’t extend to requiring the rest of the world to help them hide what they look like from potential blind dates. The friend obviously likes the guy already – she’s already given him as much of a chance as he’s going to get. She got to know who he was before she knew what he looked like. If he’s ugly enough that she’s simply not at all attracted to him, then that’s it. Game over. Going on a pity date with him isn’t doing him any favors – the nicest thing you can do for someone you know you’re not romantically interested in is cut things off the second you realize it. Stringing them along just wastes their time and makes the inevitable letdown that much harder.
Why should she have to do that? She doesn’t owe the guy anything.
Yet another vote for sending the link, if you already haven’t. If nothing else, it’ll soften the blow for when she meets him in person. Or she may decide it’s not worth it, but you’re a good friend for sending the link. Maybe initially she’d recoil in horror, but this is certainly a blessing that you found it.
There are quite a few guys I’ve been friends with guys over the years who are smart, funny, kind, irreligious like me, politically like me, blah blah blah, but they are unattractive or even ugly. This happens a lot of you’re somewhat nerdy and hang out in such circles. Nothing they could say or do would ever get me to consider dating them.
My question is, why did they flirt/talk so much before meeting in person? Even if it was just from a friendly standpoint, why wait so long? Seems like her shyness tied in with the fact that he knows what he looks like likely resulted in neither of them ask to meet for awhile. If you were in his shoes, why wouldn’t you want to wait to meet a girl until you can get her to fall for you while she hasn’t seen you?
It’s basic politeness, and yes, she does owe him that.
Additionally, if one of my friends decided to do me the “favor” of googling someone I was interested in, I’d be pretty offended. For one thing it’s not giving me the credit to decide for myself who I am and am not interested in. It’s presumptuous. For another, it’s invading both my and her privacy. And I don’t care how easy the search is. Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s right.
I think hambeast is my new favorite word.
Visualizing some guy biding his time across the table from a hambeast is cracking me up.
Mmmm… hambeast and eggs. With toast!
This. Seriously.
[/QUOTE]
This. Seriously.
Imagine the following OP:
I’d imagine a very different response than we got here (but of course we’ll never know, unless someone tries an OP like this in the future)
As to the OP of this thread, I agree that it’s a tough choice, but for me, if it was one of my friends and I found some extra info on a potential future date, I’d send it to them in all likelihood.
Thanks for continuing to offer help / opinions, guys. I really do appreciate it.
The difference between my OP and your proposed switched-sex version, Polerius, is that I never said “too fat.” I mean, too fat for what? He appears to be mobile and though I can’t swear to it (I don’t see him walking to the dais in the video), I believe he can walk of his own accord. I gotta assume everything works. 
My friend’s not into waterskiing or anything that he might not physically be able to accomplish, so “too fat” just doesn’t enter into it.
Honestly, gang: I have never said anything like “this fuggo is too fat and hence not good enough for my friend,” so I do wish people would quit implying that I did. While I’m at it: I’m also not jealous of her, I don’t lust after her, nor do I want to sabotage this budding relationship for any other reason. Would I have taken such pains to describe the guy in such positive ways if I did? No, if I subconsciously wanted you all to encourage me to send the link, I’d be passive-aggressively dogging him so he sounded bad. I know how these threads work. 
With respect to tdn, I don’t care if he would be offended. He won’t know, and even if he did, his feelings aren’t my concern. Hell, many people here don’t even think my friend’s feelings are my concern. I think they are, at least the same way anyone else would be concerned about a much-beloved lifelong friend.
I’m putting myself in her place. And I think most people would want to know.
All this said, I agree with the others that if my friend really really wanted to find a pic of him, she’d probably have asked. Trust me, she knows me as well as I know her, and she would not be surprised that I was curious enough about a guy in my own field to dash off a quick Googling. I just think it’s nuts to say this is aberrant behavior in this day and age.
To those who (justifiably) want to know why they haven’t met? Well, it really hasn’t been very long since they began speaking on the phone. Just a week, in fact. Is that really such a long time before arranging a face-to-face?
My friend’s reason is already stated: she’s insecure about being overweight. (Think Nigella Lawson, not Totie Fields. And yeah, I know I’m dating myself with a Totie Fields reference!) She wants to lose more weight before she meets him.
Why the guy hasn’t arranged a face-to-face? Perhaps for the same reason.
And yeah, that’s the thing. Would you want to know, if you were my friend?
There are too many helpful posts to single out, though I’m now leaning toward lindsaybluth and Dio and Giraffe and the others. I think there’s a way to bring up the subject and let her do the asking, or maybe do the looking up, without my having to force the issue. If she really doesn’t want to know, she won’t ask. I have NO intention of slamming this guy in any way. If I found out something bad, as in he lied about his married status, or he was some kinda sex offender or whatever, then I might be more assertive. This? No.
Upsides:
She MIGHT like to know he is a bit balding and chunky and forgo the date.
Downsides:
She did think he was a soul mate, now not so much because of your meddling/observations.
She gets upset that you checked him out in the first place.
She gets mad that you judged him and or her or her judgement.
And apparently otherwise good guy doesnt get a chance because you thought he was not up to par looks wise.
To me it appears you are “possibly” saving her from an awkward date/meet for coffee (oh the horrors!)by taking some risks that have much more serious and REAL repercussions for everyone involved.
Its not like you are saving her from a sex offender or career crimnal or married man or sumptin.
Really, you think women owe you dates?
There’s no invasion of privacy involved. It was a videotaped public appearance posted on youtube. Public appearances are, by definition, not private.
I’d have exactly the same response.
Given that choie said in the post right above yours that “I have NO intention of slamming this guy in any way”, I’m not sure I understand any of these potential downsides. How is her sending her friend an email to a YouTube link saying “Is this the guy you’ve been talking to? He’s hilarious!” ruining his chance with her? He looks like what he looks like. Why should it be a big secret? It sounds like the video also showcases his personality, which the OP already knows the friend likes.
If this guy is so incredibly ugly that a mere glimpse by her before she’s locked into a date with him ruins his chances with her, he never had a chance with her.
There would be no meddling involved, and it would be because of her own feelings about what she was attracted to, not because a friend sent hera video. Choi didn’t make the guy fat, nor would she be offering any opinion at all on the guy’s looks or any suggestion at all that they shouldn’t meet. Any decision made based on the guy’s looks in the video would be made entirely by the friend.
Doesn’t sound like there’s any real chance of that, nor would it be justified. She googled a public personality, she didn’t hire a private eye.
This has not happened. Sending a video does not carry any judgement.
No, he wouldn’t get a chance because [b
Choie’s** FRIEND thought that, not because of anything Choie said. She isn’t proposing saying anything about his looks at all.
Except not. Not getting a date is not a meaningful “repercussion” for anybody involved.
Nor has she given any indication that she thinks she is, or that she even wants to stop any meeting at all.
Oh you CAN dress it up.
But lets face it. She doesnt want her hambeast suffer a date with Mr Hambeast.
Huh? I have no idea how you got that from what I said. I said nothing of the sort.
To restate, if she accepts a date with him, she owes him the courtesy of being polite. And he owes her the same.