My girlfriend and I have been cohabitating for the last six months. She’s a doctor and she often does 24-hour calls, and she’s usually very busy. When she’s home, she spends most of her time watching shows and films on her laptop. The laptop’s on the bed, and there’s food everywhere.
She throws everything around, never puts the bottle cap back on, never puts the toothpaste tube cap back on, throws her clothes around, and everything is in horrible mess.
I clean up every single day. I have no problems with this, but she started showing some alarming signs. She never knows where her phone is, forgets her laptop and charger in the car, and sometimes even leaves the house door open. Her lab coat is dirty because she throws it on the floor as soon as she walks in.
We have three cats (all hers), and they are the only thing she ever pays attention to. I call her repeatedly, while standing in front of her, and she only responds on the fourth or fifth time.
I always thought that she’s just messy and unorganized, but last night the doorman rang the bell at 12 am to tell me that the car’s hazard lights are on. I went downstairs, switched them off and then went back home with one controlling idea on my mind: she has ADHD and she needs treatment.
She’s an extremely beautiful and intelligent person, but she’s incredibly stubborn. How do I get her to seek treatment?
I’m not sure if this belongs here or on in any other category, but I really need advice.
Thank you.
Are you a doctor also? Are you qualified to diagnose her as having ADHD?
I’m not a doctor but I have enough medical background, in addition to the Internet. I looked everything up and she matches all the symptoms of adult ADHD with horrible precision.
Also, what’s the point of your asking that? I’m not saying I’m going to administer chemotherapy. I’m looking for a way to have her go seek treatment, in which case if she’s not diagnosed with ADHD then that’s that.
Again, Diagnose should be left to a medical professional. What is your medical background?
Enough to make me determine that she needs to go to a medical professional.
Plus, the worst thing about this whole ordeal is how it dawned on me that there’s an explanation to all this behavior, and that I wasn’t aware of it (assuming that she does have ADHD - which I’m 100% sure she does).
Reminds me of a story of a doctor who went to visit a friend who lived with his family. During lunch, the man’s disoriented father, who was 40-something, got up and took a piss in the corner of the living room. The man was embarrassed and told his friend that his father is ageing. The doctor, who thought the father was in his sixties, asked his friend about his father’s age. When he learned he was only in his forties, he immediately asked his friend to take his father to get treatment because he probably has Alzheimer’s .The point is: the man’s son was at peace with the idea that his father’s age explains all his behavior, but suddenly someone comes and sheds the light on a completely different aspect, much to the man’s horror. The scary idea that there was something wrong the whole time but that he couldn’t put his finger on it. His father was alone all along.
What made you make the leap from messy and unorganized to ADHD? I’m not seeing it. She made it through medical school, so she must be organized enough in some aspects of her life.
Since you brought it up as reinforcement of your ability to diagnose her condition, how about giving a straight answer?
I mentioned in the original post that she matches all the symptoms I’ve found on many different websites, including authority websites.
Both parents were doctors; I’ve worked for four years translating medical journals and booklets; I’ve worked in a hospital for two years; I’ve worked in the authorizations department of a health insurance company for four years; I’ve taken two medical terminology courses; I’m well educated and capable of researching and finding information.
Is your whole argument really based on my lack of professional healthcare credentials? If this is how you think things work, then you’ll have to excuse me.
But you’ve also claimed yourself as one of those “authorities”, apparently. Those websites haven’t personally studied your girlfriend’s medical history.
This is really more seeking opinions so I’ll move it over there.
However, Czarcasm, your behavior borders on jerkish. The dude asks for opinions and you’re close to directly attacking his desire to ask for them. Stop it. Now.
NM.
Plus there’s a reason people don’t treat their family members. You’re too close to be objective about her. Maybe you should ask her if she thinks she needs treatment. Is it affecting her work or other aspects of her life?
Sir, never have I mentioned anywhere in my post or replies that I’m going to treat her. I’m not administering medication, I’m not performing a surgery, I’m not slipping pills in her milk, I’m not doing one damn thing. What I’m talking about is how to approach her with the proposal to go see a healthcare professional who can determine whether or not she indeed has ADHD. That’s all. I don’t see what any of this has to do with me or how close or far I am from her.
I want her to go see a doctor. I am not the doctor.
It might be that she has so much pressure at work that she needs more help taking care of things at home. Her inattentiveness may just be exhaustion.
Maybe, and maybe not. I don’t see what the harm is about going to see a psychiatrist. They can even help with the stress, if it’s just stress.
Why are you - and others - adamant about dismissing the very valid reasons I have to believe she has ADHD?
She’s constantly depressed, stressed, thinks lowly of herself, thinks she’s wasting her life on medicine. She binge eats sometimes, and spends the weekend watching films and cartoons.
- We don’t know that they are valid, for reasons previously given.
- We are thinking that there may be other reasons for her behaviour.
Have you actually told her that you think she has ADHD and, if so, what was her response?
Maybe ask her about how she sees your future together? Kids? A family life? Because if she aspires to either getting a grip on her messy habits and lack of focus is definitely going to be required. If she cannot do it now, what hope is there when there’s a child to manage as well? No matter the future plans she mentions, you ought to be able to make a case that getting a handle on these things sooner, rather than later, just makes sense! Perhaps you can lead her to it that way?
You might suggest AADD, but you could also mention perhaps it’s organizational, or some outside thing bothering her or interfering?
Hey, at least it’d get the conversation started!