Well, I’m not much use, but people seem to think I am a good friend. Got any use for a redhead? And I am a good cook, too.
Aherm…
A BUSTY redhead?
Scotticher:
A good friend is the very foundation of society.
Busty redheads are also always in demand.
Being a good cook demonstrates the ability to juggle variables. Also highly useful.
Perhaps you’d be willing to help with my new legal system. As I’d promised this new system will also eliminate poverty, hunger, unemployment and child abuse.
I should be announcing the broad strokes in a day or so, and I’ll be needing somebody to head up that division.
Honey, anything that eliminates poverty, hunger, unemployment and child abuse has my vote.
I’d be happy to help!
[sub]uunnnnhhh.[/sub]
::awakens, looks about::
mmmmmmmmmmmnnn?
::sees Elenfair, beauteous in repose::
Aaaaaaahhhhhh. Oh Elenfair, my sweet equilateral, I shall not soon forget you. I still remember your words, the words that drew me ever closer… “I have a soft spot for math. Triangles ARE fun. Now come here so I can estimate your ratios…” [sub]Sniff![/sub] What might have been?
::gazes towards Tattva, resplendent in pulchritude::
Still guarding the tap, I see. Such a true, fine woman. What was it you said? “…this keg and the dancing naked women that come with it only go to those who deserve it…”
And you, most naked of the dancers. Ah, memories, special memories we together shared.
Still, I must leave thee.
::gently nudges alice_in_wonderland::
Ssshhhhh. Come, my multi-jointed jabberwocky. We must go, and learn about inverse tangents. And you can show me a herkie. We shall build many pyramids together…
::trips over Persephone::
ooof! Sshh. Sorry… uh… Persephone? Here?
::sees Scotticher, dreaming peacefully::
…busty… redhead…
Say, alice, let’s… stay here a bit longer.
[sub]This is the best flan I’ve ever tasted! You are just the prettiest chef ever![/sub]
Come one, come all!
Come see the Wonders of the Happy Fun Squad!
AlbertRose, my little trapezoid, come here so I can investigate your area… I will whisper sweet little nothings and A=1/2h(b1-b2) in your ear…
As for busty redheads, join the Squad! We’re glad to have you!
Scotticher,
As one redhead to another, and one powerful creature in the wonderous Scylla The Great’s Empire of Goodness to another…
I’m glad you’ll be doing something about child abuse and poverty. In fact, I demand we all do something about it right now.
Or else I shall be very, very cross.
And that’s not good.
::::: pouts :::::
Elly
“Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” [sub] - Anonymous[/sub]
Gah. We really MUST do something about Euty.
:::: batts her eyelashes at Euty :::::
Come on, you great hunk-of-a-moderator-you…
Let’s explore UBB codes together…
::::: wiggles eyebrows::::::
I’ll put in a good word for you with Scylla, and he may go back on his decision to turn you into an Imperial-Foot-Washer…
Come on, Euty, my dear, sweet, moderator.
Scylla: so many demands, so little time…
You’ll be wanting to keep and eye on that Tygr person; she seems to have some silly notion that supreme dictators have a need for their peoples to be represented by intermediaries, who, if past history is any guide whatsoever, often become partisan adherents to seditious principles such as free speech and press, due process, fair warning doctrines, separation of powers, and so forth.
Under the wise rule of one such as yourself, I’m satisfied that the people have all of the representation that they need.
Another thought occurs to me as well: achieving “phase one,” that is, the initial climb to power. Although I have little doubt of your efficacy as ruler, many unenlightened types will certainly oppose your claim to supremacy. Most likely forcibly. And while the Happy Fun Squads will certainly nullify many opponents and secure many converts, willingly or not, their employment will be like spitting upon forest fires in the hope of extinguishing them. Best to reserve their services to the conversion, disciplining, and/or rewarding of key personnel, rather than mass conversion/subjugation of entire continents (unless your recruiting department is more effective than I anticipate…)
As such, I offer my services as Field Marshall, as I rode a tank, held a General’s rank, when the Blitzkrieg reigned and the bodies stank.
Actually, that last part was a bit of exaggeration; lest I be accused of padding my resume, I’ll retract it and just say that I was a part of the force that did a number on that Hussein feller. And I have read Sun-Tzu’s Art of War, and am current on my Rommel, Patton and Schwarzkopf, as well as U.S. Army Field Manual 17-95 Cavalry Operations, a comprehensive how-to manual for the training and integration of artillery, air power, armor and cavalry assets in maneuver warfare, as well a logistical planning tips for supporting a combined force in single operations (which shouldn’t be difficult to extrapolate into long-term campaign requirements).
I will be, at your behest, your Charybdis.
I’ll be most effective in parking your tank regiments on the doorsteps of malcontents and such (I do not believe in half-measures), and you can be rest assured that there will be no wimpy “Tiannemen Square” nonsense. I’ll even stoop so low as to unleashing hordes of gophers, hopped up on psychotropic drugs and stuffed with remote radio command detonated plastic explosives, upon your enemies, to literally undermine their infrastructure.
I recommend Canada as a first example, as they have no native food of their own known for taste or any other notable quality. They actually mistake ham for some dubious substance called “Canadian Bacon”. It’d be a shame to lose all that good beer, though…oh well, there’s always Europe.
I anticipate little trouble with the French, though it might be best to make an example of them anyway, to soften (or firm) the resolve of the rest of the continent. And make no mistake: I will not make the same errors concerning the Russia Campaign as Bonaparte or Hitler. My extensive experience with Axis and Alliessub[/sub] has given me considerable experience with the conquest of Russia.
My approach has several key benefits:
1. The culling of the weak and sickly.
Given the current population levels of the planet, this will greatly reduce the demand for social security benefits and child welfare services. Which brings me to my next point:
2. Re-education of the general populace.
Humans, being a resilient race, will again resume fornicating and reproducing the moment the food suppply is normalized. These replacements will have the benefit of growing up under your new, wise and benevolent regime. As such, there will be less pining for the “good ol’ days” of personal liberty and representative government.
3. Desensitizing the general population.
While the methods I recommend are, of necessity, often brutal, they are also necessary to breaking the spirit of resistance to the pogroms, er, programs, you intend to institute. Once the people wrap their limited minds around the conceopt that there is now only one boss-guy, then the Gentle Way may be employed to secure the lasting loyalty and undying devotion of your peoples. I refer to this as “The Carrot and The Stick” method.
Finally, let me add my own petition, is a similar vein to Uncle Beer’s request. I would like to see the banning on the manufacture, transportation, selling, serving, and consumption of blended Scotch whiskies. Recommended penalties to include, but not be limited to, the lifetime sentence of being forced to drink that vile crap in lieu of any other fluids.
In the perfect regime, only single malt unblended Scotch whiskies should be allowed.
Submitted respectfully for your perusal and commentary.
Field Marshall Candidate
Of the Nascent Regime
Of the Wise and Benevolent Scylla.
Oh ExTank, you are such a darrrrling.
Come here so I can smother you.
Scylla, you may have found yourself a good advisor, here, but first let me at him to find out where his real loyalties lie.
Scylla -
I’ve had my eye on you for some time and now I see that you have decided to make your move…
I have already been deemed the Almighty, Handsome, Benevolent, and Humble Dictator (A.H.B.H.D.) so know that this title is taken. I just thought I would let you know so that no trademarks or copyrights were infringed upon in your own quest for world domination.
Your ideas for domination reflect my own in many ways. I have some terrific advisors and I am sure that they would be happy to lend you their advice and wisdom, for a small fee of course.
Don’t let the power go to your head, all this adoration is great but all the pandering tends to wear thin after a while. Sure, I have a policy of mandatory sucking up but I rarely enforce it.
World domination is also a lot of work and can be very stressful and tiring, make sure you have some hobbies to take the edge off.
Know that I am immune to the powers of the Happy Fun Squad and fear no-one, except my beloved Lola. That would be fear in the biblical sense.
Did General Tank say something about Canada? This would be my home turf from which I launch my operations. I wouldn’t go there…
And… we’ve got Odie.
Odie! Nooooooooooooo!
::wail::
Feynn, you may be able to resist my Happy Fun Squad Members, but NO ONE can resist me.
Come here, and let me show you what I mean.
::: pulls out chocolate for the Little Feynns :::::
::: Offers Feynn a full year’s worth of babysitting :::::
See? If you work for the right empire, you get lots in return. The Happy Fun Squad isn’t just about… well… you know.
Master, master, look, look !
Elenfair: I love it when you talk quadrilaterals. Want ta do some Interior Angle Sums?
Say, Feynn, be careful. If Elly shakes her “Members Only” moosehair-clad hamhocks at you, you’re finished. Give Odie back before someone gets her mane in pigtails and “Strawberry Shortcakes” you.
Suggestion: let’s leave Eutychus be for a while. Every dictatorial regime worth its sodium chloride needs a weak, Thoreau-quoting, Minnie-Mouse-fetished enemy to demonize.
ExTank, I’m glad you’re on our side, you magnificent bastard.
Ummm Happy Fun Squad?
Didn’t I ask you gals to keep your eyes on Eutychus?
Now look what he’s done.
I’m very disapointed.
::sigh::
I guess we’ll have to put things on hold until I smite Fenris or Eutcychus, or something.
And maybe somebody could go start a vicious pit thread about Albert Rose, to keep him occupied.
I have it on good authority that in real life he likes to where girl’s underwear.
Ex-tank:
You’re hired.
I pronounce you supreme commander of Mega-Force
I hereby announce my defiance of the Scylla regime! Down with Scylla! Down with Scylla! Yeah, send your Happy Fun Squads after me! I’m not afraid! Bring 'em on! I will NOT be silenced!
(My name is Miller, I live at 123 Nota Street, Pseudopolis, California, 99900. The blue house. I’ll be waiting at the end of the driveway.)
Scylla, honey, kitten, dove - I have tried. Euty is simply too thinkskulled for the Happy Fun Squad to get to… but I’m working on it. For now, he’s the Scylla Benevolent Empire Enemy - but I wouldn’t fear him, he’s a weakling…
Albert Rose, let’s. Let me find our common multiples. Let’s spend an evening of inventing multistage experiments with tree diagrams and geometric probabilities!
I love it when you talk mathematical…
Miller, nice try, buddy.
Ex-tank, darling, would you go take care of Miller for me? Thanks, sweet-potato.
Scylla, may I have Ex-Tank as a personal guard, too? Being brilliant as he is, I’m sure he can take on the job…