This won’t hurt, will it? I’m all for being lavished, but…just be gentle.
Goodness, man! A little tough on yourself today, huh? These self-deprecating remarks make me feel a little awkward and uncomfortable.
Seven!? Seven?!
We are all terribly incompetent as thread killers. I blame Vladimir Putin.
Obviously my tender-hearted care leaves much to be desired. I offer lavished kisses, and the intended recipient worries that it’s gonna hurt. Sigh. Maybe this explains why all the girls in high school and college “loved me like a brother.”
Well, heck, if I can inspire such fear and anxiety among my friends, I ought to be able to subdue the thread. C’mere, thread, pucker up …
Oh please…
You stinker. You oughtta know better by now. You’ve got someone known as a STRUMPET for all intents and purposes throwing herself at you for six pages of thread and you slug her in the stomach. You’re not getting out of this that easy…
{{{smooch}}}
There. pant
That ought to teach you a thing or…oh, my…faint
Is fainting your way of telling me my breath stinks? (I have REALLY low self-esteem.)
I figured, I’ve already attacked this thread from one end. Time to try the other.
Oh, I give up. sigh
mumbles to self I’m gonna lose my title if things keep going like this…I’m losing my touch…shit, did I ever have one?
Heavens to Murgatroid! I can’t have you doubting yourself, struuter!
I’ll make it up to you, I swear! Let’s start this whole thing over. Can I punch you again?
Just out of curiosity – whence comes the appellation “struuter”?
Can you punch me again? I thought you’d never ask… 
Make it a good one.
True to my affection for Terry Gilliam and Time Bandits, I didn’t take the name of the bandit I liked best. (which would be Og…or maybe Horseflesh…or…no, wait…yes, that’s it. Isn’t it?) Struuter, IIRC, was one of the only ones to remember the words to Me And My Shadow. Are you sorry you asked?
Anyway, the name popped into my head when I registered because I’d just seen another bandit on the board…Wally. How about that…and I never actually told him that. Wish I had…sigh
Don’t put me under such pressure! My fist will get all limp if I have to stop and think about what I’m doing.
I swear by all that is good and holy, this thread is gonna kill me yet. Is there any nourishment around this afternoon? Pizza? Leftover knish? Anything?
How 'bout some oysters?
giggle
Knish, again? I was thinking soup. Matzoh ball? Won Ton? What do you like?
Mmmm … soup.
Hot & sour soup would be great, or maybe some clam chowder (if it’s really thick, not that watery crap).
I’ve got some crackers.
Hey! Maybe we could kill the thread by giving it too many crackers and nothing to drink! That always makes ME feel like I’m about to die of thirst.
I have figured out the most sure fire way to kill this thread! The answer came to me whilst I was pondering the philisophical nature of that which we call “The Simpsons”.
I remembered the Halloween episode where all the huge advertising monsters were rampaging throught Springfield. How did they defeat those gigantic horrors? How do we defeat the Gigantic Horror that has become this thread? Simple.
We turn our backs on it.
We refuse to aknowledge it’s exisitance.
We kill it by ignoring it!
For that, and ONLY that will be it’s downfall.
And it will only be the last of us, that final person to turn away and deny it’s existance, that will be the true killer of this thread.
Will it be YOU?
Well, will, I WOULD, but I dunno, I’ve actually gotten kind of attatched to it. I mean, once you ignore the oozing pustules and beady eyes, it’s really kinda sweet.
(Psst, keep it on the down low, but why I’m REALLY here is that struuter’s having a self esteem crisis, and girls with low self-esteem are my speciality!)
<Sidles over to struuter>
Hey, hey, don’t cry, you’re plenty sexy, to ME. 
So Jester, now you don’t want this Megathread to die? Hmmm?
Perhaps it is because YOU SPAWNED IT! Ye the mother of the evil thread! Get him everyone! Its All His Fault!!!
shakes head will, will, will. Have seven pages taught you nothing? Attacking Jester won’t solve anything. What we’re dealing with here is a mysterious power much greater than ourselves. That mystical pull of the thread…that unexplainable something that draws us back post after post after post.
Sure, we can subdue one person…maybe a whole herd of people…but there will always be some poor wretched souls who JUST CAN’T HELP THEMSELVES. They’re seduced by the chance…the bleak possibility that it might just be their post that ends this.
Can’t you see it? The longer this thread gets, the more powerful that enticement becomes…no, not just the slayer of any old thread, don’t you see? But the Grand Master, All High and Revered Slayer of THIS thread. And the longer it gets…the more important the final post becomes.
I’ve given up, quite frankly. I’m just here because I like the company.
Now Jester…about my self-confidence. Can a girl get a hug? sigh
You’re right, struuter. This thread has become some weird sort of reverse-prison: we’re trapped because we keep coming back.
Personally, I think we’ve discovered a black hole on the internet.
Morning, all.
Morning Sauron. Here…start off your day the right way. Have a knish.
Thank you, struuter. I just remembered the other main reason I keep coming back to this thread.
(Was that too subtle? Do you think she got that? Maybe I should’ve said something more obvious. Oooh, I’m TERRIBLE at this … )
Hey, struuter, I’d hug you, but the last one I gave you didn’t go over to well. Anyway, in light of the depressing nature of this thread-prison, I brought donuts!