I hope that title isn’t too confusing. I mean people you have to hang out with because they’re your friends friends or whatever - they’re not your “responsibility” and you don’t feel you can pull them aside and say, “Hey. This is for your own good. When you speak? Think first and say to yourself, would I icepick somebody to death who sounded like that all the time? Then decide.”
Say there’s somebody who’s your boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend. You see her a lot but you’re socially constrained from saying anything to her that might piss her off, in other words. It would land you, your boyfriend, AND his friend (who, although he’s the BF’s friend, has sort of become your friend too) in hot water. But this person, please god don’t let me be found out here, this person who we’ll call Angela, she’s the most annoying human being on the face of the planet. Her only tone of voice is a whine. She’s childish. She and her boyfriend (fiancee now) will have long awful drawn out sniping fights in front of everybody. She’s the worst stereotype of a female - “Oh, I don’t know, whatever you want to do” always means “You better do what I want and do it fast, bitches! And you better read my mind about it too!” And ever so sensitive about anything people might say to her. I’m sure you’ve met people like that before.
My question is, is there honestly anything to be done about it? If you just don’t hang out with her, you miss hanging out with everybody because of course you can’t do anything without her. You can’t take her fiancee aside because he’s not “yours”, you can’t take her aside because that would be trouble for everybody (although god knows you’ve come very close sometimes.) Everybody’s too much of a pussy to do anything about it and it drives everybody crazy!
I just wanted to know if any of you guys have actually found a way to deal with this kind of situation, and if so how? (Besides “to hell with her, blow up and look like the bad guy” or “Divorce yourself from toxic people”, both of which honestly aren’t workable responses. And plus, I was raised better than to get in a fight with somebody who isn’t even my person.)
I’ve never dealt with a situation that extreme. I have been with groups of people that I didn’t know very well, however, and my knee-jerk response is to say quietly to no one in particular something along the lines of “That was inappropriate.” If I say it with an air of humor about the whole situation, people don’t usually get offended. My friends do this as well. It’s a useful hint sometimes that you (generic you) need to moderate your behavior so as not to be off-putting to a newcomer. When I get together with my peeps, things often take a turn for the weird.
Whether this approach will work for you or not, I don’t know. Could you go out to lunch with her maybe and have a heart to heart? If she doesn’t feel pressured or put upon she may be more receptive to your suggestions.
Huh? Why do you care? It’s not you who’s making a scene. Why try to control other people? I personally am concerned about my own image; not someone else’s. So she’s a dork. What’s it to you?
From reading the OP, I’d say it’s a concern because it’s extremely annoying to hear this person and potentially problematic speaking to her. It’s not a matter of image, it’s a matter of being unpleasantly exposed to a real pain in the neck.
Why exactly can’t you stop hanging out with them? What’s so much worse about going out with four people instead of six? A good friend of mine had a toxic girlfriend for a while, so I just had to stop hanging out with him when she was around. Yes, it was unfortunate that I couldn’t see my friend many nights and he often wasn’t allowed to do fun stuff, but I got over it.
Well, exactly - if we wanted to do without Angela we’d have to do with Joe too, and you know, sometimes the BF and I get tired of just hanging out with ourselves. Yeah, we need to get more friends, but it’s hard after college, ya know? And this is damned hard for him, too - this is his best friend!
You can’t really do anything about them, but there are things you can do about you (that is, your responses) that can go a long way in guiding the general tone.
I’ve found that being direct often surprises the Angelas of the world into shutting up long enough to steer things more to my liking.
If she is doing one of those stupid squabbles with her BF, you can put a gracious smile on your face and pipe up, loudly, firmly, and politely, with “My goodness! This conversation is making me quite uncomfortable, surely this is something private that doesn’t concern me.” In other words, say what you are thinking, only nicer and without adding “you stupid cow.” Then, you have some options:
If she pauses to gather her thoughts before responding, jump in fast with a (positive and upbeat) conversation change. It helps to have a partner-in-crime who will be quick to pick up the ball and chime in.
If she protests that it really isn’t private, or they’re not really fighting, or anything else that is supposed to make you think you are in the wrong, this is a good time to excuse yourself to take a walk on the deck, check up on the kitchen, visit the ladies’ room, whatever.
If she challenges you with a “how dare you” type comment, don’t take the bait and let her look like the crazy person she is.
But the bottom line is not to engage her when she is being rude. She is taking advantage of the fact that you (and other polite people) will often give up ground in the interest of not making a scene.
It’s like the opposite of taking her aside. Taking someone aside only works for normal people, because they appreciate the privacy of the straight talk. Taking Angela-types aside only results in NO WITNESSES, and they can then spin the issue however they choose, attempting to make you look like a petty and mean person.
If the others in your group are secretly agreeing with how awful she is, they will thank you later.
Thank goodness my husband and I are fairly anti-social, but I do hate my husband’s brother’s wife and I finally blew up at my in-laws and told them I couldn’t stand to be in the room with Kate another minute and now I have my husband make sure it’s going to be “just us” when we make plans with his parents.
I am quite sure I am the one who’s considered a bitch for it, too, but if it means that I don’t have to listen to how Africa is a backwards country and how John Gotti, Jr. is going to heaven, so be it.
Suck it up. I think sometimes you just need to keep a polite tone and put her at arm’s length. She’s annoying, but unless she does something damaging, there’s not much you can do about it.
Oh - I left out an important part of this whole thing - while my boyfriend spends most of his time at my house, he pays rent and has his office with Joe (and two other friends) as a roomate. Angela is moving in at the end of the summer. So the “avoid” thing is more difficult than otherwise.
Aah, the Miss Manners response! Not a bad idea, really. I’ll have to try it. Of course, half the time they’re having a snipefest in the kitchen while everybody else sits in the living room, so you’re really not “in” the conversation but can’t get away from it either. But for when they’re in the room, it’s a thought.
I’ve been reluctant to pull her aside because, while honestly she might not know how obnoxious her tone is, I know that even I and other nice people would get pretty defensive if somebody pulled us aside and said, in the nicest possible way, “Hey, did you know everybody hates you? Seriously. You need to quit doing that.” Even if they were right I’d be furious, just out of a defensive reaction. So I can only imagine the trouble that would cause between the guys with her!
Does anybody have any suggestions for what to do if you’re with somebody with or against your will and, say, playing a game, and they’re all whiny “I’m so bad at this game! It really kinda sucks. It’s too hard!” Waah wah wah wah? I mean, is there a polite way to defuse seriously childlike behavior?
Seriously, call her on it. As already suggested, be nice, but clear.
Also, even if you (and the others) absolutely love the game you are playing, and the childlike one is whining about, try to have a repertoire of games that allows people to play more than one game over the course of an evening. Encourage whiney one to bring a game that she likes, and play it. Not so much instead of the other game but in addition to it.
Offer to teach strategy–of course, this may not work. Especially if she’s just whiney, and not truly bad at the game. Or if luck is a factor–I know a couple of people who hated to lose at a certain game where luck is a major factor, and would get mad and cry way past the age at which such behavior makes sense. And the people in question generally enjoy playig games and are not excessively competitive.
The last time I used humor to cope she stayed in a three hour snit fest after I left and everybody else had to jolly her out of it. She was whining to “Joe” about how she was loooooosing whatever game we were playing, and her most obnoxious yet everpresent whine is “Jooooooeeeeeee!” When I lost a guy I turned to my boyfriend and said “Miiiiiiiiiiiiiike!” and she never said another word for the rest of the game. Seriously!
(Uh, this isn’t a good thing, as of course she requires hours of servitude for any slight.) My boyfriend came home a long time later and said, “You better apologize to Angela.” I hadn’t even noticed she was mad!
To me, this sounds like she is very insecure and seeking attention. If this were all, I’d suggest making the person feel comfortable, making a big deal when she does something right, etc. In conjunction with the whole situation, though, I’m not sure.
I will say that playing games as adults is not something that works for everyone. I personally enjoy it. However, we semi-recently had three other couples over for cards. We played 2 card games no one had ever played before, so it wasn’t exactly cutthroat. One of the wives, who I always found perfectly nice, just could not get over the fact that we were playing semi-competitively, not cooperatively like she had always played with her kids (Oh, look, you can put that on a triple word score over here!). I could tell it wasn’t a transition she really wanted to make.
Getting to the whole situation, maybe take things up the chain to “whose people she is”. Find out what the boyfriend sees in her. Let him know that at least as things stand, as a wife she may well be a dealbreaker. If she needs to feel like Ms. Princess Center of Attention all the time, let him decide if he wants to do that for her or not.
If she wines about games being to hard, you should tell her that no one is forcing her to play. She could just sit it out. Or if she didn’t want to sit out maybe she could “help” Joe. If she wants to act like a seven year old she should be treated like a seven year old.
I personally would just ignore her until she got the hint and stopped talking to me. Don’t be rude, pass the peas is she asks and and answer direct questions, but don’t comment on the things she says or strike up conversation with her. It may take a while, but even the stupidest people get the hint eventually. She will probably start ignoring you in return. It isn’t a mature way to deal with the problem, but I find it to be quite effective with people I am forced to associate with. Sure, they are still there, but at least their annoying comments aren’t directed at you. Sometimes you have to be mean to deal with people, but like you said, she’s not “yours” so who cares if she is pissed off.
If you don’t want to stir up that pot, then I second (third?) the not hanging out with BF and friend if she is around. It might suck, but there really is no polite way to get someone like that to gain tact.
Oh…I think that I would probably have the meanest NASTIEST sort of fun with this type of person. Particularly with “backup”.
There are oh so many subtle ways to mock this sort of person with things that they only much, MUCH later wonder about, but not anything they can put their finger on as “he/she dissed me”.
But then, I’m evil that way. Sorry that probably doesn’t help much (Unless you too are a wee bit evil :)).
Then, you have some options: