What Would the Straight Dope Do? (Dating advice)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Look, I know all of you like nothing more than giving out a bit of dating advice, so here I am, giving you the chance! There’s no need to thank me; a small token of your appreciation will be sufficient. A Bentley, perhaps. Or a jewelled snuff-box.

Here’s the situation: I’ve been going to swing dance classes for a while now, and there’s this girl there, who we shall call Angela to protect the innocent. I certainly didn’t go to dance class in order to find a romantic attachment. I’m hugely enjoying the dancing, and I intend to keep going. However, I met Angela, and I liked her, and she and I have been flirting quite a lot on the dance floor for several weeks; it’s been a lot of fun. Now last week I asked her, nice and casual, if she would care to accompany me to London Zoo’s late opening evening, when they stay open until 10pm on a Friday, and there’s a bar, and a refreshing absence of screaming, grubby little kids.

Unfortunately, she said she had to attend a gallery opening for her sister, and I said “Oh, well, maybe some other time, then”, and when she didn’t suggest an alternative date, I realised this was an equivalent to the hair-washing excuse. So far, so good. No harm, no foul. I asked, politely (I think), and she refused politely. That’s fine. That’s not what I’m asking about. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I’m certainly not upset or uncomfortable about it.

What did happen after that is that she got very flustered and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the evening. Now this is a weekly class, so I’m going to see her next Tuesday. What I’m asking is, should I quietly say something along the lines of “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable”, or should I just behave normally next week? I’m obviously not going to ask her again, but am I better off just letting it go and behaving normally (or as normally as possible after this) or would the apology be appreciated? I don’t want to make things worse, and I suspect that the carefree flirting on the floor is over, but I can deal with that.

So: hit me. Say a quiet something, or just hold my peace?

2

I think you’ll probably get people responding both ways here.

Personally I would just let it go and not bring it up. But someone will come along soon and tell me why I’m wrong probably.

3

If it were me, I would probably just act normally next week. Let her see that you’ve accepted her refusal graciously. That gives her space to kind of relax about it, and maybe after a while things will no longer be awkward.

Sounds to me like you handled it well. :slight_smile:

4

I’d say to let it go and be yourself. I’m guessing it will be easier for everyone involved if she can see that you aren’t going to react oddly to the situation. Be courteous, say hi, and just let it go.

5

By any chance is she 13 years old? Or a married woman, and you asked her out on a date in front of her husband? Possibly her father was mauled to death in a freak zoo accident on the exact anniversary of the date you asked her out on?

If none of the above are the case and she is an ordinary adult woman she has no good reason to be flustered about turning someone down for a date. You shouldn’t apologize for it because you didn’t do anything wrong.

6

I’m not very good at reading women, but her being flustered suggests that she is interested in you and wishes that the earlier conversation had gone better: the gallery opening was not just an excuse. So, don’t apologise for making her uncomfortable, but start a conversation with her next time you see her. “How did your sister’s gallery opening go?” might be a good opening line: if she’s still interested in you, that might lead to talk about going to the Zoo, etc.

7

That’s my impression too.

8

Ha. Back when we’d first started dating, my parents invited Mr. Horseshoe’s parents over for dinner at their house. Other Shoe’s parents declined because a friend of theirs was having a gallery opening for the first time in a decade. My mother has still never forgiven them this slight, having taken it as a hair-washing excuse. (It really wasn’t.) Seriously, Ma: you cook dinner every night. :dubious:

Anyway, it’s *possible *that the girl was flustered because something like the following went through her head:

“Hey, it’s that Dervorin guy! He’s so nice. I have so much fun dancing wi- wha? a date? Um. Umm… oh, shit I can’t that night! I already told me sister “yes” and that bitch still hasn’t forgiven me for trying to flush her Barbie down the toilet when I was six, she’ll friggin’ kill me if I back out now, she’s got that guy coming that she told me about and she’ll get all upset about me “leaving her all alllooooone” and I can’t deal with that drama llama crap she’s been pulling lately and … oh. He looks kinda … upset? Confused? I dunno. Well, I - aw, crap why didn’t I suggest we go out next Thursday instead? I could totally make next Thursday but … oh. He’s already walked away. Should I say something? About next Thursday? No, no, that’ll just make me look desperate for a date. Stay cool, girl. Shit, though. I did really kinda sorta wanna go out with him.”

9

Ditto.

ETA: Plus, occasionally if you are not paying attention, you get stuck on “automatic” mode, where you say no without even thinking about it. “I’m not at dance class for romance, so I’ll ignore it” and then you’re like “But that guy was nice…”

10

Some people get weirded out very easily. What surprises me is the number of women who honestly can’t figure out when a guy likes them. If I’m gay and I’m noticing it, you should be able to.

11

Your story perfectly illustrates the problem with the polite refusal: ambiguity. People are too chickenshit to just say “Sorry I’m not interested” and instead dance around it with silly excuses and hope the other person gives up.

If you really like her then I’d give it another go. Make it a daytime get-together for lunch or tea. That makes it a casual, low-pressure situation. If she tosses out another excuse, time to give up.

12

They say the majority of women don’t consider themselves beautiful. Sometimes it’s hard for us to believe that the hot guy is attracted to us; we’re so used to the losers. :slight_smile:

13

I would wait and see what her demeanor is like next Tuesday night. If she is still acting uncomfortable, I might say something to her. If she’s back to the old Angela, I’d carry on as usual, sort of pretending nothing ever happened but being friendly and polite.

14

This scenario is certainly possible, but is it worth the risk of him making her more uncomfortable in case that isn’t what was going on with her? That’s a genuine question, because I have no idea.

To everyone in the thread: if you had given someone a polite refusal per the OP, would you be upset if the person interpreted the situation per purplehorseshoe’s scenario and then tried again (or asked for clarification)?

15

You did nothing wrong so don’t apologize. If you apologize it will just make it more awkward. From what you said it sounds like you did everything on cue. You asked, you accepted the decline, you let it go. Like Fuzzy Dunlop, if she’s embarrassed that’s her thing, you’d just be pointing out that her embarrassment is showing.

I don’t think she was interested. Even the most shy woman can communicate some enthusiasm when the OP says “maybe another time”. Even if she doesn’t say an actual date, she can at least not give off the vibe that she wants to be left alone, which the OP clearly got from the situation.

16

I read the exact opposite into it, i.e. she’s not interested and now feels uncomfortable around the OP.

YMMV

17

Yeah, from the description, I think it’s more likely She’s Just Not Into You, but I’ve been wrong before.

Either way, I think the ball’s in her court now. She knows you’re interested, if she’s interested, she’s going to have to put on her big girl panties and invite you out. Another invite from you is likely unwise. Depending on her mental state and previous experiences, anywhere along the clueless----stalker continuum. And saying, “I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” never relieved anyone’s embarrassment. It can ONLY increase it.

OTOH, my current SO hit on me again a year after getting shot down, and we’re disgustingly in love now, so what the hell do I know? Sometimes persistence pays off.

I’m afraid this is one of those times when her body language, eye contact and behavior is going to tell you a lot more than anything you can communicate to us on a message board. Trust your instincts. They may fail you utterly, but they will still be more reliable than anything any of us can say.

18

The ball’s in her court. If she really wanted to go out, but choked in the conversation, then it’s on her to show interest now. A simple “would you be interested in coming along?” would have resolved the conflict nicely,and it’s actually hard to believe she wouldn’t have liked to have a date for the opening. (Unless she was part of the set-up crew. . .)

If she seems to be avoiding you, then you’ll know she’s an insecure person (artistic families often produce them) who was uncomfortable saying “no.” That’s neither your fault, nor your problem; let her have her discomfort, she may grow from it.

If however, she does make the effort to show interest, be quietly enthusiastic. Make a suggestion, but leave her in the lead for a bit. What I mean is, make sure that the effort of the next step is hers.

ETA: Ninja’d by WhyNot. Great minds think alike.

19

I can’t tell by the OP’s words alone whether Angela likes him or not. I can’t tell whether the gallery opening was a blow-off or a true prior commitment. Even if I’d been there, signals aren’t always easy to read. But I do know it’d be a shame for Dervorin to miss out on dating this girl IF the only reason was a scheduling conflict.

Dervorin, giving it one more shot won’t make you a creep or a stalker. It’s OK to ask how she enjoyed the gallery, then say something like, “So, maybe I can take you up on that rain check for the Zoo this week? Or, if you’d rather we can just grab a drink sometime…” Her answer to that should tell you loud and clear whether she’s interested.

If you get another No, then it’ll be time to back off. Good luck.

20

With the caveat that I have low tolerance for head games and won’t play them (which may be the reason I’m still single):

I’d let it go. She knows without a doubt that you’re interested now, and whether her response was legit or a hair-washing excuse, the ball’s in her court. You said “maybe some other time,” so she can take you up on that if she wants to. I, personally, wouldn’t waste a lot of energy looking for what she really meant. If she didn’t want me to take the conversation at face value, she could have said exactly what was on her mind, in that event.

And from a girl’s perspective (though I wouldn’t make up a hair-washing excuse, I’d just say “no, thanks”), if I turned you down, and then you came back a week later and brought it up again, I’d think you were bringing it up in an attempt to talk me into changing my mind. I don’t respond well to that; at best, I think it’s extremely rude and disrespectful, at worst, it’s a red flag of stalker/abuser behavior (he doesn’t take “no” for an answer). So, if you DO feel a need to apologize, say “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” and DROP IT.

Overall, I would remain friendly, and behave like I’ve accepted her “no” graciously and it wasn’t a big deal that I did. I probably wouldn’t bring up her excuse (“Hey, how’d that gallery opening go?”) specifically, as it might come across as you calling her out, but a friendly “How was your weekend?” is fine; and then she can respond to that in whatever way she wants. If she wants a different response from you, she can ask you out.