I’d love your input on this, although I admit this is also a cathartic rant of sorts and something of a spinoff from Lizard’s thread.
I met a woman, let’s call her “Angela”, a year and a half ago at an alumni mixer through a mutual friend I knew from undergrad. Angela had recently arrived in the city, having just finished grad school. I intuited that she was interested in me, although she might very well just have been networking. (She’s foreign, and we’ve had our fair share of interpersonal clunkiness due in no small part to our differing cultural scripts.) Regardless, my sights were set elsewhere at the time, so I didn’t keep up ties.
Then, last summer, we ran into each other again and became very friendly, socializing frequently in small groups and chatting regularly on the phone. We eventually went out on a proper date, and although she was initially surprised when I made a move at the evening’s end, she clearly didn’t mind.
On our next date, she mentioned she had once been married before. Between that, and a conversational tangent in which she asked how I perceived her, I realized she was trying to send a message. But I elided the conversation elsewhere in the hopes that I could will it away. I then foolishly assented to joining up with our mutual friend for some dancing. The night quickly soured into an agonizing third wheel nightmare. I wore my game face, but washed my hands of her once she stopped returning my phone calls.
When I ran into Angela at a cocktail party last fall, she seemed very ill at ease around me and left soon after she arrived. Her loss. That same night met the woman who was to become the love of my life.
This January, I got an amusing call from Angela wishing me a happy New Year – basically “hey there, long time, no chat”. We talked briefly, and I made brush-off “let’s get everyone together for dinner sometime” plans. Then a month later, the love of my life broke my heart and left me. And soon I found myself, through re-intersecting social circles, running into Angela quite a bit.
And it was all a very good time – we were talking with more comfort, frankness, and passion than before. And then we began seeing each other – non-romantically – quite frequently each week, for a quick dinner, or movie, or whatnot. I finally asked her, “When we were going out last fall, I got the feeling that you were uncomfortable with something, and I’m curious what that was.”
She laughed about that being a conversation for another night, but yes, she had been meaning to talk to me and time simply slipped by. Since then, we’ve basically been going through the motions of a good friendship with some healthy sexual tension. I’ve also been privy both to anecdotes about guys she has not been interested in who nonetheless pursued her (Danger, Will Robinson!) as well as laments to her girlfriends (with me in the conversation) about how guys are always into them and never her.
Last week, on her otherwise-unobserved birthday, I surprised her with a little present relevant to our recent conversations. Before I left her apartment, amidst much “Kiss her, you fool!” sentiments ringing in my head (no doubt whispered sotto by Gallic crustraceans, whom I promptly ignored), she was fishing for compliments about her looks – which I certainly was not going to provide, even though I find her quite beautiful.
Finally, this past weekend, she had people over to her place for drinks. As night wound into day, only we two remained. I put her to bed, exhausted as she was, and silently agonized over what the hell I was doing there. I finally kissed her, and she kissed back. “Can I call you tomorrow?” I ask.
“Sure,” she mutters, nearly asleep.
“Right, but will you answer the phone this time?”
We laugh, I leave, we talk yesterday and make plans for a drink tonight.
Long story short (too late), here’s my question: I’ve long outgrown those high school days of talking my feelings to death with a woman to whom I’ve got no emotional claim. And indeed, I’ve had good luck in recent years of simply making my move and seeing if it sticks. But since I’ve gotten ample mixed messages from her, how should I make clear that I enjoy her company, find her attractive, hope she feels the same thing, and would like to pursue something more – without any expectations beyond the moment?
Keep us informed.