I was once tasked with a multi-list of things to purchase (for myself and others, a joint shopping trip if you will). I do not recall the entire list, but on the list (and the conveyor belt at the same time, I believe) were the following:
Two large containers of blue gatoraid (one of each hue).
A box of condoms & water based lube.
A roll of duck tape.
Four bags of snack-sized kitkat bars.
A plastic bag of mixed salad.
A box of BIC lighters, Flints and Lighter Oil.
Oh, and Ma’am, please give me two packs of 1 1/2" Zig-Zags.
The cashier, an apparently conservative religious woman of the “you’re going to hell for what you’re doing” kind, was not amused. And that’s only the stuff I remember.
The reason that list looks so guilty, is because it is. What can I say, I enjoyed high school.
Was in a new relationship, and organizing my apartment. Would go to Walmart every Friday and pick up 2 dozen clothing hangers and the econo-box of condoms. Magnum XLs. I only wish I’d have thought to go to the same cashier every time…
Laxatives, a Fleet enema, three 4-packs of toilet paper, and a Playgirl magazine. I can’t remember if I really did that, if I’m conflating two embarrassing trips to the corner store, or if I imagined the whole thing.
This was years and years ago, when I working as a waiter. As I was heading in for a shift, one of the managers called me to ask if I could stop by a supermarket on my way in, and grab a dozen heads of cabbage, since the kitchen was out. No problem.
I was giving a co-worker friend of mine a ride into work, so he was with me when I stopped at the supermarket. He had an item he wanted to pick up as well.
So, there we were in the checkout line with a dozen heads of cabbage and a bottle of suntan lotion. Not THAT strange in and of itself, but I’ll never forget the guy behind us in line eyeing our purchases and saying, “I want to party with you guys!”.
Ever since I worked as a cashier at a drug store in my teenage years, I’ve never been embarrassed to buy tampons, laxatives, condoms, or anything that most people might be embarrassed by, because I learned that the cashiers do not notice or care. I used to check out tons of that stuff every day, and after you’ve rung up your one hundreth enema it loses any giggle factor.
That said, I do still remember the guy who bought flowers, condoms, and tylenol. He wasn’t going to let his lady have any excuses that night!
Once when buying food for a cook-out, my friend put a big family-sized pack of toilet paper on the conveyor with the various munchies, and leaned confidentially toward the cashier and asked, “In your professional opinion, is this the right amount of toilet paper for this much food?”
Comedian Sabrina Matthews had a joke about going to the store and buying just a box of tampons and a tub of ice cream, “…because if you need one of them, you pretty much need the other.”
The joke continued with her refusal to take a bag for the items, instead she just carried them out of the store in her hands, holding them out in front of her.
I once bought an air freshener for myself, clothespins for a school project, and Pampers for a neighbor. Should have searched for a baby t-shirt with “I’m A Little Stinker” skunk on it.
Not that I’m buying tons of enemas or anything (or any enemas at all for that matter), but I have not found this to be true. Checkers are almost uniformly curious about the stuff I buy. I get questions about what I plan to do with the tofu, what the mushrooms taste like, why am I buying so many containers of salt,* etc.
Maybe I just look approachable, or in the know, or something. Yesterday in Wal-Mart an older lady stationed at the fitting rooms asked me if the wedding band went on first, or the engagement ring. [band first, then diamond, FYI]
My husband uses a nasal irrigator frequently for his sinuses. We like to stock up.
I was in line at Walmart the other day behind an elderly woman who had about fifteen bottles of Hydrogen Peroxide. I couldn’t help thinking of “Arsenic and Old Lace”.
[band first, then diamond, FYI]