children's cussing songs

Cafe Society
41

Manwithaplan jogged my memory on this one.

To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

Come and listen to my story
‘bout a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer
Couldn’t keep his wife in bed
Then one day he was shootin’ at some food
And out of hidin’ comes Elly Mae nude
(Nekkid that is)

Well, the next thing you know
Ole Jed’s over there
Pinchin on her tits
And pullin on her hair
Along came Granny with a ten foot pole
And stuck it right up Jed’s tight asshole
(Sideways that is)
You know that is going to be stuck in my head all friggin’ day.

42

Hello Mother
Hello Father
Greetings from camp… marijuana
Coke is good here
Grass is better
I’m to f**ked up now to write this letter

43

I don’t remeber the whole song, but I do remember the end of it:

America, America,
God shed his pity on thee,
We get our kicks,
from porno flicks,
and pray for MTV!

Does anyone know the rest of the song?

44

Oh lord… here goes…

Great big gobs of
greasy grimy gopher guts,
mutilated monkey meat,
all these thing so good to eat,
and me without my spoon…

Me without my spoon…
Me without my spoon…
All these things so good to eat,
and me without my spoon…

not quite a kids song but also to Jingle Bells…

Jingle Bells
Mortar shells…
VC in the grass
take your Merry Christmas
and shove it up your ass…

45

Have you ever thought
As a hearse goes by,
That you may be the next to die?

They wrap you up in a big white sheet
And lower you down about six feet deep.

It’s okay for about a week,
But then the coffin
BEGINS…TO…LEEEEEAK.

The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out,
The worms play pinochle on your snout.

Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out
And that’s what it’s like when you’re dead.

(GOODBYE!)

46

This one we sung to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Oh, I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot
And I wear my woolen skivvies in the winter when it’s not
But sometimes in the spring time and sometimes in the fall
I slip between the sheets with nothing on at all
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?
Refreshing breezes running through ya
With nothing on at all
Another one we sang

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a red rubber band
I shot her with pleasure
I shot her with pride
I couldn’t miss her
She was four miles wide

And finally (to no recognizable tune):

Bang, bang Lulu, Lulu bangs all day
Who will bang for Lulu if Lulu goes away?
Lulu bought a tugboat, tugboat had a bell
Lulu went to heaven, the tugboat went to
Hello, operator. Give me number nine
If you disconnect me, I’ll kick your little
Behind the 'frigerator there is a piece of glass
If you are not careful it might get up your
Assssssk me no more questions tell me no more lies
Boys are in the bathroom pulling up their
Flies are in the kitchen, flies are in the park
Boys and girls are kissing in the D-A-R-K dark, dark, dark

(That last one seemed much funnier when I was 8 years old…)

47

Some people think it’s funny
but it’s really brown & runny…

48

Minor lyric changes:
Comet, it makes your lips turn green
Comet, it tastes like gasoline

I’m assuming there was a real commercial for Comet cleanser that used the Colonel Bogey March (hope I got that right) & this is a spoof of it?

49

My school’s version:

On top of Old Smokey,
all covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher
with an elephant gun.
I shot her with glory,
I shot her with pride,
I couldn’t have missed her,
She’s 40 feet wide.

And for the school “slut”:

Hi Ho, Hi ho,
It’s off to work she goes.
She does a fuck
and gets her buck,
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho.

50

I love this thread!

Here are a few of my favorites:

Jesus Christ!
Superstar!
Who in the fuck do you think you are?

Marijuana, Marijuana
LSD, LSD
Scientists make it.
Teachers take it.
Why can't we? Why can't we?

Rudolph the bright gun cowboy
Had a very shiny gun.
And if you ever saw it, you had better run.
All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him
name.
They never let poor Rudolph join in any cowboy games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say.
Rudolph with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife
tonight?
51

To be sung roughly to the tune of the old Batman TV series theme music –

Batman took me to the movies,
Batman played with my boobies.
Batman took me to his house,
Batman laid me on the couch.
Batman stuck it in easy,
Batman pulled it out greasy.
Batman! Batman! Batman!

Another variation on an old favorite –

Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts
Little dirty birdy feet
Mutilated monkey meat!
French-fried eyeballs dipped in kerosene,
That’s what we had for lunch!
(Without a spoon.)

To the tune of God Bless America –

God bless my underwear,
My only pair!
I have worn them, and torn them,
On the seat of the old rocking chair.
From the washer, to the dryer, to the clothes line,
Where they hang!
God bless my underwear, my only pair!
God bless my underwear, my owwwwn-leeee pair!

No cuss words, but clever nonetheless –

As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day
I came upon a billboard, and much to my dismay
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before.
The wind and rain had done its work and this is what it bore:

Smoooooke Cola-Cola cigarettes,
Chew Wrigley Spearmint beer.
Kennel-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear.
Simonize your baby in a Hershey chocolate bar.
And Pepsi Cola beauty cream is used by all the stars.

Sooooo take your next vacation
In a brand-new Frigidaire.
Learn to play the piano
In your winter underwear.
Doctors say that babies
Should smoke until they’re 3.
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea
(In flo-thu baaaaags!)

52

The version I knew was a bit different…

Randolph, the red-necked cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever seen it
You would drop your pants and run
All of the other cowboys
Uset to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Randolph
Play in any rodeo games
Then one foggy Saturday night
Sherrif came to say
Randolph with your gun so bright
Won’t you shoot my wife tonight?

53

Well, when I was in grade school this one was very popular…

“There once was a farmer who lived near a crick,
And every night he would play with his…
Banjo in the moonlight for the lady next door,
You could tell just by looking that she was a…
Decent young lady who rolled in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could see her big…
Legs in the moonlight – she walked like a duck,
She promised to teach him a new way to…
Raise up the children, the girls could all knit,
The boys were all outside, shoveling…
Corn and potaters, they did it quite well,
If you don’t like my story you can go straight to…bed!”

Oh, and our version of the marijuana song went thus…

“Marijuana, marijuana,
LSD, LSD,
Betty Crocker makes it,
Ronald Reagan takes it,
Why can’t we? Why can’t we?”

There were several variants of the Old Smokey song:

“On top of the school,
All covered with sand,
I shot my poor teacher
With a green rubber band…”

and

“On top of the school,
All covered with blood,
I shot my poor teacher
With a gallon of mud…”

and then there was the very strange

“On top of the school,
All covered with poop,
I shot my poor teacher
With a blue Hula Hoop…”

But they all had the same ending…

“I went to her funeral,
But she still wasn’t dead,
So I took my bazooka,
And blew off her head!”

54

This song was recorded by Homer & Jethro, I have an MP3 of it.

55

This was a definite put-down…

You god-damned mother fucking two-balled bitch,
Your momma’s in the kitchen cooking Red-Eyed Shit,
Your Poppa’s in jail, waiting for bail,
your sister’s on the corner yelling “Pussy for Sale!!!”

56

I just remembered one we sung to the tune of ‘Yesterday’ by the Beatles.

Syphillis, It started out with such a simple kiss
Now it even hurts to take a piss
Oh, why did I, catch Syphillis?

Leprousy, I’m not half the man I used to be.
All my skin is falling off of me,
Oh why did I catch Leprousy?

Yesterday, my dick was always coming out to play
Now it needs two weeks to hide away
oh why did I catch leprousy?

Why, her, box was sick, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say
Now my, dripping dick won’t get thick like yesterday.

And the words Perry Como wouldn’t sing.
Nothing could be finah, than to be in her vagina,
In the Mooo-oooor-ning.

Nothing could be sweeter, than to have her lick your peter
In the Mooo-oooor-ning.
And I thought this board was going to be “Stuffy”.

57

My son Josh is sitting here and won’t leave me alone until I post this! (He’s twelve.)

Gene, Gene,built a machine
Joe, Joe, made it go
Art, Art, took a fart
And blew the whole damn thing apart!

And I learned “great Green Gobs” like this…

Great green gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher guts
Mushed up monkey ribs,
Sterilized canary feet
French fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood
And me, without my spoon!

I was a Brownie, and we used to love singing “Baby Bumble Bee”

I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee
won’t my mommy be so proud of me
I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee
Ooh, eee! It bit me!

I’m squishing up a baby bumble bee
Won’t my mommy be so 'shamed of me
I’m squishing up a baby bumble bee
Ooh, eee! There’s blood on me!

I’m licking up a baby bumble bee
Won’t my mommy be so proud of me
I’m licking up a baby bumble bee
Ooh, eee! I’t’s strawberry!

::):

58

Ahem…

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I’m going down the garden to eat worms.
Fat ones, thin ones, long ones, juicy ones,
Oooey oooey gooey oooey worms.
Suck their guts out, blow their skins away,
Nobody knows how I survive
On worms three times a day.

59

NO, no! It goes like this!

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Going to the garden to
Eat some worrrms!
Long slim slimy ones
Short fat juicy ones
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy worms!

First you bite the heads off
Then you suck the guts out
Then you throw the rest of it
Awaaaaaay!
Long slim slimy ones
Short fat juicy ones
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy worms!

Urp! comes the first one
Hork! comes the second one
Blech! comes the third fuzzy woooorm!
Long slim slimy ones
Short, fat, juicy ones
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy WORMS!

:smiley:

60

Okay, well I heard it this way:

You better watch out when the hearse goes by
Cause you may be the next to die

They wrap you up in a bloody sheet
And stick you down about 6 feet deep

Then all goes well for about a week
And then your nose begins to leak

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out
They start to play pinochle on your snout

Your body turns a slimy green
Your guts roll out like whipping cream

Pleaaaaase pass the gravy!

Quasi