(I had been thinking of starting this thread. Zyada and I sometimes look at the movie listings and do the same thing.)
Ghost Rider:
12 Rounds: Yet another boxing movie.
His Girl Friday: A man bets his friend that he can get a date every day this week.
Raging Bull: Ferdinand has a bad day.
Snakes on a Plane–Watch snakes go up and down an inclined plane!
SPEED: Educational film on methamphetamines.
MONSTERS INC: The theater needs more letters for the marquee, and one moved in a windstorm - it’s really a saga of a plumbing fixture that devours people and terrorizes the city.
I think that should be called Hannibal Descending
Apollo 13-Yet another sequel to the Rocky movies.
I would think that would be more of a prequel.
Apollo [his voice cracking]: One day, dad, I’m gonna be the champ! The champ, dad!
Mutiny on the Bounty–I’m going green and using cloth towels for spills.
In Which We Serve – educational film for waitstaff
Saving Private Ryan – Private Ryan finds Jesus
Vertigo– Documentary on dizziness and its treatment
Goldeneye, The Man With The Golden Gun–King Midas (see Goldfinger upthread) explores other parts of his body
Man on Fire : Documentary of the Effigy business.
Others:
Memento: Two young people fall in love, and have a one night stand. All that remains is the Do not Disturb door knob sign the female stole from the hotel.
V For Vendetta : Sesames Street stops playing nice, and gets real.
Rounders: A Documentary on soon to be sacked IRS Tax Professionals.
Idiocracy : The Life and Times of humans living in 2005.
:eek: what?
Harold and Maude - Bea Arthur and John Cho in a madcap road trip to find an abortion clinic.
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice–In a Very Special Episode, Mrs. Brady & her housekeeper meet with the two Kennedy Senators.
My Left Foot – a wino misplaces a prosthetic limb
A Farewell to Arms – a team of amputees throw their prosthetics at startled passersby
My Fair Lady – a woman midway barker decides to enter a social club
Niagara Falls – a poorly named horse stumbles in a big race
Never Give A Sucker an Even Break – a candy shop proprietor teaches a young clerk how to separate lollipops
Miracle on 34th Street–The 1986 Mets visit New York City.
It’s A Wonderful Life–Story of the magazine.
A Christmas Carol–How Silent Night was written.
Miracle on 34th Street–Half of the story of the 1986 Mets, as told by a dyslexic.
Mad Max – A study of insanity in a young man
Raising Arizona – An engineering project to prevent flooding in the event of global warming
Dial M for Murder – Alphabet instruction for kids
Signs – Things to learn before your driving test
The Crucible- an outdoor cooking show
Slumdog Millionaire- a dying millionaire bequeathes his entire estate to his Pekingese, provided the dog can survive 30 days in the Mumbai slums.
Tyler Perry’s The Family that Preys- a 6’6 foot tall old woman leads a clan of cliche spouting cannibals.
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married?- closeted gay men meet to discuss their life choices.
Milk- a moving biopic about the first openly lactose intolerant politician
Night at the Museum- Elie Wiesel has flashbacks while touring the National Holocaust Museum.
Mamma Mia- animated Pixar flick about the adventures of a spicy meatball.
The Reader- about the friendship between the world’s worst selling novelist and his one fan.
Mamma Mia–Tales of Ms. Farrow.
Johnny Ringo–Mr. Starr’s documentary on bathrooms.
Why do I get a Conan O Brian style “If They Mated” thing going on for this?
I need a cold shower. And I would abort the baby too.
Octopussy- Nadeya Suleyman makes her porn debut
Old Yeller- Clint Eastwood as a gruff septugenarian who develops Tourettes
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?- documentary about the first known case of necrotizing fasciitis
My Own Private Idaho: Tale of mass murderer who manages to annihilate the entire population of the Gem State – because he just vanted to be alone.
Mississippi Masala: Aunt Sisaphene passes away in the early 60s, in the middle of giving the secret ingredients to Bible-Belt-famous spice rub. This coming of age story follows young Minnie Lou Choudhury on her quest to discover the rest of the ingredients, only to discover they were a combination of Adobo and Sylvia’s Soul Seasoning. But she does fall in love with a gorgeous man named Denzel and becomes the first Black-Indian admitted to Ole Miss.
Planet of the Apes
A thrilling and cautionary tale of when genetic manipulation, greed, and bad business models collide in a perfect storm of unintended consequences. Three astronuats retire to California. With little to do with all that free time, they soon discover a place to hang out. This exciting new location is the brainchild of billionaire Flexible Digit (who looks like a cross between Burl Ives, Wilford Brimly, and Colonel Sanders).
Planet of the Apes combines the aspects of a strip club, Studio 54, Bush Garden’s Safari Land, Planet Hollywood, and Hooters. At first businees is great because the burgers and hot wings are to die for. The undercurrent of drugs also keeps the customers coming. All the pop culture nicknacks add a nice ambiance. The well endowed waitresses are okay. However, the various primates swinging from the poles aren’t going over so hot. They just aren’t attracting the mommies and kiddies and grandma’s like Flexible Digit had planned. The occasional poo flinging isnt helping any either.
Our main hero astronaut, Ima Notta Neanderthal (well played by Charton Heston) eventually develops a raging hatred for the place. This is because one of his astronaut buddies just disappears while “checking out the primates in the back room”. Ima suspects foul play but can prove nothing. His other best bud ends up a vegetable after a shooting in the bathroom during a drug deal gone bad.
Ima is on the case! He gets a job as a health food inspector. This allows him to keep a close eye on the Planet now. The extra income helps because, you know, the cost of living out there is astronomical. All the time as an astronaut hanging out with fast and expensive women and cars didn’t help with the retirement funding either.
Meanwhile, Flexible Digit is in a bind. The primates are really hurting the business’s bottom line. Those damn things were expensive to get and continue to cost a fortune to maintain as well. And in this economy he can’t even pay someone to take em. The undercurrent of drugs also takes a turn for the worse. Now, the waitresses are getting into the drug habit. They are late for work, they get the orders all screwed up, and their meth mouths really kill any positive impact ample mammalaries may have. Its the last straw for Digit when a well aimed piece of fecal matter ruins a priceless pure white Elvis leisure suit. And it wasnt thrown by a primate (what a twist!).
But Digit has a plan. He calls upon his vast knowledge of genetic engineering, where he made his original fortune. He will mix the DNA of the waitresses into the primates. The primates can quit swinging from the poles and usefully serve customers instead. The Disney Land crowd will love it. Maybe even dress them up in cute outfits. He can also dump those skeevy servers and save a fortune on payroll. Its a win win win!
But, of course, the science goes horribly wrong. The first model is a disaster. The human/primate DNA just doesnt mix well on the first go around . A gorrilla with the face of Angelia Jolie and the breastestesss of Dolly Parton isnt improving anyones appetite. That it is a male gorilla hung like Rod Jeremy was also a serious oversight. The revealing “stripper style” tuxedo doesnt really take the edge off either. The only upside is that barf bag and breath mint sales in the restroom are through the roof.
Digit is desperate. Business is tanking, Ima is on him like a hawk, and he got rid of all the wait staff. He has one last hope. He hires his neer do well stepson, Itsa Newman to help. He directs him to post haste try other DNA mixes while he runs out to his old research pal Marlin Boono’s research lab out in South Park, Colorado to dump the Jollie Parton Gorilla.
Upon his return, Digit finds out Itsa has mixed the DNA of the bouncer with a chimp. Not the best idea, as the bouncer is as dumb as rocks, has delusions of granduer, and just plain doesnt like humans of any stripe. However, given that the bouncer looks like a primate anyway, the chimp still looks normal and is marginally more capable of waiting tables. It will have to do! So full scale implementation commences.
Meanwhile Ima is watching this whole thing develop. He is sure that some health code or labor law is being violated but he can’t quite take Digit down. He bides his time for now. The staff is now all bouncer primate hybrids. Very quickly more problems develop. The staff aquires a taste for meat due to the enticing aroma of the orginal recipe chicken as well as the spicy buffalo wings. Because they are primates, the human customers treat the staff very poorly. They also often don’t tip, and even the ones that do only do 10, 15 percent tops. The oufits, tight and made of wool, are chaffing in all the wrong places. And finally, the staff keeps asking “would you like flies with that”, again driving away the customer base.
At wits end, Digit calls in a consultant, Thisa Isa Badaidea (played by Jeff Goldbloom). Thisa immediately recoginizes the impending disaster. He starts spouting off gibberish about mother nature, chaos theory, humans as food (taste like chicken ya know), and proper police procedures. Digit is looking for help, not criticism, so he sends Thisa packing. While in a bathroom stall, Thisa calls his agent on the phone, telling him to “quit monkeying around and get me a flight out of here”. Unknown to him, several very cranky members of the waitstaff are also in there on a smoke break. Thus the violent, bloody, and murderous revolution begins…
Digit is distracted by all the commotion in the back and leaves his supervisory roll of the waitstaff in the front. As Ima is being served, one of primates touches his food. Ima can finally strike! He leaps up flashing his badge, spouting health numbers, and loudly proclaiming that “he will finally damn this place to hell!”
At this point the bouncer DNA of the waitstaff kicks in and one grabs Ima by the shoulder to escort him out of the Planet, at which point Hollywoods most famous line is uttered and the drama really begins…