Of course. Doesn’t everybody?
I’m not hip to that jive.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Wow. You really know how to roll out the ol’ welcome mat…
If you wish to die then come on over. I have a couch covered in cat fur.
Nine cats = death or you wish you were.
I have dog beds you could sleep on but they might give you an issue with those but I can say you are safer with them than the cats.
Now we need a woman to ask this same question, and compare replies…
So how 'bout it? 
At last, I am funny too. Let me go tell my wife…
Dear I’m finally funny, so we need to celebrate. Where is the scotch?
Sure, if you fix my car.
You can either take one of the couches in the living room (note: the cat will sleep on you), or clean off the futon in the extra bedroom.
And you need to play in my next Mafia game.
No.
But I’ll let you sleep in the shed if you promise to be gone by sunup.
All right, you can stay for a couple weeks, just until you get back on your feet. But I will expect you to put out, just so you know.
Tagline for the upcoming film, “Field of Nightmares.”
Sure, drop on by. I got a spare bedroom. You OK with parrots?
Why not? Houseguests are fun, dude!
Breakfast’s at 10, cleared by noon or so. Bloody Marys are on til 3pm if you want them.
You’re on your own for lunch or we can all go out somewhere. There’s some nice restaurants around here. None of that hipster city vibe, no, sir!
Drinks before dinner can start whenever we all get back from lunch, with snacks!
Dinner is whenever, probably between 8pm and 10pm.
Lots of talking at dinner and after, and the first night we all have to trade scary ghost stories.
The other nights you’re here we can go do karaoke with my buddies or go hang out at the neighborhood bar across the street from me. They have good food and are frequented by a lot of old people who are characters and it’s pretty cool.
Crash whenever. I usually go to bed pretty late.
There’s CDs to listen to, lots of different kinds of music, but no fancy sound system. The television works, sort of, but I only really get one station. No DVD player or video games or Xboxes or Wiis; it’s pretty basic around here. Maybe we can go to dinner or a cookout at my friend Maria’s house, there’s always something going on there.
Daytimes you’re on your own or we can go shopping or maybe to a museum.
Just call and let me know when to expect you. 
No smoking, no drugs, and no lushes.
There’s no inside pets but the couch isn’t something I’d want to sleep on too many times, just too uncomfortable.
You’re clear for a week, but longer than that and you’re expected to contribute expenses and/or chores.
We’ll leave the light on for ya!
It’s April. How are you at spring cleaning?
Oh, and are you a good mouser?
Amateur! If you want to be anything other than a wannabe Hippie you have to learn Greek and the names of major universities, and their dorms.
…
The Irish cousin is coming in a couple weeks to stay for the summer. After that, I might see if I can gouge some republicans for a weeks stay in the musty basement. But hey, it has a king sized bed, a jacuzzi tub, it’s own bathroom, the beer fridge, and a sump pump that goes off all hours of the day and night. What’s not to like?
The couch is currently taken, but I have a lovely little room that can be reached through the upstairs linen closet. We call it the bat room. There’s also, disturbingly, a few abused Barbie dolls left from the previous owners.
You won’t mind, will you?
Man! Your old lady’s gonna break a foot off in your ass! You better be watchin’ them kids too. You remember the shit you got into when you was a kid? Same shit,different day.
Sleepin’ on the couch my ass!
Sure, get your arse over here.
Ignore the goat, he’s just being friendly
Will you wear footie pajamas?