I absolutely picked up on the control thing and was going to quote the same things. I was also going to bring up the fact that he pre-ordered two ducks for the dinner. Being that it’s not 1950 nor is the OP her parent (who is very familiar with her eating habits), it’s unkosher to pre-order a meal for the simple reason that she might not like duck.
Need a light for that, doctor?
Another “make you feel better” story:
I had a date where the guy pulled this on me. Only he didn’t call me ahead of time to ask, he waited until I got there and introduced me. And his “friends” that he brought along were his girlfriend :eek: and a guy named Nick. It didn’t take a neurosurgeon to realize that Nick was my “real date.” Nick was really quiet, and when he did talk, he talked about Ayn Rand. To be fair, I think he was pretty disappointed when he saw me, too.
I’ll explain, then.
Our head chef was working his last night, and making his signature “go-all-out” dish that requires three days of prep. It’s an absolute pain in the ass to make and one of the most delicious things I have ever had the privilege of putting in my mouth. Part of the entire point of the date was getting in there, seeing my friend leave and eating a good meal. She knew (well, should have known. I think I was pretty clear) that there would be duck. I wouldn’t order for anyone one else under ordinary circumstances, but I thought that I was pretty clear that this dish was a big reason I would be going out.
How many times do I have to explain this? Dropping everything for a girl signals that you are desperate. This is a bad thing when you are getting to know someone you are interested in. So while I don’t think I’m going to try pursuing her further, I’m not going to be burning any bridges, either.
I study psychology. I’m two classes away from my degree, read about it in my free time, and use what I’ve learned from it to understand the world around me. Much like a guy who just likes Family Guy a little too much and finds a way to quote it regardless of the situation, I can’t help that I phrase things in a way that makes sense from within that context. Internal and external locuses of control are hugely relevant concepts and that word has been worked into my everyday vocabulary. If you think it signals something about my personality, we’ll keep puffing that cigar.
Like anyone else, I’ve got my own issues. I won’t pretend that I’m perfectly healthy in every way. If you really want to play amateur psychologist, read this article and assume about 90% of the things in there apply to me. That will give you a considerably better idea.
I couldn’t agree more. If there’s to be any future exploration it must be her initiative. If she’s truely interested she will make the next move. If she’s really confused about why you declined to accomodate her friend you should explain it very matter of factly. If she doesn’t pursue it, then you can assume she had no serious interest in the first place and you made the right choice.
ForumBot, the link to the NYT article does make sense of what happened and it also explained why you don’t have a sense of contol.
The problem was created when she asked you if it was okay to bring a friend. You can’t fault her for asking. We don’t know how much she understood about the arrangements you had made. (I’ve noticed two or three times in this thread that you’ve left out information that would help us to understand the situation better. Maybe you did that when you asked the young woman out.)
At any rate, she asked you if it would be okay to bring a friend.
Since you have studied psychology and you really do seem to have a grasp on the world around you, what is the most reasonable path to take at this juncture?
If you want to feel in control of yourself, you have to get rid of that damned chameleon that always wants to make a good impression and say the right thing. It’s just easier to be honest in a pleasant way. That will keep you out of more jams than you can ever imagine.
“I’m sorry. Not this time. I have special dinner reservations for two that can’t be changed.”
If you choose to, you can add: “Would she like to meet us for coffee and dessert later?”
Just get into the habit of being honest in the nicest way and you will not only feel in contol, you will enjoy “turning loose” and being spontaneous more since you always have the real you to fall back on.
I hope this makes sense to you.
By the way, don’t women ever go dutch anymore? Or take the guys out? What’s wrong with this picture? I am ashamed!
Thanks.
Sometimes it just isn’t worth the effort and I take my own damn self on a date. Every six months or so, I cook myself a wonderful meal, have a couple glasses of wine and watch a sappy movie. Sometimes I put out, even. Those are usually the most enjoyable dates.
Agreed. If I asked someone out and plans were made to have dinner for an entire week, then at the last minute the girl asks if she can bring someone else, I’d say that’s a clear message that she’s having 2nd thoughts about the date, or she is very insecure, or just uncomfortable with the situation somehow, which I would say is a sign of immaturity. Very big turn off for me, personally. I say **** it. I would rather look like the asshole than the pushover. I’d probably have said “I was thinking it would just be the 2 of us, but if you made plans with a friend a while back, go hang out with her. If you want to hook up another time, give me a call.”
Then simply forget she exists.
I try to avoid these situations by making it fairly obvious that i’m interested in her and that I’d like a date with her. I don’t know how you phrased it when you asked her out, but I always say the same thing for a first date. “I was wondering if you’d let me take you out for dinner, whaddya think?”
That way, the ball is in her court, if she gives you an awkward no, then she’s the one feeling awkward, and you can just walk away and move on. If she says yes with a comfortable smile, you know she’s interested. If it’s an awkward sounding yes, then you should expect her to cancel or pull some crap like “Can I bring a friend?”.
The thing I like most about asking her this way is that I don’t feel “rejected” if she says no for some reason. It’s sort of a “casual”, “smooth” way of asking someone out on a true “date”. And there’s no mistaking it.
Fair enough. I thought she honestly didn’t know it was dinner and thought that you were going to a party, so I don’t understand how it could have been clear that you were going to pre-order an entree. I must have the time line confused.
That being said, maybe your learning from all this is to be more clear from the beginning so that there’s misunderstanding.
“Would you like to go on a dinner date on Saturday night?”
I had no idea there was a communication problem. I was saying my things, getting back responses that seemed appropriate, and everything was fine until we were actually supposed to go. It’s like when someone is looking at you and says “turn left”, and you turn left, and they say, “sorry, I meant my left.”
shrug. I can kind of see how she might have thought it was some sort of going away party for the chef, if she wasn’t quite paying attention to what you were saying.
Bummer that it didn’t work out the way you planned though.
Just be careful. Sometimes you wake up with a roofie hangover and no memory of what you did to yourself. You could try calling the cops, but they’d never help you unless you’re willing to testify against yourself, and your lawyer won’t allow it.
Oh please…
Women are not stupid. If she wanted it to be a date she would consider it a date. You don’t have to bend over backwards clarifying things and being extra careful to communicate.
She didn’t want to date him. It’s that simple. Forumbot did the right thing eventually but should have been firm with her when she tried to bring a friend. As someone said, tell her that if she had plans with her friend then go do it and call when she wants to get together. Then throw her number away.
People make this so hard…either she really wants to date you or she doesn’t. If she really wants to date you, she will act like it. If she doesn’t act like it, she doesn’t really want to date you.
Yes, she may be ambivalent…but screw that. If she’s ambivalent, throw her to the curb fast. Heck, by doing that, half the time (from my past) they then act better (I guess because you are acting confident and not taking their crap so they have more interest)
I don’t see a problem with ForumBot saying he wanted some control of the situation back (to paraphrase). He asked a girl out for dinner, she said yes, then she went all flaky - I’d want to wrest some control of that situation back, too. Would we even be discussing this if it was a woman saying she wanted some sense of control back in a dating situation? Nobody wants to feel like they have no say in things in dating situations.