Yeah, “Mystery Men” wasn’t that great of a movie. But I liked the idea of the lower-rung superheroes that nobody really notices (The Bowler, Mr. Furious, etc.)
Thought our minds, sharply honed on the mundane and pointless, could take this and run with it.
Superhero: Middle Managment Man Powers/Abilities: backhanded compliments; creates incomprehensible plans of action (to confuse the enemy should they get their hands on the plans); can bend reality to his will (“I want high-quality, full-color, glossy paper pamphlets for our product but I don’t want to pay a printer!”) Secret Power: The One-on-One Meeting. Careful word selection when using this power will convince the enemy to stay contentedly where he is on the assumption that advancement and money are in store for him.
Able to chainsaw through a Buick.
Can hedge clip an attacker unconscience from 40 paces.
Drives a power tiller.
Can shoot either water soluble fertilizer, or insecticide 60 feet from a back pack sprayer.
Uses a weed eater to shave.
** Super-secret power, used only on very rare occasions against the super-bad guys:**
Secret powers: The ability to bore an enemy into submission by talking about random and pointless facts, such as the origin of the phrase red herring and “did you know that Coke was originally green?”
Type at the speed of light
Teach men to run various office machines
Find missing paperwork lying on someone’s desk
Able to leap tall cooling towers in a single bound or climb 2,000 ladder steps in three days
Tell men to do it themselves with a sweet smile
Can add chemicals as needed to water boilers
Super Secret Powers
I can push the button that will send the eastern part of the US into a diaster zone with one stroke
Superheroine (I have to be PC about it): Crafty Girl aka Lady Toreador
Powers/Abilities: -Can whip up something pretty using minimal supplies and instructions.
-Recycles all sorts of things that people think would never some in handy. (like used tinfoil and thread)
-Can make almost anything pretty… possibly even the ugliest outlaws.
Secret Power: Infinite patience (Who else can sit for hours on end doing nothing but little repetitive stitches by hand that would drive anyone else mad and have them demanding a sewing machine? AND still not freak out when she has realized she misread the instructions and placed stitches where they don’t belong having to tear them out and redo again.)
By day, he is mild-mannered Dr. J, but at night, he is…
Medical Student Man!
Powers/Abilities: Able to sit on his ass for hours on end studying reams of detailed medical knowledge! Able to endure lengthy multiple choice tests over said material! Able to drink incredibly large quantities of beer thereafter!
Super Secret Power: He can discuss all manner of medical trivia, without being able to put any of it to use!
Look, over there, on Aisle 6 (Feminine products/Teas & Coffee), it’s …
Grocery Man! And his sidekick, Bag Boy!
Grocery Man! He can zip up and down the aisles for a price check before you can slide your credit card! He knows all the produce codes from kumquats to bok choy! (And the difference between Chinese, Japanese, and Italian eggplants) At night, he can zip around the lot and round up those shopping carts like a prairie cowboy!
And don’t forget Bag Boy! He’ll pack all your groceries in (eggs on top, cans on the bottom) before you can say “Paper or plastic!” He’ll stick your receipt and a candy bar right on top of the bag while Grocery Man zooms in to ask, “Would you like some help carrying that out?”
His costume – A paper bag over his head, of course. (Bag boy could wear a smaller bag, or maybe a plastic one.)
POWERS Produces noxious gas upon awakening each day thereby providing himself with much-needed relief, AT THE SAME TIME prevents said noxious gas from escaping from beneath the bedsheets thus sparing his loving mate from certain doom. Washes dishes occasionally, too.
You can scream in the key of E-flat, how do you sing more than one note at a time. Or does you scream change pitch and alternate notes in E-flat major. Just curious.
Having sworn a mighty oath to only use his powers for good, SysAdmin Man can:
Knock an evildoer unconcious from 30 paces with his Ninja Throwing Pager! Protect himself from all manner of projectile weapons with his O’Reilly Book Shield! Daringly RTFM!
Special Super-Dangerous Power Only To Be Used In Dire Need:
Powers/Abilities: Charming laugh, ear-to-ear smile, ability to turn bright red. Uses his deft wit to disarm and confuse his opponents by beating them to their snappy insults, thus depriving them of the joy of slamming him with deliterious remarks, with the added benefit of frustrating them by making them insult him and agree with him or disagree with him and therefore compliment him.
(I’m not adding anything right now, but I want all these not-so-superhero types here to know that I haven’t laughed so hard at something so silly in quite some time. Especially Bag Boy and his paper or plastic mask.)
