Dating me is fun. You get a _____ and a _____.

Entry by wires into a downscale restaurant and a variety of Spam dishes.

A Spam factory tour and a pair of ice skates

Too much spam in my mailbox and a new office chair that STILL hasn’t been sent.

Noisy Vikings and a harried waitress.

A set of miniature action heroes carved out of cabbage and a bad painting

A half-eaten jar of pickled herring and a chess set carved from extra-firm tofu.

A hundredweight of dung and a not-quite-dead-yet Native American

A martini and a pooper scooper

A home A1c test and a full bath tub.

A misshapen M&M and a life-size wax sculpture of Rose Mary Woods

A VRBO and a LEO

Someone who mistakenly believes that VRBO = Viscerally Repellant Body Odor, and a vending machine

A bottle of nail hardener with green tea and a blue multivitamin.

A LION TAMER hat and a career-counseling session.

A weak excuse and a jar of olives

A noisy computer fan and a map of the Anacostia River.

A nudge and a wink-wink

A sword dancer and a Juno Probe.

A pint of ale and an importunate stranger in the pub

Aaaarrrrrhhh, a bilge-sucking scurvy dog and three sheets to the wind.