Dating me is fun. You get a _____ and a _____.

A Spaghetti Monster t-shirt and a caress from a noodly appendage

An absentee ballot application and 4 egg rolls

A Grease stain for prez and a write in candidate

A glorious pile of leaves to jump in and a rake.

Three tubes of Pringles and a drive-by shooting.

A slasher film and your own bag of wine

a hangover and a subscription to Netflix

A spare keyboard and an empty water bottle.

A giant wooden rabbit and a flying cow.

A giant chartreuse stuffed rabbit and the web of a giant spider.

a candle that smells wonderful and hair loss

A rickety bicycle and a crush-proof lunch.

A crush-proof bicycle and a rickety lunch.

Mixed signals and a damp spongecake

A dry houseplant and a leaking watering can.

A solicitation from Publishers’ Clearinghouse and a manic gas station attendant

A bar of tea tree oil soap and a pot of shrimp soup.

A paper cut and a surprisingly active turtle

A kitty on her 14th birthday and a new coffee carafe.

a disturbing display of co-dependency and a frantic marriage proposal