Dating me is fun. You get a _____ and a _____.

A new insurance ID card and a can of grapefruit sparkling water.

A surly opera singer who won’t budge from your bedroom and a coin from a country you don’t recognize

A surprising fact about an old high school friend and a head bump from an unknown cat.

A singing policeman and the M-4 motorway.

A basset hound and a large spoon.

A forgotten memory and a set of silver baby utensils.

A pickle and a dog toy

Sauerkraut and a sex toy.

A bowl of kimchi and a boy toy.

A bowl haircut and a wax replica of the Beatle of your choice, circa 1964

A huge coffee mug and a pair of well-worn tap shoes.

A poorly manufactured wig and a tacky ashtray

An empty wine flask and an invitation to dinner with Vera Wang.

Some badly-applied bronzer and a long red necktie.

A box of AAA batteries and a set of ill-fitting dentures.

A grubby bottle of stain remover and a book of corny jokes

A very old tortoise and a Rockem Sockem Robots game.

A bloody word written on the wall and an expatriate Mormon.

An unemployed performance artist and a chipped mug

A German shepherd and a German Shepherd.