Hey, this is from a guy who was in your guy’s shoes in the not-so-distant past. See this thread for a background.
I don’t know the dude, and I won’t pretend to. But I will tell you what was going through my noggin when I was in his shoes.
I had a really good friend who I wanted more from. I had a little bit of suspected she wanted the same, but wasn’t 100% sure. We cuddled during movies and kept each other company as the last single folks out of our group of friends. I invested a lot of time into this “relationship” to have it not really go anywhere outside of a few drunken make out sessions. I tried to drop hints that I liked her, but never felt like they were reciprocated with the exception of every once in a while when she’d drop one out of nowhere and I’d retreat, not knowing how to handle the situation. I’m sure to her, it looked like I wasn’t interested. In fact, we just never got on the same page at the same time in a way to drop hints that were handled correctly. Make sense? Sorta?
As for him not calling, I wouldn’t read “he doesn’t like me” into that. Maybe in his mind, he’s dropped hints that he likes you and doesn’t feel like you reciprocated, so he’s pulling away a bit. That’s what I did. Even now, the girl I was chasing has been my wonderful, awesome girlfriend for 7 months now and I love the shit outta her, but I still don’t necessarily call when I say. I don’t know why… I love talking to her and don’t purposely try to avoid her, but sometimes I just forget. Sometimes my phone is about to die and I don’t want to end the conversation with a dead battery instead of a goodbye. Sometimes I’m out in a loud bar and don’t want to have a conversation where every other sentence is “what did you say?”.
In retrospect, I wish one of us would have had the balls to just say “listen, I like you and don’t want to play these games and drop these hints anymore.” I’d suggest that’s what you do instead of guessing. It’s driving you a little nuts, and honestly, its probably driving him nuts too.
My opinion? It sounds like things are getting bogged down in these details and the main point is being lost. Don’t wait for him to call about a movie for the weekend. Make some plans yourself. Go to the show on Friday without him. Have a good time, and think about something interesting you might want to do with him this weekend in case he calls. Make it fun and different. Shake things up a bit and take the initiative. He did agree to go out with you in the past, so there must be some interest there. Are you interested in HIM? That’s what’s important right now.
You can’t control what he does or what he might or might not feel, but you do have control over how well you embrace opportunities. By worrying about being pushy you might be closing yourself off to spontaneity and a natural give/take that’s really crucial in the beginning stages. One of you has got to open yourself up to possible rejection or this probably won’t go anywhere. I’ve always thought that it’s better to take a risk early than to draw it out and have it become a bit of a power struggle. It might be even harder now that he’s cancelled once and some of the glow has worn off but this is probably the best chance you have for capturing his attention and turning things around.
I hate dating as well, so maybe I’m not the best person to give advice but I do wish you luck
I’m not going to go to this show tomorrow night unless someone goes with me-- I’m not one for hitting the bar alone, I’m sure you understand. I will try to find a friend to go with me, and if he calls, I’ll ask him to go. I have no idea if he’s really going to call or not, but is the consensus that I should back off and not call him, let him call if he wants or not? Or would it be more appropriate to call him, since my friend also knows him and he’s invited too?
This is where I get bogged down in the details. If it were just some random friend, I’d call, because I’m not worried that my friends are going to think I’m overly pursuing them. However, with someone in a pseudo-romantic situation, I don’t want to be putting the proverbial choke-chain on by calling all the time.
Yes, this lack of confidence and weirdness is a legacy of the Ghosts of Relationships Past. This is my baggage-- I don’t trust my own instincts, which leads to fretting and overthinking. At this point, I’m tired of thinking about it.
You’ve obviously never met** Drachillix**, love of my life.
He was a never-been-married 32 when we met online. He was never a bad boy or a bad date. He knew what he wanted enough to reach for it. Ruby, I like that you are not accepting excuses. You and me and everyone has baggage-- it’s a trendy phrase for our experiences. You weren’t cherished by your ex and you don’t want to repeat that experience. Nothing wrong from learning from the past.
That’s it - don’t settle. As we get older with more experience (that is a better word than “baggage”), we definitely get a good idea of what we do and don’t want, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Update: we met up at our mutual friend’s band’s show last night. I had my group of friend, and he had his, but we spend a decent amount of time together. His first words to me were, ironically, “Why didn’t you call me? I wasn’t sure if you were coming.” My reply was, “Hey, you didn’t call me either!” That shut him up.
My friends agreed that it was hard to tell what his interest level was in me, but he at least likes me. At the end of the evening, I told him that I’ve been doing all the calling and he needed to call me, lest I think he doesn’t like me. He agreed that he’d been a slacker about the phone and it was his turn.
He called me an hour later to half-assedly invite me to a Robert Burns birthday party, which is an excuse to drink scotch, I gather. It was by way of saying, I just remembered why I can’t hang out, I have this other thing, which you’re welcome to come to, if you want. I don’t know if it’s going to be my thing, but I’m glad he at least called. I left a message asking for more information. Progress, I guess. Will keep you posted.
Cool. I was really hoping you’d meet up at the mutual friend’s gig. I think it’s a good sign that he invited you to the party instead of just blowing you off. (if I understood correctly what happened) Have fun and don’t drink too much scotch. That shit’ll kill you.
Just a little update-- the thing with this guy is not going anywhere. He says he’s in a “non-commital mode of life” right now, but that really means he’s not that into me. I’m glad we got that cleared up because he was starting to drive me a little nuts with mixed signals and wishy washiness. He only told me he wasn’t up for dating after making and breaking plans with me several times. I got the hint, but it took some bluntness to make it explicit.
Sigh. Ah well. Better to find out now than to waste more time and energy trying to figure him out.
Might be time to simply declare yourself to be on hiatus for a while – when I have zero patience for the minor BS of dating, it’s easier on my shattered nerves just to stop for a while.
Plus, it’ll give you all kinds of time to work on your fantasy TV lineups…
Yeah, well, the conversation was quite long, over an hour in total, and I was just summarizing so as not to bore you. It was pretty damn clear to me that he doesn’t want to date me by the end of the conversation, whereas it wasn’t before. Enough said.
You don’t have to be a mind-reader to understand what people mean when they tell you things or act certain ways. I have no problem believing that Rubystreak has it exactly right. People make efforts for things they want; they don’t for things they don’t - no offense intended, Ruby.
There’s someone out there for everyone, Rubystreak, and you deserve better than a wishy washy guy who’s either a) not that into you or b) not interested in a committed relationship at the moment.
You will find someone who appreciates your honesty and directness. There are plenty of men out there who say they appreciate women who just tell it like it is and who don’t play games; but you might have to wait a bit longer to find one who’s single.
