I had an infatuation on a guy once.
He’s dead now.
I am no longer infatuated.
I’m just now getting over a multi-year totally impossible to act on crush.
I found that trying not to think about it created an even more uncomfortable tension in my mind. So I took a more Buddhist approach and when I found myself obsessing, I merely took a mental step back and tried to observe my feelings rather than fight them. I also, matter-of-factly in my mind, took a moment to consider reality. Not argue with myself in my mind, but simply observe what I knew to be true (for example, “I am not ok with acting on this crush because it goes against my ethics.” Or “this crush is based upon my need for this person to be what I want him to be, not what he is”.) I didn’t fight the thoughts, but as much as I could I disengaged from the emotions of the crush and moved into my logical mind.
It helped tremendously to remove the power of the unobtainable and put me back into the present, and its burn has diminished a lot.
I’m going to sound like an ass for saying this, but it worked for me–and I was crushing hard about a year ago.
Basically, I’d take Shakespeare’s advice. Romeo and Juliet, Act I, Scene i:
Granted, the character in question ended up falling even harder when he did so, but that, I fear, is life. All I can say is that opening myself up to being attracted to someone new rid me rather effectively of a quite troublesome crush. Of course, the person I ended up with brought her own sheaf of problems, but, to quote another wise observer of the human condition, life is suffering.
This is actually a good approach, I think. Trying not to think of your crush is like saying “don’t think of an elephant”. He/she is going to pop into your head sooner or later. But if you try to inject logic into your fantasies and remind yourself of why it will not happen, it might help. For instance, I would say to myself, “Yes, he’s charming and sweet as hell, and I miss him. But he isn’t around anymore. Much as you liked him, you will never see him again.” God, just typing that gave me a painful little twinge. But if you keep reminding yourself of the reality, eventually you’ll get the message.
Go for it. Long distance relationships can work. When I was in college I met a girl who lived 10 hours away. In fact, that was the closest we lived to each other for the next 6 years - until we got married.
It depends a lot on why she is unavailable. If she is otherwise engaged, write a blues song. If you’re just chicken, go for it. She can turn you down, in which case you might become uninfatuated, or she can say yes, in which case you might also become uninfatuated. 
Or, you can try to become friends and see what happens.
I’ve been happily married for more than 25 years. During that time I have developed crushes on:
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My best friend’s brand new wife
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A co-worker. Not just a co-worker, but my subordinate. Not just my subordinate, but my 20-years-younger-than-me subordinate, who happened to have a SO of her own.
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A newly single friend whom I have known since before I met my wife.
I think we can agree that acting on any of these infatuations would have had a near 100% chance of being a complete disaster, even if the crushees had made themselves available to me. So I simply marked it up to being a romantic fool, concentrated on my wife and moved on.
She’s married isn’t she?
Sometimes getting to know the person really well works.
It’s perfect nuggets like these that keep me coming back to the Dope. Well said, Linty, thank you for saying it so beautifully.
If all else fails, you may consult the master.
Mine just sent me a friend request. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. At least it’s no longer painful. Hasn’t been for a while really. Of course we first met in 1994 and I now know she lives several states away.
So if nothing else works, sufficient time and distance might solve the problem.
I think this is a really insightful observation. Thanks Linty.
To answer the OP, I’ll echo other’s replies and assert that there are really only three viable options:
- Cauterize: Tell her how you feel and accept the consequences. Seems like they will be bad, but the situation will be resolved quickly and actually with the least amount of pain.
- Amputate: Eliminate her from you life (even if it means taking another job).
- Nurse: Find someone that is available and pour your energy and affection into a relationship with her.
If you are not willing to do one of these three, then I suggest some serious self-reflection along the lines of what Linty said. Chances are that you don’t really want to let go. Probably the happiness you are getting is greater than the pain right now, but this will change and when it does, it will be too late. Without someone else to go home to, it is unlikely you will be able to ‘savor’ the crush for a while. And I really doubt the rubber band trick will work either. Considering the amount of pain crushees are willing to put up with, it won’t even register.
I appreciate that these are all truly difficult options, but the alternative is likely years of torment. In the end, you still won’t have her and you’ll regret all of the time and energy you wasted. Now imagine that I cut-and-pasted this paragraph another 999 times.
I know you said you suck at dating, and maybe you do, but you are one of the more interesting posters on this board. You clearly have a lot to offer. Maybe you need to seek a friend’s help in dating. Maybe you need to redefine how you meet people. Maybe you need to redefine what a relationship is. I think even a text-only email/IM relationship would be more satisfying and healthy than a one-sided infatuation.
Anyway, based on the number of replies, this is obviously a common phenomena; nothing to be ashamed of. Try someone’s advice from this thread and keep working through it.
Good luck and PM if you want.
How deep did you dig the grave? 
As I pretty much expected, the answers have ranged from insightful but unworkable to the utterly craptastic. The issue here isn’t unattainability, but unavailability; that is to say, to pursue such a relationship would result in an even more problematic situation, even (or perhaps especially) if it were completely successful. Getting to know the woman in question better has exacerbated, rather diminished, my interest.
As for dating, I’ve been attempting to do that vigorously (if somewhat intermittently, as time allows) when I realized this was a problem but alas without even modest success.
Anyway, thanks for the responses.
Stranger
As someone who has been in your shoes and is empathetic toward your plight, let me offer you my fail-safe solution. Unrequited love is painful, unproductive and in need of deft strategy in order to free oneself from its implacable grip. You must engage your mind into a rigorous process of infatuation transference—in this case, from the problematic and unavailable Lady A to a non-problematic and attainable Lady B.
First order of business, of course, is to find a suitable Lady B (love ad, church single’s mixer, red light district, the choice is yours). Remember, she need not be Ms. Right—the one with whom your hearts shall entwine for all eternity, till the last proton in the known Universe decays (if, indeed, they do decay)—Ms. Right Now may suffice adequately.
So, now you have Ladies A and B who exist as concrete objects in reality (the venue in which you may not affect significant change in their morphological or mental being, lest you’ve completed an accredited residency program in surgery or psychiatry) and as malleable objects in your furtive mind (the venue whereupon you may affect any change of your hearts desire, limited only by the extent of your imagination). At this point you need only emphasize the negative traits and features of Lady A, while you, as the old song says, Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive traits and features of Lady B
Allow me to illustrate a viable scenario: find something…anything, about **Lady A **that you feel even mildly put off about…then whip that up, in your frenzied mind, into something truly abhorrent…Say she has a slightly gnarled big toenail on her left foot, a simple case of onychomycosis. Well, that’s somewhat nasty…but what could that become—in your mind?
Let’s extrapolate. Imagine marrying this fungal infected young lady, only to have her infernal mycosis spread to her other toenails…then, to her fingernails! It worsens, each nail plate thickening, yellowing, crumbling…putrefying. Her proclivity for spooning with you in bed becomes a nightmarish scene from Dante’s Inferno—your back and posterior calves becoming shreds of raw meat from the constant excoriation of those merciless digital daggers. The hideous site; the unrelenting pain; the fetid smell. Can it get any worse?
Yes, indeed it can…and does. The virulent dermatophytic pathogens leap from your hell-wife’s toenails to yours. As if bitten by a vampire, you too become a creature of scorn and fright, hiding your fang-like claws from an unsuspecting public by day, unsheathing and brandishing them only at night, while mortals slumber. Little Larry and tiny Tina, your precocious kids, are next to be infected…transmogrifying into the next generation of loathsome creatures of the night. Your pooch, Pookie, is next, turning his claws into…bigger claws. Oh, the humanity!
Now, visualize Lady B in your mind. She’s got aesthetically pleasing toenails…and a nice set of knockers.
Transference complete.
I realize this is a jerkish thing to say, but I’m not sure I buy that she is unavailable.
Your desires are not so stupid that they can just be duped away by your “rational” mind. There is no trick to deal with it, and thus only 2 solutions: Fullfill the desire, or find another one.
Regarding finding another one: You can meet and talk to girls anywhere, it’s just a question of technique. You just have to be non-weird and non-threatening, and have some sort of a good topic to bring up. Think of something / try different things. Possibly you are thinking: “But I might annoy the girl doing this”, which is a pretty silly point of view. The maximal annoyance she can have is less than what, say, a phone marketing guy causes numerous times a day. Plus the EV for her is great, since she has a chance to get to know you. And there are girls who like interesting intellectuals out there.
Oh hell yes. Still suffering vintage crush from 1983 here, which has metamorphosed into a sort of beatification of the crush recipient.
I don’t find the comment jerkish; however, even if she reciprocated it would only create even more problems than I have now that are equally insoluble. It’s just not an option. Indeed, I keep hoping that she’ll take up with someone or something so that unavailability will be concrete rather than just a conditional issue.
As far as looking elsewhere, I have two interconnected problems. One is that I really haven’t found anyone I’m all that enthusiastic about and the other is that the only responses I’ve gotten on-line or elsewhere have been frankly unappetizing and in several cases nearly incoherent. I suppose I could force myself to go out with someone to whom I’m not really attracted, share no expansive interests, and don’t like to communicate with, but I don’t think that solves my problem. The women who I have contacted that I think have some possibility of being interesting have uniformly failed to respond. I regard this as strictly my failing; I’m good at standing up in front of a crowd, presenting on a technical topic, and fielding tough questions and challenges, but not great at making small talk or shallow flirting.
Anyway, thanks for the responses.
Stranger
Don’t throw in the towel quite yet, Stranger.
Perhaps you can learn and prosper from my mistakes and solutions:
I have no background in psychology/psychiatry, but long ago I diagnosed myself as a high self-monitor. I have a strong suspicion that you fit this profile, too. In fact, I believe a significant percentage of people with a combination of high intellect and social awkwardness (particularly with regard to members of the opposite sex) are, indeed, high self monitors—and herein lies the problem.
As a teenager through my late 20’s (until I got out into the real world), I was profoundly unsuccessful in attracting those women to whom I was attracted. Part of the problem was being painfully shy with these ladies, but the larger problem was my being a high self monitor. When I did muster the courage to ask someone to whom I was infatuated out on a date, I regulated my behavior to become what I thought would be attractive to this potential paramour—any many more times than not, I failed miserably. I was always a big hit with the parents of my dates, my self-monitoring was always spot-on with them. However, with the dates themselves, it was typically, “you’ll make someone a great husband someday, but I feel we should just remain friends”. So, I dated a lot of women I wasn’t attracted to and stayed friends with a lot of women I wanted to marry—welcome to my paradox.
Luckily, I saw the problem for what it was and was able to change almost completely. Not only is being a high self monitor exhausting and conducive to perpetuating one’s inherent shyness, but when your monitoring wires become crossed (as they seem often to do when it comes to sex), you tend to regulate yourself to become precisely what the object of your affection does not want. And, often, what they don’t want is in line with the old cliché: the nice, dependable guy who their parents want them to marry. In my experience, the hot girls often do really want the bad boys, at least for awhile.
With practice and determination I transformed into a low self monitor, but only with women I was attracted to. I took stock of my qualities and realized that I wasn’t such a bad catch after all. In fact, on balance, in my mind at least, the scale tipped in my favor with regard to comparing attractive qualities with those I was attracted to. “Hell, she should thank her luck stars I’m gracing her with an invitation to date me” became my mindset. Not to brag, but in my 30’s and early 40’s I was a sexual “player”. I had relationships coming out of my ass (pardon my French).
On reflection, I went too far in that direction and now feel repentant for many of my actions during that period of my life. I often maintained serial concomitant relationships and probably led too many to believe we had more of a future than I knew we had. I went from painfully shy to being a bit of a bastard with women, at least in my 30’s, I shamefully admit. I was making up for all the years of being Mr. Nice guy and it was a lot of fun. Even then, however, I felt guilt for those I hurt (I never lost the inherent empathy of being a high self monitor), but I was addicted to the game. My “I’m sorry’s” were truly sincere, but I could not refrain.
Thankfully, I matured further and left that life behind. I settled down and began a long journey to find an equal partner to engage in a stable, functional relationship. Today I’m married and have the 2 most precious daughters in the known universe (admittedly, the jury’s still out on the wife, but you take what life gives you and don’t look back…you didn’t expect the perfect fairy tale ending, did you :)).
Anyway, if you do identify as a high self monitor, cut it out! It may be beneficial in academia, in job interviews and with parents of love interests, but it often kills your chances for successful sexual conquests. You really can change how you monitor yourself and how you present yourself to those you care about, just don’t take it too far to the opposite extreme. Find balance. You’re obviously a bright fellow. Include that in your list of attractive sexual qualities when you take stock of yourself. Are you funny? That’s a big one with women, they all love funny guys. Do you wear nice shoes? Women love men who wear nice shoes. Do you have money? I’ve heard rumors that some women have somewhat of an affinity for that, too. Take stock of yourself. See how your qualities balance favorably against those of the women you’re attracted to. Ask them out. Drink enough Merlot to keep your shyness at bay. Stop self-monitoring. Then, when you find Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now (your Lady B), review my previous post and proceed accordingly. Dating isn’t rocket science, it’s much more complicated. Good luck.
This is truer than it should be. really.
Speaking of the Master
Some things never change. I particularly like the advice against drinking moderately. One additional technique:
Make a list of everything you dislike about them, however petty, or insignificant, and of every interaction you’ve had with them in which you felt like an a*s. Recite this list every time you think of them.
I find that 1.) seeing them less and 2.) doing active things more tends to work beautifully, but I haven’t had it bad for…awhile.