Why would I lie? I didn’t say I sold lots. I have bought lots in the past. Not so much lately. I followed the Dead for years and was no stranger to drugs. In my experience, fronting small amounts was rare (I shouldn’t have said never) and fronting that large of an amount didn’t happen. You really shouldn’t accuse me of lying, son, different people have different experiences.
I should clarify. That large of a front could happen with a lower level dealer and a long relationship. Not with a common user.
First thing you need to do is talk to your SiL, see if the story the wife gave her as to why she’s there is the same one she told you. If not, she’s lying to you, which means she isn’t ready to kick the habit. Which means you’re going to keep having to bail her out. But now it’s more than just you & her, there’s a baby involved.
There’s very few, if any people who go into it thinking she’d make a great starter wife. If you have any concern about your safety, or more importantly, your son’s safety, you need to extract you & him from this situation NOW. If that means divorce, my condolences, but you’re hardly the first & won’t be the last.
Take this weekend & start cleaning the house because you need to move. The only question is if she’s coming with you. IF she truly wants to get clean & goes to rehab, coming right back to the same ol’ same ol’ isn’t going to help. What ever direction her dealer is in, move a town (or two) in the opposite direction. Break those tentacles that are holding her, make it harder for her to get drugs.
Read these words over & over. Not a way to live.
Don’t count on it.
I used to work at a clinic that treated drug addicts. While many of them would never hurt their child some of them would happily sell the kid for a hit. Don’t take the chance. This woman has already proven to be a liar.
If you want to risk your money and perhaps even your life that’s one thing, but there’s now a child involved. You owe your child a life without that sort of risk.
She’s already in trouble. Why do you think she left town?
Yes, that is possible.
If you stay where you are someone might come looking for the money.
Problem is, if you pay this debt then Mrs. Delicious will rely on you to bail her out again in the future.
I agree, this is a “come to Jesus” moment. Either get out of this situation (and marriage) or accept you are an enabler. Pick one.
I didn’t say you lied, I said the post reeked of bullshit. A fine but important distinction.
Yeah, and in my - and clearly the OP’s experience it does happen - so what does that tell you?
[quote]
You really shouldn’t accuse me of lying, son**
I didn’t accuse you of lying. And don’t call me “son” child, that could come off as you being a condescending dick who got called out on the pseudo-authoritative shit. Child.
You’re right, now read your previous posts with that perspective in mind.
You don’t believe in divorce? Fine. Don’t get divorced. But GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THAT SITUATION, and yes, that means you have to physically go to wherever s/he is and take that child with you.
She’s already had the chance. Had more than one. I agree about running to the police, but the second stop in that race should be to a divorce lawyer. He needs to get a whole lot of gone between her, him and the baby.
Oh, and as you’re leaving town, put a note on the door saying “Mrs. Delicious has left the country, never to return. Not worth trying to find her.”
OP: You say you own your home. You can get a home equity loan from your bank or other financial institution. But almost everyone here believes you don’t have a 600 pound problem; instead you have a recurring expense of hundreds of pounds every month or so–because your wife is an addict.
Read your whole post and thought it was interesting, but was curious why you were vague about this - what drug are you talking about?
What?
Are you mad?
That would be blatant usury!
Best real-world advice:
Get a job on your day(s) off. Minimum wage, whatever. Take 100 quid to dealer to show you are serious. (Do whatever you need, including a payday loan to get the hunnert) Tell dealer you’ll bring him 50 each payday from the job you’ve taken just to pay off your wife’s debt. Agree to whatever interest he demands. Ask (nicely, you are requesting a favor) that he not sell to her anymore. Be nice, kiss ass, etc.
I know a guy who settled a larger drug debt like this. His wife had figured she could buy a couple of ounces, then sell grams and have a gram or so for her own use. Didn’t work like that, she hoovered most of it and ended up $1500 in the hole.
Oh. Well. Not really a problem, then. I guess you don’t need any help.
Thanks for the replies everyone.
I’ve spoken to SIL this morning, she’s aware what the situation is, apparently something similar happened a few years ago with the younger brother of the family (he ended up moving back to their parent’s in the Caribbean) so she knows what’s up and is going to keep a close eye.
Also spoke to the dealer, he seemed surprisingly friendly and open to an installment plan, got to scare up £300 before tonight…I think it’s doable.
Mrs Delicious has agreed to tell all to my side of the family as well (they’re more local) and we’ll see if they can help in the longer term.
Did you mention you won’t pay her debt again? That it needs to end here?
The dealer, like everyone else owed money, just wants his money. It’s a hell of a lot easier for him to accept an installment plan than to go through the trouble of breaking of your legs or whatever the alternative was planned to be.
Do NOT make the mistake of thinking your dealer is actually friendly, though.
UK drug dynamics are not the same as the US, but do not take that as much reassurance, it will depend upon exactly who the dealer is.
First thing you absolutely must understand is that the money Mrs owes out may not belong to the dealer, its highly likely that this is already owed out by the dealer to another. Failure to recover money has a knock on effect for the low level dealer.
Your only real way to get this off your back is likely to chop in something of value, and believe me, you will not get a lot of the true price of it.
Next, lets forget about the coke and the debt, your partner has lied to you absolutely big time, this truly is as bad as her having an affair - in fact it is no different - the other party in their ménage a trois is cocaine.
You also have to understand what cocaine does to personal empathy and emotions - basically it completely removes all those barriers and enable the user to pretty much do anything they want, absolutely anything. That is your partner.
So, you are being screwed by her new partner, called cocaine.
Unless you can pay, and pay right now, you leave the relationship - well the truth is that the relationship has already left you, its just that you don’t see it yet.
Its like holding on to a marriage when the other party has broken your trust.
So I know what I am talking about? Perhaps - I work with dealers every day and have done so for 20 years or more, I know what they are prepared to do, you must put her at arms length, leave with the kid, I promise you that she will use more even when you are separated and you will be listed as the person to pay, the dealer will absolutely do this.
Honestly, you just have no idea of how true this is - your only function is to provide the means to pay for cocaine, and nothing else whatsoever - leave.
While I realize the tendency on this board is to sound the air raid siren and say “OMG! Call the police! Divorce Her!” you’re at the far other end and almost comically sanguine about the direction this is going to go.
You keep saying “we took vows, together forever” but at some point that stance is going to become untenable emotionally, financially and physically. Without the ability and financial means to keep an addict physically away from the drug (which you do not have) relapse rates are in the 75%+ region. Now maybe the UK has some better, faster, stronger way of dealing with cocaine addicts than the US but here your prognosis would be fairly dire.
Her attempt to break the habit by staying at her sister’s house will fail as soon as she comes home and is back in the familiar environment. You are trying to be a brave, supportive hero but the reality is that if she is forced to choose between you and the kid or the drug she is going to choose the drug. She will be very sorry and regretful this is the case but she will still choose the drug. You need to understand that now and not later.
You are not the priority, the child is not the priority, the drug is the priority. If she is in need of the drug she will steal or service other men sexually if it means getting access to the drug. That is what you’re dealing with. Also, you don’t need to worry about being there for her, if you interfere with her access to the drug enough at some point she will leave you. It’s not hopeful and you do need to protect yourself and the child.
Regarding paying the drug dealer I would not do it in this particular circumstance. All you’re doing is giving him confidence that she is an excellent credit risk for future drug sales. Getting the police involved is a coin toss depending on what they would bring to the table but in this case I would do it. It would tell the dealer that you are not onboard as the current or future source of funds for your wife’s drug habit.
I know you think you’re going to save this situation with your love and support but that is very unlikely. Saving chronic drug addicts in the family is something everyone thinks they can do, or must do, but they can’t. You need to focus on protecting yourself and your child as the gravity of her addiction will only drag everything in her proximity down with her.
Mrs Delicious is a drug addict, that baby is the SECOND most important thing in her life. She should under no circumstance be the one with the baby.
I will also add, £600 is not really all that much of a cocaine debt - I know of individuals who have done £1200 in a couple of hours, how much more has she stuck up her nose? and how much id the debt really? my bet is that it is rather more than you know - classic addict tactics is to minimise the issues.
Lets face it, if the debt was £2000, would that alter your view?, what about £10000? - at what point do you decide enough is enough?
Addicts typically end up in prison and lacking support from family - this is because they have let their loved ones down again and again, they steal from them, they promise so much, and always tomorrow.
Tomorrow is an addicts religion.
Run like fuck, or get some serious support - the problem is that there is so little support available - but you cannot possibly cope with this on your own, and even with help, its most unlikely that things will turn out well.