An unrealistic bad person. I have to agree with the other posters who opined that there is no such thing as a no strings attached F.B. situation, especially with someone who is 10 years younger. When I look back at the person I was at 21 and the person I was at 31, there was a huge difference in my maturity and my abililty to handle emotions. You have your “needs” (buy yourself an $*(@)# vibrator), but I think you seriously messed up the friendship. Of course, I don’t have all that much sympathy for your FB who was cheating on his gf. Maybe you do deserve each other.
** A response to Hamlet**
First off, I already own a vibrator.
Like Drastic said, people need to be touched and to be held. Since for the moment I can’t get that from SP, as badly as I want it-as we both want it, I sought out an alternative, with SP’s blessing.
Now here comes the irony…the former Jew and current Wiccan will now quote the New Testament…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
[sub]Whoever calls me Mary Magdalene will get things thrown at them 
[/sub]
“No germs involved.”
Huh? I’m sure JillGat would agree with me that that is impossible unless you use a full body condom. Sure you can use a rubber but you’re still exposed to a whole bunch of things, herphes, HPV 16+ Etc, warts, crabs etc etc. I don’t think people should give an impression no germs are involved just cause they use a condom or don’t kiss.
“You are screwing a guy who you know has a
girlfriend while suposedly being in love with someone else, this would put you square in the bad
person department in my book”
I have to agree with that.
Well, since I’ve never had meaningless sex, I think I can toss a stone or two…
You did ask, hardygrrl, if you thought your actions made you a bad person. A few posters have responded that they thought so. Then you go defensive. So, were you looking for an honest assessment, or merely validation?
Just wondering.
Er…make that “…if others thought your actions…”
Maybe I should have been a little clearer…
I was wondering if I was being realistic by not wanting to have a relationship beyond sex with someone who knew he was just a FB.
IMO, if I was a bad person, I would have strung along FB to keep getting laid. I would let him think that there was more to things than there actually were.
Besides, every time we did hook up, I thought about SP the whole time. I imagined it was SP kissing me, etc. That’s not fair to FB.
[sub]WTF was I thinking when I started this thread?[/sub]
I was with you up until ‘Smackdown’. Did you tell him that stuff is crap? If so then you are all set.
Like someone else said, I don’t believe sex is ever without any strings attached. Although “SP” may say he is ok with the fuckbuddy, it ALWAYS hurts to know someone you love is intimate with another. But then again, what the hell do I know?
I guess you should have been clearer, too. While I’ll reserve judgement of “good person” vs “bad person” because one thing doesn’t make you either(unless that thing is say killing a bunch of innocent people), I think you were really unrealistic. Personally, I can’t imagine that two people could have a sexual relationship without one of them changing their mind about what they want, and therefore getting hurt. A big part of what makes us human is our ablity to feel emotion, and people will end up feeling despite their efforts not to.
NOW I feel bad. 
No, it always hurts YOU to know that someone you love is intimate with another. However, not everyone is like you.
For the record, I am like you. It would break my heart in a million tiny pieces if my boyfriend was sexually intimate with another woman under any circumstances. And we’re nearly 6,000 miles apart, so I do understand how hard it can be to miss sex desperately. But we have chosen to be in a committed relationship that doesn’t include casual sex with other people just to satisfy our base sexual desires, so we deal with the frustration until the next time we can be together.
On the other hand, there are a lot of couples out there in the world who sincerely don’t have a problem with sharing their partners sexually. We have quite a few posters on this board who have open marriages (Kricket and robgruver come to mind) and they like it that way. They love their spouses as much as we love our boyfriends/girlfriends/SOs/spouses, etc. They just don’t mind (or may even be turned on by) them having sex with other people.
If both parties in the relationship like it that way, that’s their business. I wouldn’t like to do it in my life, but I’m certainly not going to judge what works for them.
hardygrrl has a boyfriend who has told her that he doesn’t care if she satisfies her sexual needs with men outside of their relationsip. Apparently he’s confident enough in her love for him that he doesn’t feel threatened by her having casual sex with other guys. She found a man who agreed to be her source of sexual release and was honest with all parties involved about what she was doing. She’s not out cheating on her boyfriend - she asked him how he felt about it and he gave her the OK to go for it. And she’s clearly said that if he hadn’t, she wouldn’t be doing it. The guy she’s having casual sex with was not involved with anyone when they started sleeping together. It is not hardygrrl’s responsibility to tell this other woman that her new boyfriend still sleeps with someone else - that’s up to the guy - it’s his relationship.
Are these kinds of open relationships easy? Hardly - as we’ve seen evidenced here, sometimes one of the parties decides they want the dynamics to change and that can cause problems. But that doesn’t mean that they “ALWAYS” hurt people or that those who choose this lifestyle are trash because it works for them when it wouldn’t work for us.
Seems to me we’ve got 3 people here who are at the very least being open and honest with each other. We don’t know about the “FB’s” now former girlfriend - he may or may not have told her that he hadn’t stopped sleeping around when they started dating. But he’s certainly been honest with hardygrrl about his change of feelings and she’s been honest with him in return and has chosen to end the sexual part of their relationship so that she doesn’t lead him on. That’s the right thing to do under the circumstances.
That’s my nickel’s worth, anway.
Jeg elsker dig, Thomas
hardygrrl, don’t feel bad. You’ve stopped seeing FB, so if SP felt any hurt whatsoever about your relationship with FB, there’s no reason for him to feel that way anymore. I think you’ve done both guys some good.
Of course, don’t be surprised or hurt if FB stays pouty or even ignores you completely for a while.
[sub]God, this thread hurts.[/sub]
I’m glad you put the “personally” in there because, although you can’t imagine it, I assure you it’s quite possible. Casual sex doesn’t have to be emotionless sex and the emotions involved don’t have to be (or ever turn into) romantic love.
Believe me, it is entirely possible to care very much about someone as a person and a friend - to genuinely like them and enjoy their company and have sex with them without ever falling in love with them and turning it into anything more. Just because you associate the emotions that go with sex to being (or falling) in love, doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone else in the world.
It’d be so much easier if SP was here or I was with him.
::sigh::
Of course, we’d probably be fucking like ferrets on crack…
[sub]Oops,was that my loud voice? Yes, that’s where the nickname came from. I’ve reserved it as my band name.[/sub]
I hurt SP once, when I told him I thought we should cool things off [sub]like that would happen[/sub]. I never want to hurt him again.
Why would it be easier? Have you been in a long term relationship before? Eventually the lust/and or love feelings begin to die down into normalcy. Then what? Are you prepaired for that or will you require an extranious source of monkey lovin??
To paraphrase what several posters have already said:
Sex is never just sex.
I don’t pass judgement on hardygrrl, but it should be obvious that in any sexual relationship some kind of strings are likely to be attached…and the more parties involved, the more tangled the strings get. That said, I’d sure like a FB right now. I’m aware of the risks involved, but I’m willing to accept the consequences.
BTW, I thought “Trash” was simply a reference to Smackdown.
To you, maybe.
People, please stop making blanket statements as if they apply equally to everyone in the world. They don’t. Sex can be just sex even if it can’t for you.
Sheesh! What’s it going to take for people to understand that not everyone’s sexuality is the same as yours?
I’m willing to to take Shayna’s word that sex can be just sex.
I, persoanlly, have never seen it happen. Blanket statements aside, it wasn’t just sex on FB’s part. I’m not
saying hardygrrl did anything wrong, and I do not think she’s a bad person. But if someone enters into this kind of…well…arrangement, they must at least accept the possibility that someone might get hurt.
Yes, I’ve been in a long term relationship before. Things do cool down a little and yes, I am prepared for that.
In my previous relationships though, I had the luxury of having the person here with me. Right now, that’s not a luxury I have with SP. Phone and cyber sex can only satisfy you so much.
When we do meet f2f…I know it’ll be ferrets on crack time.
When things cool down, I’ll still be eternally grateful to be with him. The conversations we have alone are enough to keep me happy.
[sub]Plus I know he’d keep my urges for hot monkey sex satisfied. Very satisfied. I have the sex drive of a sixteen year old boy and he’s not complaining a bit.[/sub]
When people enter any kind of relationship there’s the possibility that someone might get hurt. So what’s your point? hardygrrl was up front with both guys about what she wanted. If Mr. FB was agreeable to that, then later decided he wanted something different, is that hardygrrl’s fault, somehow? I sure don’t think so.
Well, I have.