Don’t give that bitch a ride!

The BBQ Pit
41

No, no, no. He isn’t being a Nice Guy. He’s being a coward.

He knows this woman is using him. He knows that his primary responsibility is to his wife. He knows that by helping this woman, he is hurting his wife.

But he’s doing it anyways because he fears the crap his ex will give him more than he fears the pain he’s causing his wife. He fears having to stand up to his ex, because he knows just how awful she can make him feel, and he knows that his wife will go out of her way not to make him feel awful.

He is allowing his fear to make his decisions for him. Not his principles, not his commitment to his wife, and that is cowardice.

Either that, or I’m in a terribly cynical, worn down, distrusting mood and should not be listened to.

42

Sometimes when I read these boards I think I’m taking crazy pills.

Mouse has talked about how she’s about to lose her job because the department is closing up, about she can’t go to school fulltime because she and her husband need the income her job provides. And yet this guy is giving money to an ex-wife he isn’t legally obligated to support? Sorry but when your wife is working and not going to school to keep the household afloat, when your wife is about to lose her job through no fault of her own and you’re STILL giving money to someone you’re not responsible for, and from all accounts, was an ass of a ex-wife (I remember all the old threads around here), you’re not being a “nice guy”. If charity begins at home, why the hell can’t he take care of his own family?

Mouse, I certainly hope you separate out your finances until your husband grows a pair so at least YOUR money isn’t going to this chick. I’m sorry but every thread you post around here just comes off like you have the worst self-esteem in the world and putting up with this from your husband and this woman just seems like another manifestation…well, frankly, it’s a difficult choice I guess. You can expend the emotional energy and time and effort nurture your husband into his big boy pants like some posters are saying or you can be like us assholes who don’t get pushed around and baby other grownass adults and say “fuck this, we’re not giving her money.” Because see, it kind of is as simple as saying NO, changing your phone and making the money unavailable.

43

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Is he willing to wreck his car for his ex? Injure himself? Die? I would be chewing my fingers off if Mr. Rilch had to drive in that weather for someone we both cared about, let alone someone toxic.

44

Mouse I was in your husband’s position not too long ago.

My ex-wife tried this exact same stuff after our divorce. Her life, through her choices, became wrecked. Constantly broke, in jail, and jumping between different rent-by-the-week motels when it came time to pay the rent. Her boyfriend’s family (affluent, community leaders who were much better off financially than me) eventually severed all contact with them, but not before his mother tried to get me to help them out. She (the ex) kept trying to get me to give her money, rides to ‘job interviews’, etc. Her boyfriend called and threatened me physically if I didn’t give her money. We had no children together, so there was no reason for me to keep in touch with her. She was just looking for someone else to take responsibility for her life so she wouldn’t have to, and the guy she picked over me couldn’t do it.

But by that time I had a girlfriend, and she has two daughters. We were a family, and they became the most important people in my life. I felt bad about hanging up on my ex whenever she called, about reporting the threats to the police, and about having a lawyer inform the rich parents of the boyfriend that any attempted to contact me for money for my ex and their son would be treated as attempted extortion (I figured out that these people would give a lawyer more credence than me.) But I felt that my new family came first, and my ex and her problems were no longer my concern.

Sleepless nights and self-recrimination about that choice? Yes. My ex and I were married for 13 years. And even though she started sleeping around on me when I was on a six-month deployment (active duty US Navy,) I still felt that I could have done something to keep the marriage together. So I had that guilt working on me too.

But there can be no reason why someone I had chosen to remove from my live could be allowed to come between me and my new family. So I stuck to my guns, I haven’t heard from the ex in a year, and my girlfriend (now fiancee - we’re getting married in the spring) feels much more secure about our relationship.

This woman, MouseSpouse’s ex-wife, will never leave him alone as long as he caves in on any of her requests, even if it’s just a couple minutes on the phone to talk. He must severe all contact with her, right now, or it will never end. He’s still thinking he has a responsibility for her, and he doesn’t. Get him to talk about it, his reasons for doing this, and don’t let him give you some half-assed one-line excuse. I think that if he fully articulates why he feels he has to do this, he will see reason and come to this decision himself, and be strong enough to stick with it.

45

He is what he is and you have to work with that.

Providing that you and your husband are in full agreement that he shouldn’t be giving her money, helping her out or having any dealings with her, you might have to take the bull by the horns and call her.

She’s obviously a user that knows the buttons to push to manipulate him. I’d call her, making sure he’s in full agreement and will back you up and tell her in no uncertain terms that he’s no longer giving her money or rides or whatever and if she has to call him, call you and you’ll give him the message.

I know someone who was in a very similar situation. When my sister was dating her husband he had an ex-girlfriend who was the same way and she pretty much used him even before my sister came into the picture.

Back story on my BIL- he had a childhood that was out of a bad movie. He was the youngest of 7 kids and his mother died when he was 7-8. They lived on some remote farm and they were raised by an alcoholic father that physically and sexually abused all of them. He’d lock them out of the house in the winter, they didn’t have food, the whole bit. Neighbor’s would take them in at night.

He’s not a wuss or a ball-less wonder without a backbone but I think he learned early on to keep his head down. He joined the marines, went to school and is an all around great guy.

For whatever reason this girl was able to manipulate him. I think predator types and users like this woman and your husband’s ex can sense this about people. My sister put a stop to it, not because her husband was a pussy or she had to fight his battles but she saw what was going on.

You might have to step in and tell her. After your husband changes his cell phone number.

46

Great post, I totally agree. No matter how good “Mouse Spouse”'s intentions might be toward his ex-wife, his actual, current wife’s feelings and well-being absolutely have to come first, within reason. If Mouse_Maven is uncomfortable with these “favors,” that’s all the motivation he should need to stop doing them.

Also, on a lighter note, I can’t stop singing the thread title to the tune of Indigo Girls’ “Don’t Give That Girl a Gun.”

47

I agree 100%. We used to live in Boulder, and the road to Blackhawk is treacherous in dry conditions- plenty of sharp curves, steep stretches and drop-offs. We drove up there in the snow once, and we were following a damned snowplow! It was still pretty hairy.

There is no way anyone should have been driving up there.

48

Thank you. I’ll be hanging out with you and the other people who haven’t taken the crazy pills. Christ almighty, this isn’t rocket science.

49

Mouse_Spouse didn’t go to Black Hawk to pick up his ex. The weather, the fact that she was in a safeplace, and that I was angry, convinced him to stay.

When they were married, Spouse and Ex adopted a cat. Ex got the cat and she uses it to manipulate him. “I haven’t been home to feed the cat!” I explained that a cat can live without food for a day or two. She’ll be hungry, but just fine.

We had a long “State of the Union” talk. I told him that a relationship is about balance. He and I give things to each other, all Ex does is take. We need to cut her off. If she threatens to take the cat to the pound (which she has done in the past), we’ll take the cat. (Hell, I lived with friends that had 12 cats- not including my own 1.75 - 4 dogs, and three hamsters. Another cat in our house won’t bug me.) If she and her boyfriend calls consistantly, **I’ll ** talk to them. (I sound like a wimp here, but I’ve got quite a temper. I was raised by a single father who was a Marine, I can blister ears when pushed to far. Ask any Stepford student who’s crossed me.)

50

I’m curious – you mention a conversation, but you’ve relayed basically what you told him. How did he respond? Did he seem to understand where you’re coming from? Was he receptive?

Again…rooting for you (both).

51

Mouse_Spouse is hesitant. He doesn’t want Ex to end up on the street - he is a very sweet guy. Ex has had a lot of problems: no higher education, owes child support (kids from another relationship), the list goes on. Spouse feels responsible for her.

I know its hard to say “no” to people you care for. There are members of my family I have to consistantly refuse to help. When my first spouse and I broke up, he tried to get me to pay alimony.

Right now, I’m trying to convince Mouse_Spouse that he’s not responsible for another adult.

52

Yes, he is. But he’s been trying to be responsible for the wrog adult. You should be his first choice.

53

Honest question looking for an honest answer here, Mouse, but would he put up with this shit if the tables were turned?

54

Oh, I agree with you absolutely. I’m engaged now and certainly would never have put Moochy Ex as a priority over my new relationship. I never would have bailed her out financially either. I would have drawn the line there.

My point was only that it can take an enormous amount of effort to “de-condition” yourself so that you don’t jump to your feet ready to respond with all your protective Papa Bear instincts. My Moochy Ex and I were together over four years, during which time I was regrettably Mr. Fix-It, when things went wrong.

I am engaged now, and I still get pangs of guilt for “shirking my responsibility” to Moochy Ex that I rationally KNOW I don’t have. (Particularly when my Moochy Ex’s father passed away awhile back.)

The problem for me was solved when I decided that trying to maintain a semblance of “friendship” with Moochy was neither productive nor particularly beneficial to me in a way. Bottom line: Moochy wasn’t a very nice person, she is not my responsibility, and her version of “friendship” was… for me to be Mr.Fix-It when things went wrong! :rolleyes:

It was a one-way street. Moochy reaped the benefits of “friendship”, while I just got the faux responsibility.

Recognizing that it would eventually cause a strain in my current relationship with my finacee, I resolutely told Moochy to stop calling. Cutting her out of my life was harsh, but necessary. While I feel the occasional pang of responsibility-that-is-not-mine, I also feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

55

This is why I think you need to step in if he doesn’t do anything about her. I’m sure you can see through her act.

She’s not a nice person, she’s a professional leech. She doesn’t even support her own kids??? The Ex AND her boyfriend are looking for handouts? She deserves to end up on the streets. But she won’t because she’s no better than a scam artist.

Is there anyone in his family that can talk to him? Hold some kind of ex-intervention? I’m sure 90% of these posts aren’t telling you anything you don’t know of haven’t already told him so I don’t want to pile on.

56

Well, you’re his spouse now and you are responsible for each other. That is the marvelous team of “We.”

But clearly he’s having a tough tiime cutting the cord of his previous responsibility — that’s the sign of a really good man. It means he is loyal and takes his promises seriously. So seriously that part of him still feels responsible, but he’s gotta let that go!

He has got to condition himself that when his first marriage dissolved, he was absolved of the responsibility of the former “we”. He’s going to have to learn to be ruthless about it, and say “No” to his ex, even when it’s not a big deal. No good can come of it if he feels responsible for someone who can’t take responsibility for herself. His ex has got to learn how to manage her own life without him as a safety net. Sometimes you have to let people fail, all on their own, and that’s okay. He needs to understand that. Helping her out, is not actually helping her.

The Mouse household is the priority now, and while it’s admirable that he wants to do right by his ex, the cold hard reality is that’s not his job. Her life is none of his business anymore. He’s got to hear that again and again. (But gently, he’s just trying to do the right thing.)

57

One image that helped me disengage from my toxic father was the idea of throwing a rope to a drowning person - some people will pull themselves to shore with your help, and others will take you down with them. I think your ex needs to get it clear in his head that his ex will take him down with her (she’s already negatively affecting his marriage). Time to cut her loose. He is NOT responsible for another adult that he’s not married to - she sinks or swims on her own, and none of it is his fault or responsibility.

Tell you what, Mouse - put him on the computer and we’ll tell him ourselves. No guilt allowed! Just say no! Onward and upward! (I got a million of 'em.) :smiley:

58

He wanted to drive up to a hotel to help the ex in a snowstorm?

Hmmmmm?

59

I say just go over to her place right now while she’s stranded and take the cat. (Although I realize this may not be legally possible.) I’m in agreement with the others who think this bitch is a manipulative cunt who is trying to keep your husband on the hook as much as possible. She reminds me of an ex-girlfriend of mine who “just wanted to be friends” after we broke up, and then when after hung out a while started claiming I was “sending mixed messages.”
Divorce is divorce. I don’t think you’re being extreme at all in saying to him it’s her or you. If he can’t make a decision THAT simple, he doesn’t deserve you or any other woman besides his ex.

60

Flame away if you want, but I think the bitch wants him back, and if you don’t put your foot down he will eventually have an affair with her. He might be a good man, but not by helping an ex when he’s refucking married. Damn! If someone doesn’t have kids with an ex spouse, and is remarried, there is ZERO reason to give them fucking money or help.

You turn the page, move on…

If I was married again, and my wife wanted to give her ex-husband money that’s not required alimony, fuck that shit. And if she wanted to drive somewhere to “rescue” her ex, she can damn well stay with him.