That’s my guess as well-- she may not be familiar or comfortable enough with her body to really want to engage in sex on a regular basis, and your “let’s spice it up” routine apparently made her more leery.
Additionally, as others have said, she could have lost interest but be so passive that she’s waiting for you to end it. After all, she dislikes you touching her butt for any reason, but won’t vocalize that complaint to you. Either try to get her to open up a bit communication-wise and find a middle ground, or move on.
This is a great question. I’ve found that in my relationships the amount of sex will rise and fall, but the amount of non sexual affection remains constant. We might have sex every day for a few days, then go a few weeks without. However, the amount of hand holding, random kissing, and cuddling remain fairly consistent.
I would be worried if suddenly my partner didn’t want to hold my hand. I would NOT be worried if my partner and I didn’t have sex for a few weeks.
A funny story: years back my wife pulled me into the bedroom for a “serious” discussion. She was nervous and I was worried I was about to be read the riot act. Instead, she lays out how she thinks we need to have more sex. I agree, we cuddle, and for the following few days every time I initiate she wasn’t in the mood. It occurred to me after some thought that she was somewhat in the mental state of the OP; we hadn’t had sex for a week or so and she thought perhaps that was an indication that something was wrong with the relationship and something needed to be done about it. Nothing was wrong; just neither of us had felt like fucking for a few days.
Yesterday was 10 days shy of 3 years into the relationship and I decided that I had enough already. It’s over now.
What was killing me wasn’t the lack of sex per se, but the lack of affection in general. I was doing various stuff for her, both sexual and non sexual and there was no reciprocation. For me it felt like we were simply roommates and it was eating me up inside for the last two years.
I tried to communicate with her but she’s a very difficult person. Whenever I started talking to her about how I feel she would react very badly and accuse me of being insensitive and an egotist. In retrospect I should have ended it back then. Things were getting worse as time passed and it made me feel like shit the whole time.
Wow, Dog. I can’t believe you stayed for so long. You sure can’t say you didn’t try! I hope you can move on and find a woman who appreciates and reciprocates your affection and commitment.
Good relationships are based on communication. I have a better talking relationship with some of my female friends then they have with their own husbands. It boggles my mind but such is life. It ain’t rocket science to talk things out. I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of that has to do with personalities just not fully clicking and neither party sees it. I don’t communicate well with some people but I recognized it straight off. It’s not something that can be forced but it can be improved upon.
Putting that aside, if you’re not on the same basic page to begin with then all the communication in the world isn’t going to matter. Most couples bond with each other based on love and a desire to be with each other physically as well as emotionally. Otherwise it’s just a really good friendship. Og knows I love my male buddies but I don’t want to have sex with them. Maaaaybe a 2 pat hug if we both just escaped a flaming building together. But all my friends communicate well with me. It’s the key to a lasting relationship.
So if I understand the situation correctly, sex was never good for you and now it’s sub par. If after a good conversation she comes to the same conclusion then welcome to the world of friends without benefits. Move on and be happy for each other.
post edit, I see you made the leap. hope things go well for both of you.
Hey, thanks for the update. If it makes you feel any better, you certainly made the right choice. I was once in a relationship with a poor communicator myself. Although it took several months to wake up and realize that things weren’t going to get any better, I **don’t **regard it as time wasted–the life lesson was invaluable. You can also be glad you didn’t come out of this with any long-term baggage (like kids or divorce). You can move on now. And going forward, you’ll be more able to quickly identify poor communicators in future relationships. That’s a *great *skill to have.
And condolences, as well. It’s never easy ending a relationship, even if it wasn’t a good fit.
Actually the lack of good and frequent sex was just one of the many symptoms and not the root cause of the problem. The problem is that she is too self-centered and doesn’t bother to do stuff for me.
Communication was impossible because every time I attempted to get to the root of the problem she would explode and start shouting, crying etc.
I never felt loved in that relationship. Her love towards me was only in the sense of two friends or a brother and sister, it didn’t go any deeper.
Thanks for the update. The sex, as you say, is one of of the symptoms of the problem. It doesn’t seem like she had a lot of respect for you in the first place.
It took so long not because I didn’t want to break free but there were some other circumstances and I had to wait for a while.
What’s rather amusing is that I originally thought things were going better back then and only got really bad sometime in the last few months. But after re-reading my old posts in this thread I just realized that it was the same shitty, one-sided relationship the whole time. In retrospect, I should have left long before the day I wrote that OP.
Man, I’m amazed that you stayed in it that long! And, I’m one to beat a dead horse relationship for a long, long time.
Reading the OP, I was thinking that this woman couldn’t stand your guts, and was waiting for you to bail, just to keep her from having to do it. Then, reading your update, it seems like she…couldn’t stand your guts!
Now, down to the good stuff. You mentioned other circumstances.
Care to share?
Sounds a lot like my ex. We had frequent sex until we got married and then she weaned me right off of it. Suddenly I was doing it wrong and any attempt to have her teach me how to please her was rebuffed. She actually said “You should just know how.” I think she was just not a very sexual person that was willing to use sex as a tool to get what she wanted or as a weapon in our power struggle.
Unless the’s bringing a lot to the table otherwise…now’d be the time to bail.
If you ever run into this situation again, I hope you’ll consider taking it slow and easy. It sounds like you were just totally wrong for each other sexually. She definitely has some issues, but you did not improve things by suggesting bondage and giant vibrators (the rabbit is not for beginners – start small – penetration is not even necessary).
Starting slow involves lots of kissing and foreplay. If she has body issues, let her stay partially clothed, or keep the lights off. You want to do what’s going to make her comfortable and gradually work from there. (the issues with saliva and lube thing is weird though… those are kinda requirements. Unless you’re spitting on her or spraying it all over her?) If you were going to continue with that relationship, you’d definitely need some couples therapy.
I’d advise not taking up with beginners. A new potential partner would have to have her own Hitachi wand for me to consider dating her (if I were in the dating pool, which I’m not).
Agreed. A good rule of thumb, if someone isn’t ready for an adult sexual and romantic relationship, then you shouldn’t be trying to have an adult sexual and romantic relationship with them. Find someone who wants the same things you want.