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You my friend are a healthy and normal man… Since you love her though, you have to stay with her, unless your both young or something. That’s part of growing up though.
Even if there has been something in her past affecting her sexuality, if she wanted to be in a “lover” relationship with this guy, she would clue him in and want to find a solution. For example, when the hand goes on the ass she might say:
“Wait, sorry, let’s stop a moment. I want you to know I’m having a good time and I think you are amazingly sexy. But there are some really good reasons why I can’t be comfortable with anal play. It’s stuff I’m still working out in my own head and with my counseler, and as I figure things out and we build the trust in our relationship I’ll be better able to share. For now, though, I am just going to ask you to trust me and respect this. In the meantime, what do you like about anal sex? Is it the taboo aspect? Great! How about I give you a blow job in the park instead?”
That looks like a healthy relationship. There is communication, trust, an attempt to work on both the long term and immediate problems at hand.
What doesn’t a healthy relationship look like? Wordlessly clenching your ass and going ragdoll without explaination.
Abuse sucks. Trauma sucks. It can really mess up your ability to be a partner in a relationship. It would be nice if sexual abuse victims could all find partners who magically understand their pain and wait with infinite patience through the process. But the reality is that people expect sex in a relationship. If you cannot offer that, you should be able to offer some kind of explaination and an idea of what steps you plan to take to work towards regaining intimicy. Your partner should at least have some idea what to expect. If you cannot offer even that, the unfortunate reality is that you are probably not ready to be in a relationship and even the most caring partner in the world cannot force you to confront what is going on.
An honest conversation might help here. Try saying “Look, I’ve noticed in the past months the quantity and quality of our sex life is going down. You know I love you and care about you, but it makes me worry about the future of our relationship. I worry that the mismatch may keep causing problems for us both. If there is something I should know, I think we have known each other long enough that you can start to let me know what is going on. I love you and I want this to work, and I’ll stand by your side as we work through this. If we are going to thnk about marriage next year, I hope that we can be back to having sex twice a week and starting ti wxplore new things. If that takes counseling, I’ll support you entirely. We will do this together. But please help me understand what is going on and what to expect. Let’s meet up for coffee tommorrow and figure out a plan.”
I think it is always a good idea to include clear expectations of what needs to happen next and what the timeline is. Put out or it’s over is not a fun ultimatum to make, but it is better that she understands your expecations and what she can do. If you can’t work it out with that, it’s probably unsalvageable. If she wnts to be with you, she’ll want to make it work and will be happy to have some ideas on how to solve this problem.
Why? That makes no sense. Why would you have to stay with her, just because you love her? Dude, love is not enough.
It isn’t all you need?
Italics mine. Let this be a learning experience for you–when someone is less sexually responsive than you’d like, pushing forward with something they’re reluctant to do is massively counterproductive.
Yeah, I know, she said yes. A lot of women go along with stuff they don’t want to do to make their partners happy, and continue on far past when they’re happy or comfortable for the same reason. Especially if they know said partner is displeased with them for something else. What can I say? We’re socially conditioned to be nice, to not raise a fuss because it’s probably not all that bad and we’re overreacting, to never make people unhappy or hurt their feelings. And when we don’t hew to that training, we get called names like ball-buster or bitch.
And yes, we all know the whole thing is fucked up beginning to end.
You mean like she’s told you to keep your damn hands the fuck off her ass, or told you she didn’t want to be tied up? :dubious: I don’t know how to break this to you, but a lot of women don’t always mention it when things are uncomfortable or there’s a little tearing because we don’t want to spoil his good time. Especially if there’s already a degree of dissatisfaction on his part–see that whole “be nice, make people happy” thing above.
That’s at least as healthy as continually doing something you know makes your partner tense and unhappy and then wondering why they’re not tearing it up in bed.
That’s a myth from the sixties (they were doing A LOT of drugs then).
According to the Beatles it is.
Dog80,
Could you clarify whether you continue to do things she’s stated she doesn’t like even after she’s said she’s not up for it? Some folks are getting that you are, while I personally don’t recall reading that.
Also, given that most of the feedback seems to touch on proper communication, can you go into greater detail about what happened when you two tried to discuss the matter?
Dog80, ignore these statements…they are not helpful at all to you. This is an opportunity for you to learn more about her as well as yourself. Something is wrong in the relationship, and B.Serum (and even sven on her second post) have been the most insightful; communication needs to be improved between you two to get back what was lost. Get the communication back, then earning trust is possible. You need a neutral third party to help you get the right communication AND boundaries.
Hey, it may or may not work out between the two of you…and NOBODY here knows how this will play out…ignore the statements quoted above because they serve no purpose for someone who has the desire to improve their relationship. If it works out for the two of you…great! If not, then at least you will have learned something from this relationship and be able to apply it on your next relationship with a better understanding and a better chance of succeeding in a long term relationship.
“Cutting your losses and running” will not help you learn what went wrong and how to avoid it on your successive relationships; you’ll probably repeat these issues in other relationships down the road. Take the time and useful advice here and seek a counselor (and also rule out any medical issues that might be present). You’ll both be better off in the long run.
Sometimes the best conversations are had in total darkness. Wait until you’re both relaxed and bring it up. “Hey, there’s something that I need to talk to you about. I love you and I’m glad you’re in my life. But I’m a sexual person and would really like to (have sex, make love, engage in coitus) with you. It seems to me that more often than not, you aren’t into sex at all, or that you’re hot and cold, and it confuses and frustrates me. I need to know what’s going on in your head, what you’re thinking. More than anything, I need to know if it’s me that you’re not into or if it’s sex in general.”
Good luck to you.
HOWEVER, do NOT talk about this right after having sex (or being rebuffed from having sex). A lot of guys do that, and it’s a perfect way to make her feel defensive about it. Bring it up in a neutral time.
Agreed.
Another good place to have important talks is on a long-ish drive.
Depending on who’s driving… 
But if it gets awkward and you wan an out, you don’t really have one…
Agreed. He needs to listen to her. Also, is he working on his finesse? I really think that 6’s whole point was to say that his words seemed rough and crude, which possibly could relate to how much romance, foreplay, and over all style he was trying to use to warm up his partner and get her in the mood to want to have sex with him. Maybe its not indicative, but could it possibly be?
I think that a guy complaining to his friends saying,"Yeah, I do jam my finger up her a few times beforehand. 'Cause I’m a gentleman. She just don’t like ta Put Out. An no matter how I rub at her A-hole, she don’t moan like Jenna Haze. Not. At. All. " is having having a totally different conversation than the one she as having with her girl friends.
Ahhhh, HA HAHA HAHAHA!!!
At least with me this is a formua for disaster. Heavy conversations with massive emotional implications are not for situations where one half of the convo needs to put at least 50% of thier focus on the road.
I had to lay down a few rules about such things because it seemed like things were waiting until just such an opportunity where I was ambushed with them, now that I have no option to avoid it, asking for it to be delayed until later results in 3 hours of thundering silence, and trying to defend yourself emotionally while navigating heavy traffic is both unsafe and ineffective.
Another aspect - OP, do you just seek intimacy with her when you want to have sex with her, or do you kiss her when you come home from work, touch her in non-sexual ways, etc?
To be honest, I think just the opposite is true. As you grow up, you realize you don’t have to be with someone because you love them (in some cases its actually harmful).
I understand this doesn’t apply to all context, but love is only one aspect of a relationship that binds people. You can be separate and love them just the same.