‘The reason I am asking you is because it seems to me that most jealousy is focused on this problem My jealousy is apparently in the sex/stripper kind of problem…’
I think the judgement issue is the same. But the jealousy issue is different. You are comfortable with your man having female friends. But you are not comfortable with your man demonstrating any affinty for strippers. There are some women who would feel actually the opposite.
My guess is that you are pretty common in this area, and perhaps less jealous than many. You just need to find someone whose judgement matches your comfort level, if these issues are critically important.
OK, I’ll try to explain that last thing you quoted…
When I expressed signs of jealousy about strange naked women touching my bf, I was pretty much attacked on this board. Not necessarily in a mean way, but most everyone said that it shouldn’t bother me one single bit, that I should trust his judgement, and not have ANY uncomfortable feelings. BUT, some (not all) of those same people would be livid (or at least a little jealous) of a close relationship with an ex (or other member of the opposite sex).
It really seems to me that there is a little hypocritical reasoning going on here.
So, maybe it’s not that I don’t trust him at a strip bar (which I kept trying to explain) but that I simply get a little jealous (like some would about exs) in some situations (a lap dance) and more jealous with other activities (mud wrestling).
Would it not also mean that I trust him MORE because I don’t have a problem with him seeing exs? I might be uncomfortable with the strippers, but I trust him where it is more of a “test” (I cant’ think of a better term right now).
One thing to consider here is the appearance of impropriety. My wife will do some crazy sexy things every once in a while when we are out together (aforementioned phallic mints eaten from her cleavage) that she would NOT do if she were there without me. When I am there it is seen as fun and open, if I were not there it could very easily be seen as cheating or come-ons. How many marriages were broken up because one partner went back to or never really left an ex? Certainly enough to matter. How many marriages have broken up over a stripper? I’d wager not even a noticable amount. Intimacy is the difference.
There can be standards of appropriate behavior that change from when you are single to when you are part of a couple, and one of those certainly can be avoiding one-on-one, cheek-to-cheek situations with a former lover.
By the way, on preview, you really do live in a Black and White world. Damn. It’s either all or nothing. Your use of
and
[quote]
but most everyone said that it shouldn’t bother me one single bit, that I should trust his judgement, and not have ANY uncomfortable feelings.
[quote]
is disturbing. Please use cut-and-paste and quote someone by name who told you this. Flinging outrageous generalizations does not become you. I call “Bullshit” on you.
‘It really seems to me that there is a little hypocritical reasoning going on here.’
There is no hypocritical reasoning. Just some differences of opinion. There is no right or wrong here. Comfort level about behavior in a relationship is a very individual issue.
If strippers bother you, and it’s important, your SO should understand and adjust if necessary. If your close relationship with ex’s bother your mate, you should adjust as well.
‘Would it not also mean that I trust him MORE because I don’t have a problem with him seeing exs? I might be uncomfortable with the strippers, but I trust him where it is more of a “test” (I cant’ think of a better term right now).’
Level of trust isn’t a contest. It’s just a matter of what is enough for each of you in your relationship. It’s entirely possible that you would not be bothered by his relationship with an ex, yet he would be bothered by yours. Again it is not a matter of who is trusting more, but what elements of trust matter to each of you.
Uncle Bill - ‘How many marriages have broken up over a stripper?’
Am sure much, much less than the ‘ex issue’, but I bet many, many marraiges have suffered over issues like strippers and porn. In her defense, Tster is absolutely trying to strive for a high quality partnership, she’s not looking just for a marriage not to break up. Don’t see anything really wrong with setting different (higher, if that doesn’t offend) standards, as long as her mate can agree.
That was an illustration on why people treat what could be seen as “dating” on the side differently than watching strippers, if both were done with similar frequency. Intimacy and emotional ties are the difference.
Bill, you did a terrible job quoting. I think it’s a pain in the ass & it doesn’t work much of the time but I promise I’ll stop being lazy and try harder, just to please you, since you are so willing to argue with me & I’m having fun.
I was sort of playing devils advocate in that I completely agree that two people can decide together that there should be limits on how much contact there is with exs. For instance, my bf sees his exs (dinner, drinks, etc every few months) but I told him I didn’t think that it would be appropriate for her to drop by his house at 11:00 at night which she did one night (he does not live with me, don’t forget) and he agreed with me. I know they are just friends. I was not imagining anything bad happening, believe it or not, because I trust him and how much he loves me. I did think it was inappropriate.
I also think that there can be these same limits (dare I say boundaries) that can be compromised on regarding contact with naked women (ie, no mud wrestling) without being controlling.
Does everyone still think I’m controlling? Or extremely jealous? Or manipulative? To the point where it’s so damaging to my relationship that I might as well give up now? (like I was told)
In fact, I think we are all some of these to a degree, it’s part of life.
‘Does everyone still think I’m controlling?’
From what I’ve read, yes.
‘Or extremely jealous?’
No. What you are jealous of would be the same as ms. dogman. Mind you we do not have the experience of ex’s. but we definately have other friends of the opposite sex.
‘Or manipulative?’
Well maybe. But, so what. Ms. dogman and I attempt to influence each other’s behavior quite a bit through subversive means. She is much better at this than I. For the most part it works to our mutual benefit. Whatever works.
’ To the point where it’s so damaging to my relationship that I might as well give up now? (like I was told)’
Your b/f hasn’t given up, why should you? It doesn’t matter what anyone on this board thinks about your relationship.
Having said that, I believe that your writing style leads people to believe you are far more ‘black and white’ than you really are. You tend to use absolutes when your mean generalities and vice versa. I’ve seen this more because I’ve seen more of your posts than others here. I’m very sure you use a different tactic with your b/f, or he understands what I’ve expressed here.
Controlling huh? Like someone here mentioned (SORRY I don’t want to find the quote!) - even having to ask your wife if she has made plans for the two of you for dinner (because someone from work wanted to go out for a few drinks after) is somewhat being controlled by her. You are not 100% free to make your own decisions. Sometimes your decisions are controlled by your wife (I’m sure there have been a few social events over the years that you really did not want to attend).
Do you mean this kind of controlling? Or bad controlling. It’s kind of funny because I have been with men who have been easy to control (ie, they’ve had a very weak will as opposed to mine) but one of the great things about my current bf is his incredibly strong will. I’m sure he would highly disagree that he was being controlled by me in any way (I’m sure he would joke that it’s the other way around).
Crap. I just noticed that I say “as opposed to” a lot too. Thanks Bill, because of you I’ve learned today that I need to expand my vocabulary (at least on this board).
‘It’s kind of funny because I have been with men who have been easy to control (ie, they’ve had a very weak will as opposed to mine) but one of the great things about my current bf is his incredibly strong will.’
To me, this comment indicaates that you can be very controlling given the opportunity. The tone of many of your posts indicate this as well. Whether that is good or bad, depends on the target.
Your comment also demonstrates you have a high degree of respect for your current b/f. As I’m sure you heard me say before, respect is a two-way street. You have to give some to get it. Am sure he respects you quite a bit. You probably have a very good relationship.
I’ve always believed the words like ‘controlling’ and ‘manipulation’ are just negative connotation of words like ‘influence’. People who use controlling in a negative tone just don’t like to be inlfuenced.
Being influenced by people you respect is not necessarily a bad thing. What people on the outside of that relationship thinks matters little, if it works for you.
A waiter? No, but only because it’s not his (her) job. A schoolteacher, or a nurse, or a doctor, or a day-care worker, on the other hand… well, thousands of parents trust their children to strangers like these every day.
Could we be talking about different kinds/levels of trust here? For instance, you might trust that daycare worker to watch your child for the day but would you leave that child with them (without never having met them before) for a week straight? I mean, you REALLY don’t know this person at all. You don’t know about their morals or their discipline techniques. So, for a day, with the proper credentials, you feel they’re safe. However, I would not leave my child with a perfect stranger for an entire week (including overnight) because the trust hasn’t built up that much.
The same goes for a date. On your first date, you are trusting that they are not going to rape or kill you when the night is over. But would you go on a weekend trip out of town with this same stranger? I agreed when someone said they trusted everyone until they gave them reason not to trust them (was that you?). But not completely trust. Not the same trust you feel when you are engaged or married 20 years.