Dope about bachelor parties

In My Humble Opinion
81

Whenever asked about what took place at a past bachelor party I’ve attended or a future one that is being planned, the answer always involves wild tales of drinking and wild sex with 5-woman teams of dominatrix prostitutes. What really takes place? Well, at the ones I’ve attended so far:

A day at the paintball field

An evening hanging out at a funeral home (owned by the groom’s family - convenient location for a gathering) drinking beer, watching movies, and talking about old times.

An evening of bar hopping.

Another evening of bar hopping.

A night at the strip club, with a pretty tame lap dance for the groom-to-be.

All activities that were known to be unoffensive to the respective brides-to-be. But is that what we told the ladies we were up to? Heck, no. That defeats one of the main purposes of the bachelor party. Among other things, a bachelor party is a way to find out just how much a bride really trusts her fiance. If you get down to the week before your wedding, and your bride can’t trust you to know right from wrong on the night of your bachelor party, you can look forward to a nice, controlling marriage, where the wifey never lets you out of her sight.

Ladies, some of you seem to think that a perfectly nice, trustworthy guy can be magically transformed into a cheating jackass by the magical powers of a bachelor party, or that somehow his friends can push him into misbehaving. The truth is, if he was a jackass at the bachelor party, he was a jackass before the bachelor party. If you really trust your man, ignore the wild bullshit tales about other guys’ parties – even if they’re true (and most times, they’re not), that’s some other guy, not your man. And if you don’t trust him, why are you marrying him in the first place?

Translation: you don’t trust him. “Honey, you’re too weak-willed to behave yourself in the face of peer pressure” is nothing like trust. Also, statements like the one you made above only help jackasses to continue cheating. “Oh, it’s not my fault – my friends/alcohol/subliminal TV advertising/Satan made me do it.” If your fiance is weak-willed enough to let his friends or alcohol push him to cheat on you, he will cheat on you without those things. If your fiance has those kinds of friends that would push for such activities, he’s probably that kind of jackass to begin with.

Your definition of trust is faulty. “I trust you – as long as I’ve examined every detail of the activities you wish to engage in and found them suitably tempation-free” is nothing like real trust. No matter how many times you state that you trust him and you’re not the controlling type of person, your questions and concerns prove otherwise. The truth is one of three things: a) you are a controlling person, b) you haven’t known him long enough to develop real trust, or c) your boyfriend is not as trustworthy as you would like to believe, and you are sensing it but not yet fully admitting it. If the wild tales are true and his friends really have had sex with hookers at bachelor parties and seem to find that kind of behavior acceptable, I would bet on your boyfriend being not so trustworthy – jackasses tend to hang out with jackasses.

Then again, if your issue isn’t with your boyfriend specifically, but with a belief that most men will turn into evil pigs based on bachelor party lore, than you have a real control-freak problem. That’s not an insult or a flame – it’s just a personality aspect you can acknowledge and work on to become a better mate. We all have our flaws, and admitting them is an important part of correcting them.

82

Interesting thread. I like to think I’m not a prude, and if I were dating a guy who liked to go to strip clubs I’d figure that was his business, but something has always bothered me about the whole bachelor party concept. Browsing through some of the posts here, I think I’ve finally put my finger on it.

In other words, we have bachelor parties because the people involved view marriage as the end of fun, freedom, and self-hood. But why the hell would someone who felt that way get married in the first place (except for obviously wrong reasons, like societal expectations or emotional blackmail from the prospective partner)? It’s unfair to the partner – who the hell wants to be married to someone who is always going to perceive them as a ball and chain? – and even more unfair to one’s self.

If you don’t want to get married, for God’s sake don’t get married.

83

[Homer Simpson Voice]

MMmmmmmmmmmm

Beer Boobs and cigars…

Gaaaaarrrrrllgghhhhhh…

[/Homer Simpson Voice]

Bullshiznits! Face it. You dont trust your husband that completely and still doubt him. Theres a small nagging percentile in the back of your emotional brain that says he will do something with loose wimmen and you just know it!

The Bachelor party IS a rite of passage. It is the very last official nite that he has full and complete use of his balls. After he’s married, he signs those off to his wife and that is that! Now technically, the penis was already signed away at the engagement and any good groom would participate in the festivities but not partake. The rite of passage is actually to show the groom what he will be missing and the right answer should be He is willing to miss it because he loves his wife so. Any man who pressures a groom to be into sex (including the groom) is not fit to be married. However, he is not the wife’s property yet and until that time, she should not be making any “edicts” or “demands” prior to her official ownership of said balls.

Those wives who have doubts about their husbands straying have the bachelor parties as the least of their problems. In fact it should be a test. Any groom who doesnt want to get you in bed on your honeymoon shouldnt have married you. Things such as trust should have been ironed out way before getting married.

84

That is such a typical guy thing to say I laughed out loud when I read it.

I don’t recall saying I didn’t trust my bf to know right from wrong. My point was that he might not realize what I consider “right” and “wrong”. Some women would be perfectly fine with a mudwrestling match. I wouldn’t.

So what’s your point? That I should trust that he won’t have sex with a woman? I do. That I should trust that he wouldn’t get a blowjob from another woman? I do.

Perhaps my point is that the whole attitude I’m getting here from a lot of you men is:

  1. A guy is a pussy if he respects his wife’s wishes (IT’S NOT ABOUT TRUST, how many times can I say that?)
  2. Many friends here would encourage their bachelor friends to lie to their brides for the sake of his poor friends, or else he’s a pussy
  3. A guys’ friends opinions and wishes are much more important than the woman he’s sharing his life with.
  4. If a woman, for any reason, has issues with some things that happen at bachelor parties (a few pretty terrible ones were mentioned above), then she is a jealous control freak.

Did I pretty much sum it up?

If you recall, my initial question was why these were still so common. The attitude above is some of the reason. The thing is, back in the old days, women kind of put up with everything (including drunks & beatings) and stayed married to losers because it was what you did. Now, we are allowed to have a say in many aspects of our relationship without being labeled a bitch. Unfortunately, this thinking is not common enough.

Some of the answer seems to be that times are changing a bit. I didn’t realize there were so many other types of bachelor parties and men who don’t care enough about the sex portion to cause their woman any grief.

Like I said, just because I don’t want him wrestling with nude women doesn’t mean that I would control him OR that I don’t trust him. (Just because my bf doesn’t want me to spend all of my excess spending money on shoes, doesn’t mean that he is a control freak).

(I hope I did that quote thing right)

85

Wow, this is a seriously messed up point of view. I really hope you’re not married.

Yes, you’re exactly right. This is exactly what all of us are saying.

86

Right of passage my ass (tell that to the guy in the bus). Selfish.

87

Please. Any single friend immediately sees a significant personality change in a married man. Not that its forced on him, its the choice hes made. If you doubt me re-read the “rules” listed above. All of them are all about the wife and how the husband must obey. Where are the wifes concerns about her husband’s feelings?

If the reasons mentioned above were valid, then I suspect the problem lies far deeper than just a bachelor party, nor will it end there.

88

Huh? Husband must obey? Where are the wife’s concerns about his feelings?

It all goes both ways. I have already said that I would not want him embarrassed in front of his friends. I just would expect him to respect my boundaries. It’s not about obeying, geez. It’s about respect and love.

89

This is why you choose the right person to marry. Any guy who gets married thinking “well, might as well say goodbye to my balls, the fun part of my life is over” is a frickin’ idiot.

90

Then maybe you should set a different set of boundaries. One more related to your relationship than a test of his willingness to abide by your wishes and concerns.

Tell him he can go to a bar and strip club and/or have hookers for his friends but he is not to touch any of the women there or use any foreign object to touch them with. Look but no touch is a better guideline for his last hurrah. Afterall, he is be giving all of that up just to be with you. Trust him enuf to take his word that he followed your request but let him know that if you find out otherwise, he is out the door no questions asked. and let him now there are no statute of limitations.

91

Well if you put it that way then it sounds really awfull but its not the way it works either.

A good husband gives up all of those things by choice. He doesnt think the “fun parts of his life” are over because he is replacing it with a new life that he thinks is better for them. He will say his “singles fun times are over” but he would have no regrets about that if he marries the right person. He gives up his individuality to be become one with his mate. He must now compromise, adjust, give in, put out and all of that with love in his heart. He does this to be with the one he loves.

On the outside, he lost his balls. In his heart, he knows it was worth it.

92

I don’t believe that is what I had in mind. I certainly don’t want to test anything.

I really don’t want to tell him what he can or can not do. I want to express to him how I would feel about certain things. Sure, I would prefer if he wouldn’t go. But I would *consider his feelings * too and not make him feel like I am making unreasonable demands.

Is this controlling? Is this freakishly jealous behavior???

93

Awwww.

94

I’d dispute the “fun” part, but marriage by definition is the end of “self-hood”, and the associated freedom of that, for both partners.

Consider: I’m at work at 4:55pm on Friday. My co-workers ask me if I want to go out with them for dinner and catch a movie.

  1. If I’m single, I can say “sure!” and be done with it.
  2. If I’m married, I might have to decline, or call my wife to check if she has plans, or whatever. At a minimum, I should call her to let her know I won’t be home as expected.

And the thing is, if it was my wife in that situation and not me, she’d have the same limitations. I do not know of one successful marriage where the spouses can do whatever they want on a whim, not make any contact with their partner, and face no consequences from it.

“Ball and chain” is a loaded term. Just because getting married gives you a partner who’s concerned about your whereabouts and well-being does not automatically translate into marriage as a prison sentence. It’s just an extra level of consideration you have to deal with.

95

no, it means youre normal like the rest of us. Let him know you have issues about him going to someplace where he may be led astray. Let him know what you said right here, you would prefer he didnt go but you dont want to tell him what to do (but that kinda sounds like a sneaky way to tell him not to go there) Just let him know how you feel and trust him to do the right thing. Whatever he decides to do, trust that he has only you in his heart.

You may not be in his mind 100% of the time but you have all of the body parts that count.

96

It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Is telling him how I feel a sneaky way of telling him not to go?

When we had the discussion about his occasional strip club visits, I told him flat out… I don’t like when you go. I sit up at night and imagine the scene you’re looking at and it hurts (can’t help how I feel, perhaps going with him once will help). He seemed very bothered about it. He didn’t want me to hurt and yet he didn’t want to be the guy that has to always say no to his friends. I understand his feelings which is why I encouraged him to go if the situation warranted it (I trust his judgement and his ability to not take advantage) but there is no way I can stop how I feel and I also won’t lie about it.

Is this sneaky or honesty? Should women lie about it bothering them? Should men lie about what women do that bother them?

97

Fair points, rjung, but did you read the post I quoted? If a prospective groom seriously thinks about marriage as something that’s going to turn him into “a flabby broken shell of his former self,” I think there’s something pretty seriously askew.

98

I dont think it is unreasonable that an engaged woman tell her fiance that he shouldnt be touching any other woman prior to his marriage to said engaged woman. Marriage is a contract. There are certain rules and proprieties that must be followed for a union to remain intact and your relationship started way before this marriage was set.

99

I agree with you X 100%. But it shouldn’t come off as telling him what to do. I don’t want to be told I can’t go dancing with my friends (which I like to do once in a while). If he told me, you can’t go, it would not go over well. If he sat down with me and we had a serious discussion about why it would bother him, I would make the decision whether or not to respect his wishes. If his wishes were unreasonable a lot of the time (like my ex-husband… he was a real jealous freak) then I would reconsider the union (damn, if only I was this levelheaded when I was 21).

100

I’ll play the armchair psychologist and you can take my advice for what its worth (free)

I would say both of you have issues about him going to a stripclub.

He doesnt think anything of it but doesnt want to let go of his single friends and thus not be part of their single life. It could be he has difficulty leaving that part behind. Self esteem problems maybe about not seeming like a wuss or being pussywhipped.

You have issues with your imagination beating you up. What you imagine is probably way worse than it really is. It could be a self esteem issue, since he seems to go there and enjoy himself instead of doing it with you? It could be a trust issue, coz you may imagine him doing things you may not like him to do.

Unless he brings one home or talks to them on the phone, this is just a fantasy. The most potent fantasies are the ones you cant get. They are safe and trouble free.

so dig deep into yourself. Why are you bothered by him going to a stripclub? be honest with yourself, just what exactly is bad about it. Dont judge yourself at all or reason it out. Why do you feel bad?
<loong pregnant pause…>
or you can take another route and have a girls night out when he goes out with his boys. It’ll take your mind off what you think he’s doing. If He can go to a strip club without you, then its only fair you can go anywhere you want without him. An occasional separation nite is actually recommended by some marriage councilors. emphasis occasional.