Note I did not say it would be fascinating to know what Tster thinks her boyfriend’s friends think of her.
It was what I was I was told by my bf & his friends. However, I am not a mind reader.
For anything else you have said you totally made me think you are completely nuts two pages back when you said “all single guys who go to a nude beach are perverts”
Nude beaches don’t have a damned thing to do with sex and if you think they do you need deep deep therapy perhaps that is the real issue. There is nothing wrong with the naked body. It is beautiful. I have raised my children on nude beacches for God’s sake does that make me a pedofile? Oh and BTW - I am single too so I must be a pervert, I still love to sunbathe nude.
Chill out mipiace. I said that was my initial reaction but that going with my bf (after discussing it on this board) changed my opinion. He did admit that the entire reason for his going years ago for the first time was to look at naked women, with SEX in mind. He later realized it was not about that. Now I know too.
I was ATTEMPTING to explain how, in the past, I have been openminded enough to see another opinion and therefore, mine ended up changing.
I liked to sunbathe nude, too.
Okay…freaked me out a little. I raised my kids to be really open with their bodies. Sorry for the hijack. Back to the strippers and blowjobs and naughty boys before their wedding days!!! 
This is a fascinating thread. Tster, I am sure I’m not the only one confused here, and I have to revisit what Zhen’ka mentioned above. Now bear in mind that I am a guy, married, and my wife has minimal problems with my going to a strip club once or twice a year with the guys.
When I go, I am exchanging money for entertainment. It is a business transaction. There is no emotional involvement. There is no sex. I suspect this is the case at the vast majority of bachelor parties, judging by my experience and the anecdotal evidence shared here.
I have to question the moral equivalence of going dancing with your ex. Prior emotional involvement? Prior sex? There’s a lot of baggage to carry here. You’re not a mind reader after all.
Frankly if I had to choose between which was the “safer” option here, the strip club wins hands down.
I am going dancing with my ex because I consider him a true friend (which is much more important than strange strippers) and his friendship means a lot to me. There is no chance of anything happening at all and no baggage (my boyfriend understands this).
Think of it this way, which would be more unfair to do to a spouse, 1) prevent them from seeing strange naked women or 2) put an end to a dear friendship? Personally, if it meant that much, I would do either.
If you trust your mate, you trust them. Period. However, I do understand a spouse not being comfortable with that dancing scenario and their mate should understand their feelings (even though they are NOT based on trust) and act accordingly.
I’m saying that feelings, the trust, the discomfort about a situation… my examples are similar in that way. You guys have no earthly idea how women can be uncomfortable about strippers and still trust their man. I’m trying to help you understand from my perspective.
It’s not about safety. Both situations are safe if each person is trustworthy and honest.
One other thing… regarding emotional involvement… women look at things much more emotionally then men. Just because it’s how you men think about strippers, it doesn’t affect our feelings one bit. So, you’re saying that women can’t/shouldn’t have hurt feelings because it’s how you feel?
I would not want my girlfriend hanging out with one of her exes. Even if I trust her, I don’t know the ex’s motivation. If she insisted that they are just good friends and she will continue to see him, I would dump her. Why would I dump her? Because I wouldn’t be able to trust her.
Maybe you can see the problem in that paragraph. You trust your boyfriend. You don’t want him to watch strippers because you can’t control the strippers. However, the strippers cannot make your boyfriend do something he isn’t willing to do. Hence, you do not trust your boyfriend. Do him a favor and dump him now.
So it all boils down to the point where you trust your SO completely, but you just dont trust the filthy conniving slut whore dancing naked. That that would imply that if anything did happen, your SO was powerless against the wiles and charms of professional dancer and that he bears no responsibilities for being manipulated to follow his natural animal tendencies.
All male dopers, can i get a “Yeah…riiiight”
Thats like having complete faith in a bullet proof vest but no faith in the bullet.
the best thing to do really is to tell him exactly what your feelings are and give him a reason he can understand. If you go “its just a feeling I have” then he has no good answer and would do as you say for the sake of the relationship.
what it comes down to is that you should be honest with yourself and find out what exactly bothers you about female strippers. Go past the obvious and get to the core. Best thing to do is to go there. You had preconceived notions about nude beaches that were put aside once you saw what really goes on. The same may happen at the strip club. It may just be your imgaination getting the better of you. Bring friends, make a night of it. as a joke, whisper in his ear and ask him how would he react if you did that for just for him at home.
This is a lame excuse. The ex’s motivation has NOTHING to do with it. You’re just making excuses because you wouldn’t feel comfortable with the situation! What if your wife told you that he was a trustworthy and respectible guy? Do you not trust her judgement? Come on, these were the same reasons you gave me before.
If it makes a difference (which it shouldn’t), my bf has contact with more than one ex and I’m ok with it (there are boundaries we’ve agreed upon, of course).
Face it, he’s not jealous kind of guy and therefore he trusts me. You apparently are jealous and don’t trust her COMPLETELY (this is what I was told before… that if I didn’t trust his judgement, I didn’t trust him). Or, maybe it just rubs you the wrong way. That’s ok.
I do agree that he should dump me if he had a real problem with it and I ignored his wishes (HELLO, this is precisely what is happening with men going to strip clubs against their woman’s wishes). I would NEVER EVER do something that made him THAT uncomfortable and I WOULD NOT accuse him of not trusting me or trying to control me.
“…ask him how would he react if you did that for just for him at home.” I don’t have to ask, I have seen the reaction.
It’s not about trusting the dancer. It’s about not wanting her to touch him or him touch her. How is this not reasonable?
I have told him what my feelings are w/ a valid reason that he understood and we are basically ok with this.
I think I see at least part of your point. Correct me if I am wrong, but you are saying that sexual situations have more emotional impact for you, and perhaps many women, than they do for most guys. Where a guy sees just good clean fun, you see something damaging to you emotionally.
Yet by the same token, you’re not troubled by the impact of your innocently seeing someone you had a prior relationship with. Because according to you it’s just friends. Just how sure are you that your ex feels this way? How sure are you that your current bf really is ok with this?
If you’re all fine with it, then everyone go have some fun. Just remember that 1+1+1 !=2
He is ok with it. He is not afraid to speak his mind and he has a very strong character (he would have to in order to put up with me, huh?).
Thank you for at least trying to understand.
Trust me, all of you, I really really try to understand my issues with strippers. To me, it’s some sort of breach of the intimacy between my bf & I and he understands to a degree. He has told me it’s all in clean fun and I understand to a degree. Do we have to feel exactly the same way about everything or should we at least listen and try to understand?
a hijack question:
Do you get mad at him for checking out other (clothed) women? I know thats a big no-no to all relationships especially when youre together but if you think about it, he looks at other women all the time. You may have ownership of certain vital body organs but it still functions automatically based on visual stimuli (for men) The look is the temptation. The fact that he doesnt do anything about after the look is his affirmation to be with you.
Tom Jones was at a stage in Las Vegas one night and he was really whippng up the women into a frenzy. He was doing his best to really stir up the women at the front rows when he suddenly realized this huge biker dude up in front with his wife. A little apprehensive, Tom goes, “peace mate, its just a show, this is my act.”
the guy just smiles at Tom. He says, “hey man, dont worry about it. You pump up the tires and I’ll ride the bike.”
Tster,
What exactly is your perspective on strippers/stripping? I asked you earlier in the thread what your opinion is. What I have read is that you think that strippers are “whores” and “skanks” and that what they do can be compared to being a murderer, drug dealer or thief. So, please elaborate so that we may understand why you dislike it.
You say that you know that your man would not sleep with a stripper, so what exactly bothers you?
Many women think that strippers/strip clubs are bad. Some of the reasons I’ve heard include:
**they exploit women
**they objectify women
**they promote an unrealistic/unhealthy body image
**they detract from real emotional/sexual intimacy
**they lower property values (not the strippers, the clubs–especially if you live in an area with weird zoning laws)
I am sure that there are many more reasons to dislike strippers/strip clubs. What are your reasons? If you respond that they are like criminals, please explain your reasoning.
It sounds like you are just uncomfortable with the possibility that your man might be aroused by another woman. If this is the case, you really need to understand that it’s a pretty good bet that he will be/is aroused by other women.
It could be some woman he sees on the street, the woman who pours him coffee at the cafe, some woman in a nude magazine, a fantasy woman he imagines while masturbating…
We all do this. It doesn’t take away from our relationships, it doesn’t betray our partners.
I don’t want to misunderstand you, but if this is the reason, then you need to understand that it is not the strippers you need to concern yourself with.
Please know that I wrote the above with a genuine interest in understanding your perspective. I mean to imply no disrespect.
Take care.
I don’t think strippers are like theives or murderers. I was attempting to explain my definition before.
My perspective (which I have tried to explain) is that when you are in a serious relationship, I think sex should be with those two people. Looking at other women spread their legs in front of him is sort of cheating on me in an intimate and emotional level… to me. I realize that some couples take the opposite approach and share their bodies with many others and I won’t judge them for that.
I don’t own him or any part of him but I want him to “forsake all others” when it comes to sex. Him looking at a pretty girl is not exactly the same as him having her stick her tits an inch away from his face. Do you at least understand this?
Thank you for not being mean in your response like others here.
Nope, you don’t have to feel the same way. Sounds like you and your mate have an understanding. I imagine your b/f is quite fond of you.
Part of the reason for that may be that you are far more cirsumspect when talking about this (and other sex related) issues with him, than you are on a message board.
The above quote indicates you at least can find compromise with your b/f. That message appears to be lost on your other posts here.
I agree that the example is extreme. However, that’s what I have to work with – I limit my arguments to my own personal experiences, which I have shared, or to other posts in this thread. Hearsay, uncited posts on other message boards, stories from a friend of a friend, etc., don’t add much to a conversation.
I made no such comparison. I made a statement that a woman’s concerns regarding her fiance’s bachelor party tended to be an indicator as to how controlling she will be as a wife. You attacked my statement and me personally by stereotyping me as a typical male (as if that’s a bad thing) and saying the statement made you laugh out loud. Therefore I backed up the statement with real-life examples.
However, if I did choose to make such a comparison, it wouldn’t be entirely off-base. Extremely jealous behavior (calling during the party) leading to an extremely controlling relationship (you can’t even play cards with your friends in our own home while I watch at the birthday party thrown in your honor) would tend to support that moderately jealous behavior (getting all worried over a future event that may not ever even take place) will lead to a moderately controlling relationship. I wouldn’t call it rock-solid proof but it is very relevent supporting data.
You continue to claim that you do not dictate his behavior. You also continue to state that as his girlfriend, you have a right to tell him not to engage in activity X until you have had the opportunity to examine activity X in detail to determine it’s suitability for his participation, or to tell him that if he engages in activity X then you intend to engage in activity Y, which you know he doesn’t like. That is, in my opinion, a very clear-cut attempt to dictate his behavior.
I appreciate your interest in the communication issues between me and my significant other (there isn’t one). However, I did not start a thread to discuss my trust issues regarding hypothetical future situations I may encounter someday with my significant other, nor have volunteered any information about suspicious activities my non-existent significant other chooses to engage in or how I feel about and attempt to deal with those activities. Call me wacky, but IMHO that leaves you a little shy of data by which to judge the communication skills of me and my non-existent significant other.
The reason I think you are completely closed minded has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t agree with me. Pretty much when you make a statement such as “You have trust issues” to someone, you can pretty much expect that they won’t agree with you. The point isn’t to make them agree with you – it’s to plant a seed in their mind, so that the next time an uncomfortable situation comes up (I can’t believe my boyfriend chose to buy such a nice birthday gift for his female coworker!), they might consider that the problem is their own issues with trust rather than actual wrongdoing on someone else’s part.
The real reason why I do believe you are completely closed-minded is very simple. You began this thread with an assumption (bachelor parties are terrible events where all kinds of naughtiness takes place). A few replies made statements supporting your original assumption, and half of those replies were based on “a story from a friend” or some such second-hand information. Far, far more replies made statements that were completely contradictory to your original assumption, and the majority of those statements were claims of actual, first-hand experience. Then, you summed up the data from all of these posts and somehow came to the conclusion that “Ahh, my original assumption is true.” That is why I feel that you are completely closed-minded.
I don’t know you, nor do I claim to. I am, however, very familiar with the statements that you’re making – the dodgy definitions of trust, the rationalizations that attempt to equate manipulative behavior with compromise, the claim that being someone’s SO makes you responsible for poking into every last detail of every activity your honey chooses to engage in. I’m familiar with them because my 2nd serious girlfriend used to make statements just like them, right before I dumped her (twice) for being a control freak.
Gee, thanks. Oddly enough (especially since you appear to have meant this statement as an insult to me personally), this is the statement from your post that I most agree with. I entered this discussion to defend the tradition of bachelor parties, to shed a little light on what goes on at real bachelor parties, and to point out that in my experience, it’s only untrusting, control-freak women that tend to have a real serious issue with worrying about what their men are up to at real-life bachelor parties. Now instead of discussing the OP I’m defending myself from personal attacks and arguing over the definition of phrases such as “dictate his behavior.” No substance, indeed.
;j ;j ;j ;j Where’s the hookers? ;j ;j ;j ;j
Actually, this is where you and I differ. I’d worry more about him checking out pretty girls—I dunno, seems like that’s a more “active” type of thing. That girl would be more of a “threat” in that she’s real and available.
Having a stripper put her breasts in my SO’s face is something that seems a bit more passive–especially if he’s out with his buddies and they’re all clapping, cheering, encouraging. He’s doing it to have some fun.
I think this is the difference between single and coupled guys. The single guys have the choice to take the experience anywhere they want it to go–lap dance, chat with the dancer, sexual encounter…
It’s been my experience that the guy who knows that he has a woman at home who loves and trusts him just doesn’t want to have some random woman’s “parts” in his face. He might do it because it’s part of the experience, but it’s mostly for the reaction from his friends.
Anyway, I think it would be good for you to go and check it out. The most fun is just watching the other people–couples and singles alike. The best dancers are the ones who know that it’s all just a little bit of harmless fun. In my experience, they will be respectful to you–will not engage in any kind of activity (be it lap dancing or just wiggling closely next to your man) if they can’t sense that you are comfortable with it.
Good luck and have some fun with it!