Just because you had to try harder doesn’t mean that having a baby is not the unexpected outcome of having unprotected sex. No matter what excuse people want to give (It was just that one time, we had a few drinks, blah blah), if they have unprotected sex, they are trying for a baby because that’s how babies happen.
What did he want before you were pregnant? Before conception?
No, they’re not trying for a baby, any more than someone who rides a motorcycle without a helmet is trying to become an organ donor. They’re taking their chances. Trying for a baby means they are actively trying to get pregnant–paying attention to fertile periods and timing intercourse appropriately, etc.
As for the OP, I’m seriously :dubious: when someone comes in talking about what a lazy irresponsible asshole their ex is and that’s why they’re divorced but then try to claim that everything was all peaches and cream up until xyz point when ex did a sudden Jekyll and Hyde 180 and became World’s Biggest Asshole. I mean, really. There were almost certainly other signs of this guy being a jerk long before this baby happened. Whether the OP was blind to them or chose to ignore the signs she saw, I don’t know and don’t too awful much care. Either way, I have zero sympathy for someone who marries somebody they know, or should know, is an asshole when they come whining about how that person is an asshole.
I do feel bad for the kid, though. She deserves a Mom with better taste in partners, and a better Dad all the way around.
Anything anyone says on the internet, ANYthing, can only show one side of the story, ever. You’d think people would know that and deal with it, and at least be able to say, “Well, if the situation is true as described, yep, he may be a jerk.” I went through a rough marriage and divorce and I swear every time I posted anything about it, there was always a small contingent of posters responding with, “Sure, that’s what YOU say, but we don’t KNOW, do we? Huh? HUH?” The insinuation being, of course, that I was one of Those Women who lie and fabricate in order to make men look bad. Unfortunately, lying and fabricating isn’t always necessary to make someone look bad.
Well, yes, you don’t know every detail of the situation. I don’t know that anyone is who they say they are, I have no idea who is (actually) a man, woman, adult, or troll here or anywhere else. I don’t know if the OP has a legitimate point, and I haven’t a clue if someone like curlcoat can even possibly be serious about some of that blather. Whatever. No one has to believe anything. Why bother commenting if your basic response is that the OP MUST be making it all up?
Not really related to the OP except tangentially, I suppose, but damn. I get sick of relationship threads being a forum for people to bash the OP for not showing all sides of a story. If anyone thinks he is entirely objective when complaining about his partner, he’s deluding himself. Gah. I’m going to go take some deep breaths now.
Why the hell are so many people making excuses for the ex. Someone should introduce him to a pen and calendar. “OH! Look here! My birthday falls on one of the 52 days a year that I am scheduled to spend a modicum of time with the child I brought into the world!” For fuck’s sake, how hard is it to look ahead a little and realize that you have a conflict? But hey, we wouldn’t want to cramp poppa’s style. I am sure he is totally committed the other 255 hours of the year he sees the child. :rolleyes:
Pretending that you aren’t aware that sex makes babies isn’t taking a chance, it’s willful ignorance. It’s trying for a baby even if they can’t bring themselves to admit it.
It’s not one day. It’s his ONLY day. And it’s not “the kid,” it’s HIS kid. She raises their child the other 6 days. What is she had plans on the day he was supposed to take the child? Or is she not allowed to have a life outside of being a single parent?
If he really wanted a day to celebrate anything, the appropriate thing to do is to pick up the phone and ask if he could swap for another day.
I’ve actually seen it called “not NOT trying”. Doing nothing to actively prevent it but not sitting around every day talking about how much you want to have a baby and then timing sex accordingly.
And yet again, how do we know he DIDN’T call and ask? I mean really, he could have very well said ‘look I want to do x with my parents/friends on my birthday can we switch days?’ and she said no. Maybe they made the plans without asking and he then had to ask and she still said no. We don’t know this.
I’ve had the same kind of crap happen to me. I want to make a change and she bitches and tells people I don’t want to be with my kids. I saw it from my mother too. It seems to me that if a woman bitches about the guy he’s an asshole, yet if a guy complains he should just take it and be glad he’s getting any time with his own kid.
Hell I just went through it today. I wanted MORE time with my children during the week. The best time for me is Wednesday. I was told by the mediator that my ex doesn’t want Wednesday, it’s either Tuesday or Thursday take it or leave it. My ex is also moving 25 minutes away, she doesn’t have to meet me half way, I have to drive as ‘25 minutes isn’t far’ to be with my children. I’m sacrificing as much as possible to be with my kids, yet I still get called an asshole.
So again I have no idea what kind of bullshit restrictions the OP is putting on the dad. She could be a controlling bitch and makes his 5 hours a week so difficult that he didn’t want to deal with it on his birthday. And until you know what kind of pain and heartbreak he’s going through then the pile on is bullshit. Hell maybe he wanted more days and the OP refused.
Edward, you have my sympathy because you are clearly going through a really difficult time with your visitation. If you start a pit thread based on what you just told us, I’d chime in on your side of the argument. But you’re forgetting that we know no more about the veracity of your story than we about the OP’s. We may accept it or not, but it would get very tiresome to you, when you know the Real Story, to be constantly accused of lying in order to make your ex look bad…especially if you are telling the truth.
You’re projecting here. The OP does not appear to be your ex, and it’s unfair to assign your ex’s motives to anyone other than your ex.
We don’t know if it was a last minute cancellation since that bit of information came later after some folks started to question the OP. Also, the kid isn’t old enough to really grasp what a birthday is and certainly not old enough to have made a card. The OP should quit trying to force her ex into a role he obviously isn’t equipped to fill before the kid is old enough to understand what is going on.
Well, with that logic, I guess every time I have unprotected sex, I must be trying for an abortion, huh?
Don’t be a twit. “Trying for a baby” indicates intent - babies that happen by accident because a couple had sex without protection or without enough protection, and it happened to be the wrong time of month to do it are not trying to get the woman pregnant. They are just having sex; the intent is fun, not reproduction.
I know New Jersey was, and maybe still is backwards - did they ever get rid of that law that said a woman had to have written permission from her husband to get sterilized? That doesn’t mean that you get to decide that accidental pregnancy must equal trying for a baby.
Apparently we are not going to get any answers to those questions.
Unless I was obviously being sarcastic, I was serious. Simply because you don’t agree with it doesn’t make it blather, tho it’s kind of ironic that you threw that into a post about no one knowing the whole story.
Doesn’t really matter because his responsibility lies with his child no matter what his relationship is with his ex. Sunday is his night to have custody of his child. That means that if his wife is uncooperative in moving the day, he should move his birthday plans around to accommodate his custody arrangement. That is what adults do. That is what parents do. That is what his ex-wife does the OTHER 6 days of the week.
IOW, boo fucking hoo that it’s your birthday. You have a child and you need to be the grown-up.
And there’s the trump card, “your responsibility is the kid, no matter what.” That’s how we get these fucking precious little snow flakes.
So what happens when she asks to switch days, that’s HIS day, are you find with him telling her to pound sand? Since Sunday is his 5 hours, she should never be allowed to ask to do anything that day no matter what it is and complain that he tells her no. But I can see it now, she’ll come back and say what an ass her ex is because he will not allow her to have her daughter for a bit on his day because it’s her mother’s birthday and she wants to see her granddaughter. Everyone will pile on him for not being nice and letting her have her time.
You’re a proud Christian aren’t you?
Do you think a pharmacist should be able to refuse to supply plan B?
Simply because you were serious doesn’t mean it’s not blather, either. You don’t need my participation in you delusions, it appears you do just fine on your own. If you were relating a “whole story” of your own, I missed it amidst all the shit you were slinging. Perhaps you and I have different concepts of irony.
:rolleyes: Sigh, another one that thinks that their opinions and beliefs are the One Right Way and everything else is “blather” and “delusional”. Even better, we have one here that isn’t even brave enough to state what their belief is!
Must be an interesting, if rather narrow and one-sided, world you live in.
I feel that somewhere deep inside, you believe that if you just make a convincing enough argument on here, your ex-wife will realize what a stone-cold bitch she’s being and will change her ways.
I do not think this is likely to happen.
Sorry. Forgot I was talking to the epitome of openmindedness that is you.
I don’ t believe at all that there is only one right way–I just object to your insistence that this woman forced an unwanted child on this dad when you have absolutely no evidence of that beyond this one current instance of his behavior. People do change, make bad decisions for dumb reasons, etc…none of which means that your take (or mine, for that matter) is the…oh, yeah, the One Right Way.
I never called your opinion blather, either. That was yet another projection on your part. I’m just pointing out that your devotion to your viewpoint is meaningless in regards to how legitimate that viewpoint may be.
I’m not at all afraid to state my beliefs. If you have a question, ask it.
And I think it’s kind of cute that you feel you can score points with smilies, dramatic sighs, superior airs, and what the hell, poor grammar. All you needed was a flounce, seriously.
So if I said, “If you get a dog, it’s your responsibility to feed it and walk it, even on your birthday.” that would be some sort of “trump card,” and cause for you to proclaim that the dog is spoiled and too precious? You really do have a jaundiced view of the world.
[QUOTE=Edward The Head]
So what happens when she asks to switch days, that’s HIS day, are you find with him telling her to pound sand? Since Sunday is his 5 hours, she should never be allowed to ask to do anything that day no matter what it is and complain that he tells her no.
[/quote]
Ideally, both parents would be reasonable and flexible. However, if they cannot be, then each party should be expected to live up to the terms of the custody agreement. If the father has custody on Sunday from noon to 8pm, then he should be prepared to take care of his child from noon to 8pm each and every Sunday. If, as sometimes happens, he has an unavoidable conflict, he is free to do what every other parent in the world does, and hire a babysitter.
[QUOTE=Edward The Head]
But I can see it now, she’ll come back and say what an ass her ex is because he will not allow her to have her daughter for a bit on his day because it’s her mother’s birthday and she wants to see her granddaughter. Everyone will pile on him for not being nice and letting her have her time.
[/quote]
There is absolutely no evidence to support this scenario. And if there were, then I’d be the first person to condemn the mother for being petty and ridiculous. As Judy says, “Love your child more than you hate your ex.”
OP and Edward, you may eventually realize what I did in dealing with my ex. Life will be easier for your children and you if one of the parents is very flexible and can roll with the changes no matter what happens visit-wise. That person may have to be you. My ex did, and still does, last-minute changes and switches All. The. Time. Like, at least once a week, I get a text: Tired will get kids tmrw instead. Or: Sorry. Overslept. Be there two hrs late.
Well, one of us has to be flexible and it is not going to be him. So almost every time I let it go, the kids carry on with their lives here, and there’s no big drama. Occasionally I’ll say no to last-minute request, and he just goes off the rails furious about it. I din’t engage that, either…not worth it.
I know that won’t work for everyone, especially if you are the non-custodial parent as Edward appears to be. But if you can achieve it at some point, life becomes much more peaceful. I would wish peaceful times ahead for all involved.