Well answered, phouka.
But is she sure there will be no Male strippers at her party? And male strippers do a lot more than the female versions, in general.
Here is what we did; we found a rather classy “bikini bar” where there were classy lovely girls who wore teeny tiny bikinis (and high heels, of course!). The dancers did have “special guys” come up and sit in a chair on stage and the girls would embarrass them a bit, but not even a lap dance. And, we invited the Brides party to come too. Thus they got to see what was going on - and they had more fun egging the dancers on than the guys did!
Then we men-folks adjorned to a hotel where we drank too much and many smoked smelly cigars and we all ate hwaaay too much greasy artery clogging food, and played poker. We arranged for a ex-dancer I knew to come in a maids outfit and pour drinks, lite cigars and the like, but no clothes came off and nothing sexual happened. It was just being catered to.
The OP has said that they discussed the issue, amicably.
The Bride to be stated her feelings and the reasons she felt that way, asked for consideration.
The OP assessed his own feelings, decided his Bride’s were more important *in this instance.
*
He then asked for consideration in her party plans (no male strippers or dolls, I believe)
She assessed her own feelings and decided the OP’s were more important in this intsance.
The talked about what they both felt comfortable with and respected each other’s wishes.
I don’t see any control / trust / testicular possession issues.
They both seem mature, sensible and well matched.
I wish them both very well in their future together.
She sets hers and he sets his. She feels it would be disrespectful to their relationship if he were to be in an intimate situation with naked women right before their wedding. She tells him that’s HER boundary. Now he has the opportunity to decide if her request transgresses HIS boundaries. If she’s not generally a ball buster who makes lots of demands, or unreasonable ones, and/or if he feels that she’s truly disturbed by this, and it’s not excruciatingly important to him, why not make her happy? Is this a stand that’s really worth making? The OP doesn’t think so, and that’s his call to make. I respect that he has decided to do what she asks, if he doesn’t really dig on strippers and it was really his friend’s big thing, not his.
I don’t think it’s fair to say, “because the OP’s fiancee strongly requested that he not have strippers at his bachelor party, ipso facto, she is a ball buster who wants to fit him for a collar and this marriage is going to be bad.” That’s a tad excessive a judgment to make. She might be a controlling PITA, or she might just have a problem with this particular issue. The OP would know better than we would.
DrDeth, where did you get the idea that male strippers “do a lot more” than the female ones? I was at a private party once, years ago, with a male stripper. He didn’t even get naked, just went down to the banana hammock. Yes, there was touching and humping, but definitely not any more contact than you’d get from a female stripper with a lap dance. Less, in fact, since we didn’t get to see his package at ALL.
Just to add a little - I don’t think she was out of line, specifically because both people discussed it and decided that the situation was okay. That is a pretty good way to solve problems. The OP did state that he wasn’t dead set on strippers anyways.
Of course, the closest thing to a bachelor party was me, my groomsman (minus one cause he was working), my father, and 2-3 friends drinking beer on the back porch of the house. My wife was still not too happy (I drank a bit and she worried I would get drunk and then have black bags under my eyes the next day - it happens when I drink a lot) but never mentioned it to me until day 3 of the honeymoon. She said she wasn’t that worried about it.
FTR - I’ve been in a strip club once. I was 15. My dad took me in to get some lunch. There were no strippers there yet, but they had good food at the restaurant. Strippers are not my thing.
Brendon Small
Bad news buddy. Having or not having strippers at your bachelor party doesn’t affect her except what shes constructed in her mind. Who knows what she’s going to come up with next?
Well, three things. Reports from my female friends at the things that happened at Bachelorette parties, such as the bride-to-be giving oral sex to the stripper. Similar things *not *happening at the bachelor parties I have been to, and nothing but touching me in strip clubs.
And once my lady and I went to a two tiered niteclub where the male stippers were on one floor and the female strippers on another, but the second floor was a balcony, so one could see back and forth. The male strippers were kissing, fondling and allowing their buns and “banana hammocks” to be fondled. The female strippers (same company) were not allowing any touching at all, nor were they doing any touching outside shoulders and other non-erogenous zones.
True the men did not do “the full Monty” but neither did the girls.
Maybe the fiance’s request was a bit unreasonable. But evidently it was something she felt very strongly about. In that case, it was gentlemanly of Snenc to listen to her feelings and accede to them - not because she was “right” about strippers, but because this particular issue was very important to her. In a good marriage, sometimes we must humor our mates.
I won’t hijack the thread by providing irrelevant details, but once I asked my husband to do things my way in a situation where my request was probably quite unreasonable. I told him that I knew it wasn’t fair of me to ask, and he might regard it as a significant sacrifice to do things my way, but it was really really really important to me and please, could he indulge me because it would mean so much to me?
He did indulge me. And I have never forgotten what a sweetheart he was. May your wife-to-be appreciate you as much, Snenc, and may she do as much for you when the situation calls for it.
Then what’s to discuss? I thought a question was asked in the OP because there was an unresolved issue. If the issues are all resolved, nobody else’s opinion, humble or otherwise, is needed.
Dr. Deth, you’ve been misled. I’ve never, ever heard of a bride-to-be giving oral sex to a stripper. I personally don’t know ONE woman who would suck on a strange man’s penis, especially in front of people, and most especially if they had to pay HIM for the pleasure.
Besides, if that was really the case, we’d have a huge glut of male strippers, wouldn’t we?
No offense to you or your husband, FH, but talking shop with a stripper indicates that infidelity is probably not going to be an issue in your marriage. Nerdhood, more like.
Regards,
Shodan
Are you insinuating that brides-to-be don’t give male strippers oral sex?
Because you don’t personally know anyone who would do such a thing certainly doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Go to a male strip club some weekend night and you’ll see some shit that will make you puke. Women can be pigs.
It’s funny to read this thread and see different people’s takes on what marriage means. I’m squarely in Diogenes’ camp: marriage means there’s no longer a distinction between “my business” and “her business.” Doesn’t mean you automatically roll over at every disagreement, but you never say “It’s my life; it doesn’t matter what you think.” Personally, what I find depressing is the assumption that if your wife doesn’t keep quiet and let you do whatever the hell you want, it means she doesn’t trust you and is trying to control you.
There appears to be a perception among some on this board that my bride-to-be is a controlling bitch.
Nothing could be further from the truth. She doesn’t object to the fact that I’m still friends with one of my ex-girlfriends. Even if it’s not on my mind at all, she’ll often tell me that I need/deserve a night out with the guys (she’s usually right… she can tell when I’m getting cabin fever) and I don’t think I’ve ever asked her permission to go out with my friends - at the most, I check to see if we already had plans because I’m awful at keeping track of that stuff.
The last thing she wants is some pussy-whipped guy. She just finds the whole stripping business disgusting and would rather I not partake in it. Not because she thinks I’ll hook up with one of the strippers. It would be the same if I were talking about going to a dogfight for my bachelor party: to her, it’s a disgusting business and she doesn’t want me near it (of course, I would absolutely agree with her in this case).
I don’t think stripping is particularly disgusting, unless you’re one of those guys who goes to the titty bar every night after work. But since I’m entirely capable of having fun without strippers, this is a request I don’t mind complying with. It’s just not worth the fight, and my convictions on this issue aren’t strong enough to justify a fight anyway. She’s not even opposed to me attending bachelor parties with strippers in the future. She just doesn’t want it at all associated with our wedding. So I’m pretty sure my balls are still firmly intact.
And to those who think I’m “protesting too much”: You’re dissing my fiancée. If I didn’t defend her, that wouldn’t bode well for our marriage.
Slightly off-topic, but a friend’s ex used to work at a photo development place. He regularly showed us rolls that started with Thai hookers and strippertutes and ended with wedding pics. I’m not against guys, single or married, going to strip clubs or even getting lapdances. But getting in ‘one last fling’ or whatever the week or even the night before just smacks of desperation.
On the other hand, there are plenty of these parties that are more for the best man and friends than the groom (assuming they don’t pressure him into anything.)
Can you elaborate?
I think our African friends, CairoCarol and burundi have it. It’s not about the nature of the request. It sounds to me like this is a “gut check” where the bride is just asking for this regardless of whether it’s justifiable or reasonable, based on her own issues. If she does this on any disagreement, of course, it’s unreasonable, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt at this point, dno’t you?
[From this thread I’m getting the impression that pre-nuptial celebrations are trending: women engage in bacchanalian debauchery, no strippers at men’s parties. If these trends continue, how long can it be before bachelor parties involve all-night man-on-man action?]
I think you’ve resolved the situation in a very reasonable fashion.
Years ago, a friend’s stag party involved a trip to a Houston strip club–a really high-class, “look don’t touch” place. Where the ladies probably were working their way through grad school. (I’ve known guys who DJ’d in titty bars–as we call them in Houston–and have heard tales of the real dives.)
The group also went to a couple of the hot clubs of the day & had more drinks. (Yes, there was a designated driver.) Afterwards, they met up with the hen party at the neighborhood bar. The bride was dressed up as a hausfrau & they’d been touring the drag clubs. (Not a dildo in sight.)
But hiring strippers for a private party is just asking for trouble. Even if the guy hosting the party is the one who gets the action. Or hopes to get the action.
How many nights have you spent in male strip clubs? The male strip clubs that cater to a female clientele, that is. Some gay bars have dancers.
My ex-wife belonged to a sorority and she attended every wedding (something like 15 weddings in 2 years), and she was almost always in the wedding party and was certainly invited to her fair share of bachelorette parties. Some were low-key, cabin-in-the-woods parties while others were stretch limo to the male strip clubs with nights of heavy drinking. Every single time she went to a male strip club (I didn’t care, I trusted HER), she came back with stories of repugnant behavior by other women (and yes, sometimes brides-to-be of other bachelorette parties) gaining carnal knowledge of one of the performers. Hell, she’s even witnessed married women in parties she’s been with getting laid in the hotel bathroom.
So to answer your rather dumb question, none.
Thanks Professor, but believe it or not, there are some people who can witness situations and tell others about them. Sometimes, the people telling the stories are actually telling the truth!