Steven Segal.
One morning I opened my door and Steven Segal…
asked me if I had six large pepperoni-and-anchovy pizzas I could immediately feed him.
So of course I said, “Steven, I’d love to, but ____________________.”
…you’re a washed-up pot bellied wanker and no longer relevant."
He then attacked me with …
…a neatly folded newspaper, causing me near-lethal paper cuts!
Fortunately, the milk…
. . . acted like a salve to the paper cuts.
Then in walks Katey Sagal (no relation), who starts screaming ____________
“Leave him alone, Steven, or so help me, I will personally see to it that you never eat pizza for the rest of your worthless, bloated, no-tal, D-list life!”
I must say, Steven seemed to take affront to that, and _____________________
Stomped a kitten. So mean.
I never saw any of his movies, I would rather______.
eat roadkill.
This is my letter. . .
…to my congresscritter.
Dear Representative Doucherocket…
…please eat a sprocket and a locket, then socket - - - to me.
I then further maligned him by writing______
… “Representative Doucherocket Sucks” on the wall opposite his local office, so that every time he looks out the window, he will know that he sucks.
While watching the All-Star baseball game …
I dreamed of my own baseball career. Such as it was.
I like to joke Spoons and his athletic skills because they are_______.
So laughable.
As long as i was attracted, I’d definitely date a_____.
lemur, capybara or marmoset, but only if Mom said it was OK.
Mom is usually pretty easy-going about interspecies dating, but I have to admit, _______
… she had a point when she said, “Mammals only.”
After all, the problem with dating a turtle is …
…they are usually racist shitbag Tae Kwon Do instructors.
Flipping through the channels…
Nothing bad. They are snappy dressers, after all.
My pet box turtle used to say_____.
Ninja’d…sorry.
I’ll go with this one.
I found “Racist Shitbag Tae Kwon Do Turtles,” on channel 306; but I opted instead to watch …
Pet Box Turtles Say the Darnedest Things.
I was a little surprised to learn it’s won a Peabody Award and six Emmys; after all, ________
… the turtles, being unable to speak English, say nothing we can understand.
Still, the show is enjoyable, because …