puts a song in my heart.
I plan to write a musical featuring…
… the Geico gecko, Mr. Clean, and Ronald McDonald.
I think I’ll call it …
How to Save $15 or More on Bath Salts.
When I show my scripts to other people, they…
… express interest, but I get the feeling that the scripts are round-filed as soon as I leave.
But I keep trying, because I know that someday …
My ship will come in.
I hope I’m not at the____.
…bar all passed out when it does.
My secret hangover cure is…
… two dashes of Angostura Bitters, an ounce of vodka, apintofOldHarper, some beef jerky, and a Three Musketeers.
It leaves me feeling …
…like I’m in a dream…and like I have eaten dirty socks.
And for the rest of the day, rest assured, I can…
… taste dirty socks.
The only thing that makes that go away is …
…gargling with raw eggs and hot sauce.
Sometimes I pretend I’m a former astronaut in order to…
… pick up women.
Though they see right through the ploy when …
They notice my astronaut boots are really Uggs.
I wear my Uggs to_____.
… the mall, the supermarket, when visiting friends, and so on.
The only place I don’t wear them is …
in the swimming pool because I’m usually skinny dipping.
Once when I was sitting poolside, umbrella drink in hand,
It started to rain. My drink stayed dry.
I went inside and…
had another.
I was pretty blitzed by the time…
…the alien landed.
He cocked his head at me and said…
… “Hey, can you recommend a good restaurant nearby?”
Not quite what I expected, but …
I told him where the nearest Chili’s was.
He asked if they served…
chili.
I told him if he wanted some darn good chili, he’d make out better…