…I think to myself that one of these days I’ll have to read something in it other than the comics and crossword puzzle.
The movie Uncle Drew is to motion picture history as…
retrophrenology is to medicine.
I’m told that all the spicy food I’ve been eating has caused my…
. . . nose to become runny.
Tonight, I’m looking forward to my favorite dinner of __________.
plomeek soup, grilled Lombardy Pudding Elk cutlets and mashed smackles.
If you recognize all three of those references, __________________________
…then your name is probably Orson Bean.
There once was a man from Nantucket…
He kept his golf balls in a bucket.
Meanwhile, back at the golf course ________.
the caddy told the ball washer to suck it.
The ball washer replied …
“Three for a dollar. Same price as downtown.”
An no point do I want to…
Go downtown.
All the way uptown there are__________.
Crocodile infested pools with vines to swing over them.
The treasure you seek…
… is not something I can help you with.
I can, however, help you with …
… that embarrassing itch you are reluctant to talk about.
As for me, the last time an itch embarrassed me I solved the problem by …
Rolling in sand.
The Doctor told me________.
…from within a biohazard suit "you’ll be just fine. Wait here for just a moment " and then nervously left.
Five minutes later…
… I left too, and went to the hospital cafeteria for coffee and a sandwich.
Nobody dropped dead, but a few people …
…'s faces rotted off as they fled in panic.
The cafeteria potato salad…
made even the inexorably deadly pandemic all around me worthwhile. It must be the paprika.
My mom’s potato salad, on the other hand, ____________________
must be what evil tastes like.
The only acceptable way to cook potatoes is…
. . . baking them.
The best book I’ve ever read was __________________
‘The Joy of cooking.’
My favorite chapter is ‘Pies’, in it I found_______.