Friend A asks you to persuadeFriend B not to break their engagement. Do you try?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Let’s say you have a pair of friends, Lindsay and Josh, ages 30 & 40, respectively. They are engaged to be married; while you are buddies with both, you became so with each independently of the other.

You have known Josh for twice as long as you have known Lindsay. You are probably his best friend; please note that I did not say he was YOUR best friend. Josh is sometimes hard to get along with, you see. Oh, he is always there when a friend needs a favor, either practical or emotional; nonetheless, he is somewhat emotionally rigid, which can make him insufferable. You generally like him, but staying around him can be a trial.

As for Lindsay, you out right love her, and I do not mean in a sexual sense. She is simply a joy: smart, funny, reliable, easy-going, and for the most part sensible. (We will come to a way she was NOT sensible in just a moment.) remaining HER friend has never been a trial at all. You count yourself extremely lucky that she wants to be yours.

About a month before the wedding, Lindsay comes to you in tears. Josh is extremely upset with her and is considering calling the marriage off. Why? It is that issue she was less than sensible about. You see, when Lindsay was about 18, she had a brief career in pornography. She never told Josh about it; the closest she came to admitting the truth of the matter was to say she had done some nude modeling between high school and college. But in fact, what she did was a great deal rougher. In particular, she shot a gonzo scene in which she not only was verbally and physically abused by the director and male models on camera, but also confessed to having been molested by a funny uncle when she was much younger. Eliciting this confession from her — and making her call her mail co-stars "Uncle " while she cried— was the highlight of the scene.

Lindsey had hoped Josh would not find out about this, but an ex-boyfriend of hers, angry at being rebuffed, sent him a link to the video online, in which Lindsay’s face, along with a very distinctive tech to, was clearly visible. There was no denying that she was the girl in the video, so she told Josh everything, including that she participated of her own free will. (It was her last seen in porn, by the way; soon afterward she went into therapy and became the frankly extraordinary woman she is today.)

Josh is very angry. He felt that Lindsay had lied to him by describing her work between high school & college merely as modeling, for one thing; for another, he thinks he should have been told about the molestation. He has declared that he no longer trust her and that he doesn’t know whether he can go through with the wedding.

Now while she is generally quite self-reliant and sensible, Lindsay is crazy in love with Josh. The thought of losing him has her frantic. In the past, you have been able to act as a moderating influence When Josh was being rigid in other ways, so Lindsay hopes you might be able to persuade him not to break things off with her. She requests that you try.

Are you willing to do what Lindsay ask? If not, why not? If so, what would you say to Josh? When Josh was being rigid in other ways, so Lindsay hopes you might be able to persuade him not to break things off with her. She requests that you try.

Are you willing to do what Lindsay ask? If not, why not? If so, what would you say to Josh?

2

I’d tell Lindsay she’s better off without Josh. Wouldn’t intervene to stop the breakup.

3

Objectively, she may well be better off without him, but knowing how much she loves him, I’d be willing to try.

I’d point out to Josh that she was young, and while she was a consenting adult, she also wound up being emotionally injured by her choices (i.e., being taunted about her uncle by the cast and crew), and that she hadn’t been forthcoming about it because she was so embarrassed about it. I’d suggest to Josh that he, too, likely made some decisions when he was a young adult that he wishes he had back, and wouldn’t feel great about having to talk about now.

4

I have always felt a 3rd party getting in a love affair will only end up the bad guy. I wouldn’t do more than a cursory mention to my sisters intended. I certainly wouldn’t speak to a stubborn friend like you describe Josh. No, I say steer clear.

5

"I love you. You know that right? You’re like a sister to me! And I want nothing more in this world than for you to be happy. But you guys are getting married. I’m not always going to be there to smooth things over. Josh needs to be able to handle this himself. You guys need to talk it out.

“If he brings it up, then I’ll casually mention that he needs to talk about with you. But that’s all I think I can do. I love you so, so much, and I hope everything goes okay.”

6

I would encourage her to wait and marry a man with whom she feels perfectly comfortable sharing her past and any other vulnerabilities. This kind of rejection and implied shaming is the last thing she needs.

Objectively, Josh has the right to be upset, but not for the reason given. He shouldn’t be upset about his “right to know” but about his failure to make her feel comfortable sharing with him. Or perhaps about her inability to trust him if he’s truly done everything imaginable. But his reaction to the revelation suggests she was right to hide things from him.

She deserves better.

7

This is excellent advice.

As is this.

And with Josh being 40 he should have a better perspective on the mistakes young people make.

8

At 30 and 40, respectively they should both be capable of managing the relationship themselves. To seek the intervention of an outsider seems ill advised to me. These are not teenagers. Either they are mature enough to navigate the deep water they find themselves in, or, they’re not. I truly don’t think your intervention can change that. And if they can’t handle/manage this part, they won’t likely be able to manage their future together, as other issues can easily stem from this one, I believe.

Stay out of it, recommend a professional therapist if pressured.

9

This isn’t a problem you can fix. Suggest they talk to a couples counselor and see if they can figure out a way to make it work. If I were you I would I stay clear until the dust settles.

10

Well, I don’t think I’d try and talk Josh into doing anything; he’s got to make his own choice about something like this. But I might try and get him to talk it over with me, since that can often help someone get past the initial emotion and realize what their right choice for themselves is.

11

If Josh broaches the subject, I’ll be happy to give him my thoughts on the matter, including how an abrasive, emotionally rigid person like him sure as hell ain’t gonna do any better than Lindsay. Preferably, this talk would happen over a couple of beers.

But I wouldn’t actively seek out Josh to talk to him about it. Sorry Lindsay.

12

This was one of the plot threads in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

13

Absolutely not. I would begin to distance myself from Lindsay. I believe she is of questionable character if she was willing to marry without revealing a very important part of her life: the pornography.

Josh should not trust her; I no longer trust her.

I do not like people who pretend to be someone other than who they are or lie about themselves to the person they want to marry.

When was she going to tell him? 16 years later when their son found the video online or in a porn store?

I realize I will lose Lindsay as a friend; but I do not think it is much of a loss.

Hopefully Josh remains strong and completely ends it with Lindsay. He deserves better.

In my opinion, being emotion ridge is a personality trait, not a character flaw, like lying.

A lifetime partnership demands complete honesty.

14

HELL NO!!

Warning, warning, danger Will Robinson! You’re a cruisin’ for a bruisin’ if you meddle in other people’s relationships. It’s THEIR relationship. THEY have to work it out.

15

I’m voting to not try to dissuade Josh. I feel that Sveltington’s comments, while being overly harsh, cannot be dismissed out of hand.*

Lindsay probably needs to go back for more therapy. Perhaps some unexplored part of her psyche needs to be examined to determine why she chose a man whose emotional rigidity would make him unable to accept her after learning that her past includes events, however grotesque, in which she allowed herself to be hurt.

Of course Lindsay has a past; and of course her past includes events which she has not shared with Josh (and which she has not shared with me). The questions are: do I have a line beyond which I cannot accept that Lindsay is a treasure of a friend; and if so, where is that line (these questions also apply to Josh, of course)?** Is there any literature that guides therapists in advising their patients/clients in when and how to reveal details of their pasts to their SOs? ISTM that if there isn’t, there should be (of course, if there is, I haven’t read it. Which isn’t surprising, as I’m not a therapist).

Anyway, I’m sorry, Lindsay. I like to think that my affection for you is so deep that I would never refuse you anything, and it hurts my heart that I can’t comply with this request. I just feel I wouldn’t be doing you any favors if I succeeded in doing this for you. Because from what I know of Josh, even if he did change his mind, he would feel entitled to win every future disagreement with you for the rest of your lives, and would probably bring this up as a weapon each time.

*For that matter, it occurs to me that Sveltington would not feel that comfortable accepting the personality trait the OP has assigned us, which calls for us to find that we “generally like [Josh], but staying around him can be a trial.”

**Both the position and the brightness of that line are probably going to vary based on other factors, including: how long ago was the event before she met me; and, how long did it take for her to acquaint me with the facts about the event?

16

I’m staying out of it. I’m willing to offer her or Josh my opinion if they ask for it, but I’m absolutely not going to seek out Josh and try to change his mind. Lindsey screwed up by spending some length of time deceiving Josh, and it’s really up to Josh to decide how badly that deception has damaged his trust in her. My advice to Josh if he asks is going to be to look at the issue of trust (not whether the stuff she did seems weird) and whether he can trust her, it’s not going to be ‘oh, you have to get back with her’.

Also, I think TruCelt’s comment is straight up victim blaming. Lindsey chose to lie to Josh in order to get close to him, he didn’t put a gun to her head and force her to lie. Trying to paint her choice to deceive him as his fault for not making her feel comfortable enough is just an attempt to shift the blame. “I had to lie to you because you’re a meany-pants sometimes” just doesn’t fly, and if Lindsey was engaging in that kind of behavior I would question my friendship with her.

17

This is my view on it as well. I’m not necessarily going to talk Josh into anything, but I probably would discuss it with him to find out if it is something that’s a complete deal breaker or something they can work out. If it’s the later, I’d implore him to discuss it through with Lindsay and see where that leads.

18

I’d only help her if she called me “Uncle”.

Seriously, man. How do you come up with this shit? :confused:

19

No kidding. Was that graphic & detailed description of the scene really necessary for the hypothetical?

Anyway, the most I’d do is tell Josh that Lindsay told me what happened, and ask if he wanted to talk about it. Certainly I’m not arrogant enough to immediately decide that either of them is clearly in the wrong, as many in this thread are doing.

20

Why is Lindsay’s sexual history any of Josh’s business? :dubious: