Fuck TV and movies and cheap dimestore novels

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m spending a nice pleasant evening at home alone tonight, in sheer mortal terror. And it’s all because of a stupid, fictional cliche, a literary convenience, a moronic plot element that nobody in their right mind would include in a script for any but the most crappiest direct-to-video release. And I’m scared out of my mind.

I fell in love almost a year ago. Decades of loneliness dissolved away when I met him; he was the man I always dreamed of, and he loves me the way I always wanted to be loved. He’s brilliant, and funny, and odd, and handsome, and way too many superlatives to fit into any one language. We’re talking about a commitment ceremony; we talked about what rings we’d like this afternoon, over lunch. It’s a dream, literally, come true.

Last week, he finally decided to take some important steps towards moving his life in a better direction; with my support, he’s finding himself able to look more towards his future, towards going back to school, and the first step is a new job in a different field. So, a couple of days ago, he put in his two weeks’ notice. He’s an armed security guard.

Yeah, that’s right. An armed security guard, in love, engaged, with only a few days to go until he quits.

Every single horror movie, slasher film and cop buddy flick that I’ve ever seen is screaming at me from my subconscious. The security guard always gets killed. The guy who has just a short time left always gets killed. Security guards about to quit may as well, in the pulp-fiction world, paint targets on themselves and hang out in the wrong end of firing ranges. At least he doesn’t carry a picture of me with him. That’d be certain doom.

Three security guards have been killed in the last six months in Tucson. There are editorials on the local news about how dangerous a job it is. I haven’t had a problem with it until he gave his notice; it was a part of him, his job, and he did it well. And now, with only a short time to go, I send him off every night with a growing sense of panic.

I know I’m being silly, I know that the cliche is pure movie drivel, I know he’s careful and methodical and smart about how he handles himself out there. But every morning, before dawn, when he comes in in one piece, I breathe a sigh of relief. And every night, now, that sigh is getting louder. I think the night he comes home for good, I’m gonna cry.

Meanwhile, I’m going to sit at home, and stay away from bad fiction, and worry myself sick.

One week to go.

2

The good news is, he’s not going to die during his last week of work.

The bad news is, he’s going to meet the “real” love of his life the day before the ceremony, and after a whirlwind romance and a series of wacky, embarassing, but learning experiences, he decide he has to go with his heart, and leaves you at the non-denominational altar.

If it’s not one cliche, it’s another.

(Seriously, congrats and good luck. Stop watching Joel Silver movies and everything’s going to be okay.)

3

No, no, no, it’s the RETIRING ones who have to worry. The fact that he is apparently childless also decreases the risk.

4

Hang in there, kiddo - this too shall pass and you’ll sigh that final sigh of relief, have a good cry, and move on to the next, wonderful step.

Sending happy thoughts your way!

5

On the other hand, the fact that he’s gay increases it several million, especially the fact that being a security guard he gets to die heroically.

AKA: damn, that sucks, MrVisible. Try getting yourself some nice, fluffy (fluffy is key, no angst) shounen-ai. Everything comes out nice for the cute bishie-boys in the end.

6

For the love of God, just don’t start discussing your plans to buy a boat and sail around the world.

7

You know, if I were a security guard, I wouldn’t bother with two weeks’ notice. I’d just quit unexpectedly and thus avoid the cliche.

This may be why I’m not a security guard.

8

If it makes you feel any better, just think of the epic adventure you’ll have tracking down his killers and inflicting brutal vengeance upon them. It ought to be interesting, at least, and you might get Guy Pearce for a co-star.

9

There’s only one thing you really need to worry about here, following ironic pulp-fiction type logic, and all:

Nation-wide acceptance/legalization of same sex marriages. Unless this somehow comes about overnight, you’re cool.

10

He should be fine if he remembers a few key tips:

1: Zombies are generally slow-moving and easily confused (Unless they’re *Return of the Living Dead * zombies in which case you have my sincerest condolences.)

2: Never back down a hallway or through a door.

3: That weird, ethereal voice whispering your name is not your friend. Don’t go over there.

4: Large wooden crates and boxes are nailed shut for a reason. Don’t pry them open … Dracula’s in there. Or a Mummy.

5: Avoid being included in a 1/3 shot with a large window to the outside.

6: Avoid doing anything in slow motion.

7: Listen to the music! It contains vital clues regarding your safety.

8: Years of tradition also suggest that, if at all possible, you should avoid being black.
MrVisible, you should also be prepared for the possibility of a werewolf bite. In this case, I’m afraid the responsibility becomes yours. I wish you both the best of luck.

11

And they have to have a hot-shot partner who plays by his own rules.

[McBaine]
MENDOZA!!!
[/McBaine]
:smiley:

12

Half past twelve. No sign of sleep yet.

I really am driving myself bonkers with this; it’s going to be a hellish week. I hadn’t realized how worried I was every night when he put on his badge and gun and went out there; now it seems like all next year’s worry has decided to compress itself into this week.

Miller, one of the advantages to being gay in the Runaway Bride scenario is that you get to use a tactic not available to the heterosexual couple-to-be. The shoestring tackle. But I’ll worry about that cliche when we get to it.

Which reminds me… the conversation at lunch revolved, for a while, about picking a nice place for the commitment ceremony. A trip around the world wasn’t discussed, but we did talk about renting a cabin in the woods someplace. Does that count?

Matt, not only is he gay, but he’s the token Native American in his company. I’m guessing, if this were a movie, that’d count against him pretty heavily too.

He would have just quit instead of giving notice, but he’s a very responsible person, and takes his duties very seriously. So, in short, he’s doomed; it’s always the devil-may-care ones who make it through the film.

Thanks for all your support, folks. It helps. And, if he survives the night, I’ll give neofishboy’s list to him to memorize. But that does bring up a question that I’ve always wondered about…

Is lycanthropy sexually transmissible?

13

According to The Howling and Ginger Snaps, yes.

Congrats, MrVisible, and stop watching those movies. You want life to resemble Porn, not horror movies. So go out right now and get several CDs of “Boom-Chicka-Wow-Wow” music.

14

Don’t you get it from being bitten?
So, it would depend on the sexual activities of the werewolf and his partner.

15

You do realize that by stating your worries about him, you are increasing the potential irony?

For God’s sake, tell me you didn’t say “Be careful, Honey!” while he was on his way out the door.

16

Native American? No worries then! His Ancient Wisdom will get him through anything.

17

Wouldn’t it be more likely that he would call upon a spirit to help save the life of his buddy in a time of crisis, and then die in the process?

His last words would have to be something from the ancient wisdom.

18

After finally getting to sleep at around 2am, I woke up to find myself alone in bed. Sudden momentary terror, and then boyfriend walks in; he’d stayed up checking the want ads.

So, after a lovely night of imagining all sorts of horrific scenarios, everything was all right.

That is, until tonight…

And as to the Native American Ancient Wisdom[sup]tm[/sup], according to WindTalkers, his tribe has the ability to walk through land mines unscathed, but I’m not sure whether that carries over to anything else.

19

Have faith, MrV. Everything will be fine. Watch and read things which support a more positive outlook. And maybe take a Xanax to get through the really tense times when you feel such great anxiety.

If Xanax isn’t available, try some valerian root. All natural, and very calming. Take it with some chamommile tea.

20

My friend, your partner is going to be fine, and somebody will give him a ceremonial pocket knife. Your commitment ceremony will go just fine, the only shadow on the day being an evil premonition on the part of a small child.

Unfortunately, you will then rent a cabin in the woods. Are you nuts? You’ll be lucky if you only get killed and don’t become some kind of undead, demonic creature – in which case, your partner will have to dispatch you himself. He will, however, also avenge you using that ceremonial knife in some way.

Still… Best Wishes!