Best friend lost his son and his son’s girlfriend, plus a very close friend of the family who was a mentor for the son (but not a biological family member).
I have nothing to offer but (((((hugs))))).
I’m so worry for your loss and for the whole family’s loss. I remember feeling like you did on the days around my dad’s death- the world went on while I was so sad and utterly absorbed by this sad event. Didn’t seem right or fair.
I’m so sorry.
I found surviving the suicide of my brother like a tsunami. It was like being washed away. An overwhelming awareness of not being up to the maelstrom of pain and suffering that seems to envelope completely. You have my very deepest sympathies, all of you!
Being together is the very best thing for all of you. Sometimes you can help others, as they struggle to find words to say, by justing holding a hand, a hug, standing close beside, and acknowledging, ‘There are no words!’
(These are the times that try men’s souls, to be sure. Tragedy upon tragedy, makes for our very darkest hours, I believe. In the days ahead, we’re right here if you need to talk, never forget!)
You will the all be in my prayers. And, again, deepest sympathies.
The universe is amazingly cruel and the anguish it has inflicted upon you and your friend’s family is truly heartbreaking. I have heard that sharing multiplies happiness and divides grief; hopefully your sharing with us has provided some small lessening of the heaviness your heart must feel.
Very sorry for you loss, Yancey. One thing I’ve read is that anything you can do to help your friend would probably be greatly appreciated, but you have to be specific about what help you are offering. Don’t say “Is there anything I can do to help?” as it’s too open ended and they are probably overwhelmed by things at this point. Instead ask: “Would you like me to go with you to speak to the funeral director?”, “'Would you like me to talk to the florist for you?”, “Could I cook a meal for you and your family?”. Things like that.
Also, again from reading, don’t abandon them after the funeral. Stay in touch a little more than usual. Even though the funeral is over, they are still grieving.
Again, my sympathies for your and their loss.
FU Universe indeed. Tragedies in bunches are that much harder to bear. My thoughts are with you and your friend and his family, Yancey.
I’m very sorry as well, yancey. I wish there was something we could do. 
I’m so sorry yancey. I was just thinking yesterday that it’s a wonder that any of us have the courage to care for one another when the universe doesn’t care one iota.
What a terrible time for you and yours. My thoughts are with you.
Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words. I’m continually amazed at how a few pixels on a computer monitor can make me laugh, cry, and think about the larger things in life. Hell, even AU sent me a PM to apologize.
The family has started the processes needed,memorial, medical examiner, school, police reports etc. They seem to be doing well so far. The house is full of people and food. That and the planning and organization of things has given them a focus, which I guess is a bit of a respite from the agonizing quiet moments.
What I’m worried about is what will happen when the service is over, and everyone has gone home. Any thoughts on what we can do? Those of us that live close. I will want to check on them, but also give them the privacy that they need. How do you walk that line?
Sometimes being a grownup sucks.
Those are very lonely times, and knowing that someone is still thinking about you helps. The idea of offering them specific help - rather than saying “what can I do to help” and making them think of something - is a good one.
I’m so sorry, yancy. In my extremely limited experience, the time after the funeral is the hardest time because no one wants to talk about the deceased for fear of stirring up emotions. But when I was grieving my mother and uncle (deaths not related), I felt so much better knowing that other people remembered them fondly and missed them too. I cried yes, but the memories that were shared of things I’d never known about were healing in the long run.
At the son’s funeral, it might be nice for you to set up a little bowl/basket with pens and notecards, next to the visitors registry, for people to share their memories of the young man. That was done at my mother’s funeral and it was a way to “talk” about her with people when there was no one around to talk to.
Also, as other’s have said, just being there is a useful and kind thing for your friend. Don’t worry too much about doing the right thing - if you feel moved to call your friend or to stop by, just do it.
That’s why we have to.
“Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” - Khalil Gibran
Yancey, there’s nothing I or anyone can say to make it better. I imagine this may be a void in your life that will be impossible to fill. Just remember that there are people who care and still need you. You will come out the other end a stronger and wiser person for it. Keep your head up.
It does. It really does. I’m sorry for your loss, yancey.
yancey, I’m so, so sorry - I don’t know what to say. You’re in my thoughts and in my heart.
I’m so sorry.
My friends would phone me and inquire if I was okay, and I was saying, “I’m okay.”, even when sometimes, really I was not okay. But you so don’t want, so need, to not give in and admit to being overwhelmed. Especially since you have no actual idea, of what you want or need - the very first thing everyone insistently wishes to know! Truth is both sides of the horror, are challenging to navigate. I think the thing to remember is these are your friends, who know you act from love, and will react accordingly. Nothing seems ham handed when it comes from a place of loving kindness, I truly believe.
One of my friends just showed up at my house and when I gave an ‘okay’, got back, “Really? you sure?'cause I’m not! I’m stinking mad, woke today felling stabby with the whole damn universe! I intend to storm out into the world and let some of this shit out some how! You coming?” And I stood there with tears streaming down my face, unable to speak, nodding yes, yes, yes! We walked in the woods, my friend vented and seemed to give voice to all the demons I was swimming in.
We ate, we laughed, we got home very late, we wept to part! There is no better tonic than the love of a friend, I swear! That day did me more good than weeks of therapy, I suspect. There were still hard days ahead, of course, but this encounter changed the course of my recovery, in some very positive way. So I thought I’d share it with you.
There aren’t proper words here. The loving supportive things that have been said are intensely touching, and good, and healing. But when you close your eyes and it washes over you, there aren’t any words are there?
Take in all of the caring and good energy being shared when many people are in the house. It IS important for you and yours to accept all of that.
What to do when the dust has settled and the initial intense focus of condolence has faded? Work with those closest to have a schedule of check-ins. Make yourself reach out. Don’t cloister. Make the effort to return to life’s routine. Not by way of short-cutting the yawing chasm of pain or by denying what has happened. But because we heal partially through the rituals of our lives. Just as the grief and mourning is most intense- and shared as a community when most intense- right after the loss, the return to normal life rituals will help you through this.
It will linger forever, this kind of shock. People who tell you to give it six months or a year are either unable to imagine something they’ve not lived through or deeply in denial about their own losses. Don’t wallow forever or become trapped in a bad cycle. But allow yourself those dark days, those horrible mornings and numb moments as they arrive. They are a part of healing.
To me death and loss has always been like the open-ended Richter Scale. Something happens and it’s terrible- and then the fucking universe lets something else come in that is factors worse and more terrible. And yet again something else.
I feel for you and those most deeply struck by these losses. If you’re religious, contact a minister. Not for those pat phrases, but to gain access to tools that will allow you to mourn in a healthy manner. If you’re not keen on religious skew, then simply call a local Hospice and tell them you need to talk to a professional Grief Counselor. They exist and are superb as a resource.
In Peace,
Cartooniverse
I’m not convinced the Universe is harsher one way or another but we surely notice more when the good ones are taken and we feel the worse for it still when they are young.
It’s sad that a 19 year old has to feel the psychological weight of it all at once.
Keeping tabs on everybody you’re worried about is about the best you can do. Try to keep people from being alone too long with their thoughts.
Sorry for your losses.
I’m sorry Yancey. I’m new here but I registered to respond to this specifically. I’ve said F you to the Universe more times than I care to count in the last years.
Myself, husband and remaining son /grandson have lost so many in our immediate family and faced so many damn super serious health issues but losing our oldest son, the father of my grandchild was by far the hardest to endure this past April.
And I write this post to answer that question of what to do. There really isn’t anything anyone can do to fix it, but people tend to be really supportive and helpful the first week, then it gets down to those few friends who hang in there another week or two, then bam, you are on your own between 2nd and third week like clockwork. By the time a month’s past, it’s something you should be over.
And another thing… save the personal rants about how you are going to have to cancel your vacation if your dog continues to skin issues, or how your life sucks because your daughter couldn’t find the right prom dress. Really? That sucks? All the while acting like our loved one never walked the face of the earth.
I don’t expect people to stay in that place of intense sadness with me… I know for myself I’m not a crier, or whiner, nor is my husband or other son, but hell, let us grieve. Don’t expect us to wipe someone from our memories in a couple weeks.
And if you want to help, just call us up and ask how we are, let us know it’s okay to talk about that person, remember the good things. Ask us if we’d like to go to lunch and get out of the house and just listen. You don’t even have to know what to say , as long as you don’t say something totally ignorant like “oh, time heals all wounds, you’ll get over this in time”… Uh, no I won’t EVER get over losing my son.
Time did heal losing our Dads, my brother , and even his sister and nephews to a freaking tornado of all things, but losing I’ve seen what it did to his sisters spouse, and I’m seeing what it’s doing to us to lose a child.
I’ve seen what having kidney disease does to me, and heart disease and diabetes to husband and my son having hips replaced and more to come. Life aint pretty. So I say Fuck you Universe quite a bit and it makes me feel better.
In fact, it’s helped better than most humans have. And that’s sad.
So if anyone learns anything from Yancey’s post, let it be that all you have to do is just offer to listen, just be present now and again. If you live long enough you will lose someone you love and need support too. It’s a give and take process. No one expects you to stop your life over someone else’s loss, just stop being insensitive.