Clothes don’t bother me. Hell, my father was buried in jeans, a polo shirt, sneakers and a feed cap. If we’d tried to stuff him into a suit for all eternity he’d have sat up and haunted us to the end of our days.
My mother, as some Dopers know, died in August. Most of the mourners who came to the viewing were dressed “appropriately”, but I didn’t really care even about the ones who came in jeans. My mom wouldn’t have cared, why should I? I wish I could have gotten away with wearing something more comfortable (and cooler) than a suit in a Pennsylvania August…
I think clothes matter. You’re paying your last respects, why can’t you present yourself appropriately? That said, I’m not gonna get worked up about someone wearing nice jeans. A t-shirt would be pushing it, though.
Wearing a ball cap is, without question, poor etiquette. I might have even made a request to the person to please remove it.
The cell phones and Nintendo are also inappropriate.
Upon reflection, I might want to lay down some ground rules for my funeral.
Really? That boggles my mind. What if you were to remarry and your groom showed up in dirty, smelly old clothes? You put some emphasis on your outer appearance when you go to work or out with friends, no?
I think that one can rely too much on clothes and their appropriateness, but clean, neat, tucked in etc-these things matter, as does personal grooming. It is a sign of respect and of not only valuing the person who is now dead, but also yourself and the community that person was in. Removing a hat is also a sign of respect that goes back centuries. I have no quick solid fact for doing it (in church it is to show your humility in God’s house), but nevertheless, it remains a sign of respect.
I’ve been to nurse’s funerals where their coworkers showed up in dress whites or immaculate uniforms. It packs a powerful statement that says “we held our colleague in high esteem. Pay attention, witness this passing.”
The DS is wrong, the clothes are wrong and the texting is wrong, IF it was a twitter type thing. If it’s directions to the place, then no. But really, all the electronic playtoys should be off and put away.
I think they should be clean and neat, without gaping holes, and they should fit. That is, no pants down to the legs or anything like that. No t-shirts with slogans or logos, but a plain clean one would be acceptable. Beyond that, I am not really sure why I should care exactly WHAT they are wearing.
Or a funeral for a police officer or military person - people aren’t likely to show up at those funerals in dirty, ripped casual clothing. Why should your loved one’s funeral be different in that aspect than a police or military funeral? Why do these people at these funerals make such an effort with their appearances? Because it matters.
Or the opposite. Especially for the young (I’ve had more experience in this than I’d like), spouses and such get dragged along. Hell, I was pissed when my ex decided she didn’t want to go to a family funeral with me (even though she’d never met the deceased). Funerals are kind of boring unless you’re emotionally involved with the decedent.
ETA: I’ve gone to a friend’s funeral (similar, if not same, age as mentioned in the OP) in tattered clothing. But it was because I felt that that was how my friend knew me. For a kid, it’s fine. For a grown-up, show some fucking respect.
I think we’re unanimous on the phones and games. My dad’s funeral was last week, and there were several people at both the visitation and service in jeans. A couple had hats on as they entered but took them off. These were all old guys in their 70’s and 80’s.
I worked at a funeral home for a number of years. People behave badly at funerals just as they do at weddings, at work, on vacation, and in all other aspects of daily life. I’ve seen people get in screaming arguments standing right in front of the casket. I’ve seen couples grope each other when they thought nobody was looking. People came in dressed sloppily. People smoked in the viewing area. People came in drunk. People came in high. People got drunk or high while they were there. Only one thing was dependable: the person in the box didn’t give a shit about any of it.
Did you go there to grieve or did you go there to critique the other mourners?
As someone said earlier, showing the proper respect is for the deceased and for the mourning family. The last thing I want to do as a guest at a funeral is somehow, in a thoughtless way, make it even harder for a grieving family.
Ok, then how would you react to a person wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a hat whom you were interviewing for a job? No concern? Because to me, personal appearance is a presentation of yourself. At certain occasions, one should present himself with class and respect. Is there any occasion, if not a funeral, that you think appearance is a sign of respect and/or class?
You cannot show me respect with how you dress. You can show me respect by accepting that I have a different opinion than you do, but you can’t show me respect by how you dress.
I’m not sure I agree with that. If I’m going to a place or event that’s unusual for me I put some thought into what I’ll wear. I think the underlying reason for any adjustments I make to my usual black pants, washable shirt and Herman Munster shoes is out of respect for the occasion or event, and the people at it.
If someone showed up at a funeral in a t-shirt that said “My other shirt is at your mom’s house”*, or any t-shirt that says something, I’d likely think it was disrespectful.
I don’t live where I grew up so I’m not sure if the difference regional or due to the passage of time. Men whose jobs don’t call for it don’t have suits. I used to try and make sure my son had a suit, but it stopped being economically feasible, and doesn’t really make sense because historically he’s only gone anywhere a suit would be appropriate once every 18 months or so.
I don’t understand hat rules at all.
*actual t-shirt seen on a guy at the gas station earlier this week.
I just…Ok. I, personally, think it’s weird that others sit at funerals and critique what people wear! I did not get along with my mother but it hurt an incredible amount when she died, so much that I didn’t talk to anyone about it for months, and I hardly noticed what other people wore. My brother was part of the ceremony, so we all noticed what he wore…but you know what else we noticed? That the pundit (priest) couldn’t remember Mom’s name and had to keep asking for it. That is disrespect. You can’t remember one Indian name for two hours? Not coming in jeans.
But we’re not all that far apart! I agree on the no slogans on t-shirts, but the t-shirt itself doesn’t bother me.
When my cousin’s son (age 19) committed suicide earlier this year, some of his friends showed up in jeans. I didn’t really care. I was honestly touched that they showed up. I know it moved his family to hear them speak of what a great guy he could be.
I’ve had to learn many lessons the hard way. Having one of my friends off himself because he was going through a rough patch wasn’t one I’d wish on anyone.
I think we’re losing a battle with cell phones. I’ve had to threaten one of my friends, and my husband, that I’d throw their cell phones out the window if they didn’t put them away because they were being incredibly rude. If I have to tell grown adults to put them away, how can we expect our kids to do it? I’m becoming more and more resolved that this is the way that the next generation of kids communicate, and I’ll have to either embrace it or remain disillusioned and angry.
Oh, and to the OPer, I’m sorry for your loss. That really stinks.
Exactly. Kids of the same age, I get. It was adults wearing scruffy looking clothes and hats and so forth. The kids were dressed quite nicely, actually.
You put some emphasis on your outer appearance when you go to work or out with friends, no?