That’s odd… I don’t even have my preferences set to display threads with a last post that’s more than two days old.
Zombie thread!
Runs and hides
I believe the post that (accidentally, I presume) resurrected this thread was deleted by a moderator.
Years ago, before we got married, my GF lived together in an apartment we shared with 2 other girls. One hot summer’s night, we decided to take a bath together, so we gather up our towels, and off we went. Well, some horrible accident must have occured which ended up with my GF falling down on the floor, on her back, and me falling on top of her, 'coz we hadn’t even got the tub filled and we’re going like bunnies…
Suddenly the door opens, and I look over my shoulder to see the shocked and horrified face of Susan, one of the roomies, staring down at my two-seconds-before-thrusting-but-now-frozen-with-fear naked white keister. Needless to say, she quickly closed the door, and we heard footsteps literally running away. GF and myself look at each other and say at the same time, “I thought YOU locked the door!”
So we circumspectly finished up, got clean, and hightailed it back to our bedroom. A while later, I went to the kitchen to get a beer, and glanced in the living room. Susan is on the sofa, holding a newspaper straight up in front of her face to block out the sight of me. I keep looking at her, and I see her hands begin to shake. Slowly she lowered the paper, and she was beet-red from trying not to laugh. Apologies all 'round, happy ending…
And we made damn sure the bathroom was locked the rest of the time!
While this doesn’t fall in to the “things said” category, it’s close enough to warrant retelling.
As told by a high school buddy:
"I had been dating two girls at the time, Becky and Rose, and neither of them knew the other one. The problem was, they both knew that prom was coming up at my school and wanted to take that leap in to becoming a woman afterwards. I wasn’t brave enough to bring up the threesome idea, so I decided to break it off with Rose the night before the prom and take Becky. I know, I know, but I was dumb back then. In order to make things more special for Becky, I actually had condoms made a week before with her name on it - sort of like a wrapped gift. I had the hotel room all ready and paid for when, just as I was about to dial Rose’s number, Becky calls telling me she’s met another guy. Poetic justice, indeed.
“So I call up Rose who’s all excited to come to the prom the next night and we have a fun time. When we go to the hotel room, she’s just come out of the bath and I’m putting the condom on. Stupidly enough, I brought the ‘custom-made’ pack with me and I didn’t realize it until after it was on. Just as I was about to turn it around or something, Rose walks in and quickly ahem reads the message. She asks quite innocently at first what it means and the best I could end up coming up with was ‘That’s it’s name. I named it.’ Surprisingly, she bought it, and we ended up getting engaged after graduation. To this day, she still doesn’t know the story.”
And yes, I had that on copy-paste because I recently used it in a paper.
So she still thinks your penis’s name is Becky???
:eek:
Again, it was my friend from high school, but yes. I don’t know if she calls it that, Lord knows their relationship is anything but normal, but I’m relatively sure she doesn’t know the real story.
It makes me feel dirty to post to a zombie thread, but I always talk about weird incongruous things in intimate moments. The other day, it was about the giant space between us on the subatomic level, and the fact that everything is mostly space. It was quite profound. Hmmm, but I don’t know how funny it is. So maybe my discussions of bestiality and coat-hanger abortions during those moments is funnier? Or maybe that’s just horrible and nasty. But hey, the chicks seem to dig it, so I guess there’s no accounting for taste.
OK, next time I’m in the sack, we’ll have to talk about the importance of proper grammar in one’s quest to not look like a moron. Aaarrrgh, I just realized the last sentence has a split infinitive. But what the hell, I think that’s a stupid rule anyway.
You know you are a Doper when…
*The moment after something very humorous in connubial bliss occurs that you cannot wait to share it with the Teeming Millions. *
Without further adieu:
After enjoying marital festivities today, still in an active position, Mr. Ujest says, and this is so funny on so many different levels " It is better to give than to receive."
Heh.
Had to revivie this thread when I found it during a search. Amazing.
Anyway, this girl and I were pretty drunk the first week of school (I’d known her from the semester before and this wasn’t thefirst time) and she suggested wo do our thing outside on the college campus…on the newly finished engineering quad.
We start going at it in the shadows of a building but still visible to anyone who walked by. As we begin to sober up a little, we realize that people are walking by. Mind you, she is very loud. Anyway, she sobers up enough to jump up and stop every 2 minutes when someone walks by, covering herself with a shirt that was on the grass at all other times.
This couple walks by. She is being very loud, and when we finally hear them and see their shadows, she bolts up. She turns to me and says extremely loudly (basiaclly yelling): “We’re DEFINITELY not having sex!”
I then reply, just as loudly: “I agree.”
We laughed about it afterwards, and I’m sure it was hilarious for the people who walked by.
I’ve got two.
-
A friend and I got drunk and went back to my place, figuring we were just going to pass out, and I’d take him to his car in the morning. Well, we get back and he decides he’s not tired. ‘Nuff said there. Anyhow, I’m on top and goin’ at it and he says (quietly, because my step-dad’s asleep two rooms away), “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to cum!” I, of course, reply with, “Isn’t that the whole point?”
-
My most recent ex and I were living together. I had just come home from closing up the bar (it’s nearly 5 a.m.), and we decided to have sex for only the second time in our short-lived relationship. He failed to mention that he had his 4 year old son over that night, and that he had gone to sleep around 8 p.m. Next thing I know, there’s a little hand smacking my leg, and a little voice to go along with it: “Hey! You guys should be sleeping! Stop that!” :eek: Come to find out, he didn’t see anything, and was only upset because he hadn’t gotten a good night hug from me.
Oh, I lied, I have three!
- I’ve already mentioned in some other thread that I have a thing for older men. So I’m seeing this man who has kids older than me – we get a hotel room specifically for that. Let’s just say that Viagra may have been a good investment for him. I wake up the next morning to go to the restroom, and as I’m peeing, I hear a plop. It was the condom. :eek:
Cool, this thread is going to stay open! Hope I don’t get in trouble for this, but it’s too funny to pass up. Conversation between me and the boyfriend in bed:
Me: <something nonsensical that I’ve already forgotten>
Him: It’s good to laugh in bed.
Me: Laughing, yes. Pointing and laughing, not so much.
Him: Well, sorry, but I can’t stop pointing.
Possible TMI I guess, but…
There was this guy I dated for a long time and we were both kinda smart-asses. At some point we got on the subject of the LA boys and how they all think it’s cool to sound like porn stars when they have sex. The line we always laughed the most about was “ooh, yeah baby, fuck that tight virgin hole!”
So of course it wasn’t long before we’re getting all hot & heavy and right at that moment you really don’t want to interrupt the pace of things, one of us would invariably shout out, in our best fake porn voice, “oh, yeah baby, fuck that tight virgin hole!” At which point the moment was ruined and we both would collapse laughing & giggling.
Damn, but that pretty much ruined our sex for weeks, but we laughed our asses off.
It was like, Me: “ok, now promise you’re not going to do that this time.”
Him: “I promise.”
Me & him (getting into it): hmmm, oooh, ahhh…
Him: “Yeah baby, fuck that tight virgin hole!”
Both of us: Bwah, ha, ha, ha! (moment ruined again)
Oh, well. Hadda be there.
[Hijack] Who’s gay, HarimadSol or SolGrundy? Both have Sol in their usernames, so I always mix them up. One is a straight woman (insofar as I can tell), so both talk about men. [/Hijack]
I have nothing to provide. Other than stating that I enraged my ex-wife (who was my wife back then) by saying, “Eating and reading are so much more fun than sex.”
WRS/Thû - back to your regularly scheduled program.
SolGrundy is teh gheyxx0rz.
W00t! I suxx0rz teh d00dz.
Peripherally related to the thread:
I was working in Berkeley. One of my co-workers was a woman from Jamaica who had married a San Francisco police officer. She was talking one day about her step-daughter, who was 16, and the girl’s boyfriend. “He’s very nice, very quiet boy. I think they’re having sex in the house when we’re not there.”
I looked at her and said, “I realize times have changed, but in the days of my misspent youth, if I had had the occasion to have sex with a cop’s underage daughter in his house, I’d have been pretty damn quiet, too!”
How about this:
After sex, discovering you can’t find the condom? Do you ask or presume your partner got rid of it?(who, incidentally, has never done that before?)